The Boys - E Lockhart

He shook his head. "You want me to be nice to Ariel?"

I couldn't tell him how I actually felt, because how I actually felt was a ginormous mess.

1. I was mad at Noel for kissing Ariel.

2. I was mad at myself for being mad. Because I had no right to be mad.

3. I was mad he'd even told me about kissing Ariel, like I was a girl he had never been romantically interested in. Like I was only a friend and wouldn't care in the slightest.

4. If he did have to tell me about kissing Ariel, I was mad he didn't tell me what exactly happened. "Physical contact" is vague. No girl would ever just say "physical contact."

5. He probably did do more than kiss Ariel. Because if it was just a kiss, he would have said just a kiss. And more than a kiss on a first encounter? That meant he must have been really into it-even if now he's saying he wasn't.

6. I was mad that Noel asked me to bodyguard him from Ariel, because I didn't like her and she didn't like me and I had to talk to her all through Chem.

7. I was mad he asked me because he shouldn't have put me in the middle when I had nothing to do with his scamming adventures.

8. I was mad because he was being a jerk to her and now I was a part of it.

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9. I was mad at myself that I didn't say no when he asked me to be a bodyguard.

10. I was mad at Ariel for moving in on Noel.

11. I was mad at myself for being mad at Ariel, who had a perfect right to express interest in a single guy who after all had been making out with her only a few days ago.

All this was going on in my head as we walked toward the refectory, and I was trying to figure out what to say, because of course I actually wanted Noel to have nothing to do with Ariel ever again-but that would have been a ridiculous thing to say because that was what he was proposing to do in the first place-and so if I said that, it would make no sense whatsoever that I was mad.

Then Jackson Clarke walked by, jeans low on his hips, ratty red sweater with the holes in the elbows, hair scrunched down by a knit cap-he walked by and hip-checked me. "Hey there, Ruby, nice anchor coat."

And I couldn't answer Jackson, and I couldn't answer Noel, and I started to feel that panicky feeling, the feeling like I couldn't breathe and was going to die and my heart was ratcheting around in my chest like it wanted to burst out of my puny rib cage and maybe I would just keel over right now and die in the middle of the path, and then Noel and /or Jackson and preferably both of them would realize my tragic beauty and complete excellence and go on to be better men because inspired by my memory.5

***

5 Movies in which the woman dies and thereby helps the hero to realize his full manly potential in the world, only, of course, bad luck for her because she's

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Ag. No air. Pain.

Beating chest.

This awful panic feeling was the whole reason I had to start going to the shrink in the first place, but I'd thought that now these attack things were over and I'd never have to feel this way again--but this was my stupid life, so apparently not.

"I gotta sit down," I said to Noel.

There was nowhere to sit.

I plonked down in the middle of the path.

The muddy path, in my white coat with brown anchors.

There was no air anywhere. My chest hurt.

I tried to remember what Doctor Z said. Picture a meadow full of flowers. Breathe slowly. In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

In through the nose. Out through the mouth.

You are outdoors, Ruby, I told myself. There is enough air here for you to breathe.

You are young and healthy. You are not having a heart attack.

***

dead: Moulin Rouge; Braveheart; City of Angels/Wings of Desire (same plot, different films); Dangerous Liaisons; Sweeney Todd (well, he only thinks she's dead and he becomes a total psycho, but still); A Walk to Remember; The Prestige; Casino Royale (the Daniel Craig one, not the Woody Allen one); Harold and Maude; Love Story; and Finding Neverland. So you see where I got this idea. It's everywhere! Despite being kinda sick.

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"Roo, what are you doing?" Noel asked. He knew I had the panic things. He'd just never seen me have one.

"I'm sitting down," I said. The brick pathway was cold.

"Because you want me to be nice to Ariel?" Noel asked.

I shook my head.

"Are you sick?"

I shook my head again.

Jackson had stopped on his way to class. Now he bent over me. "You don't look good," he told me. Thanks a lot.

"She's all gray and clammy," Jackson said to Noel. "She looks awful, don't you think?"

If I had to be neurotic, couldn't I turn glamorously pale and faint into someone's arms and make him want to rescue me? Did I have to hyperventilate in an ugly coat and sit in the mud?

In through the nose. Out though the mouth.

There is enough air here for you to breathe.

You are not having a heart attack.

"What's happening?" It was Nora's voice. I saw her tartan sneakers in front of me.

"Roo looks really bad," Jackson repeated.

"She sat down on the path," said Noel.

"Leave her with me, you guys," Nora said, ever practical.

They didn't go.

"I'm serious. She'll be okay. The two of you go on to class. Nothing to see here," Nora told them.

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"All right, if you're sure," said Jackson. "I should get to English," said Noel. "Roo, are you gonna be okay?" I couldn't answer.

"She's going to be fine," said Nora. "Please, leave."

And so they did. Noel's steel-toed combat boots and Jackson's blue and orange Pumas walked off in the direction of the main building.

Nora, wonderful Nora, rummaged in her backpack and pulled out a Tate Prep hoodie. "Lift up your butt," she said.

I did, and she scooted the hoodie under me, then sat down next to me on the little that was left of it, patting my arm.

We just existed there for a minute or two, not saying anything. I started to feel like I had enough air. "Don't you have class?" I asked finally.

"I have fifth-period lunch with you, silly."

Oh, yeah.

I pulled a bit of soggy grass out from between the bricks. 'Jackson kept saying I looked awful."

"What do you care?"

"I don't. But I'd still rather I looked gorgeous."

"You are gorgeous," Nora said. "He's a poohead."

"I know."

"I know you know."

"What happened just now?" she asked me. "Oh, you know. Mental breakdown. Panic thing. My usual insanity," I told her.

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"I mean, what happened that made you panic?" she pushed.

I shook my head. She was a wonderful friend. She was sitting on the path with me. She liked Noel. I couldn't tell her.

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7.

I Receive a Frog Laden with Meaning

Hi, Roo,

You okay? I was concerned your anchor coat might be stained.

Here is a frog for ya, to cheer you up.

--Jackson

--on his signature pale green narrow-ruled paper, folded in quarters, with a funny drawing of a frog on the outside; found in my mail cubby, end of the day Wednesday.

back when we started going out, Jackson used to leave little ceramic frogs in my mail cubby each week. Long story.

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After those stopped, he still used to leave notes almost every day, funny things about nothing much-what he'd had for dinner, a stupid thing Dempsey had said, how he'd thought of me when something came on the television. But I used to wish for more frogs. They were a symbol of how happy we were together, and as things got complicated, as things got ugly, I hated all the frogless days and wished the frogs would return.

Now here was another frog, after all that time. Sitting in my mail cubby when I swung by after History of Europe.