Jill Mansell - Falling for you

But sometimes I just ... Oh God, I don’t know, most women would give their right arms to have my advantages ...’

‘But you’re not happy,’ Will said gently. ‘And you feel guilty because you think you should be.

Estelle, millions of people buy lottery tickets thinking that hitting the jackpot will solve all their problems, but only the ones who’ve actually done it discover the truth. If you aren’t happy in yourself, no amount of money will change that. It isn’t going to solve fundamental problems in, say, a marriage.’

Estelle swallowed hard. It was so obvious he already knew, what was the point of even trying to deny it?

‘Oliver’s not a bad man.’ Her voice was low. ‘He doesn’t drink, or beat me up, or flaunt mistresses under my nose. But sometimes he’s ... hard to handle. He has his career, he gets picky sometimes, and he can be a bit abrupt.’

‘Autocratic, even,’ Will suggested mildly.

‘OK, yes, autocratic. But we’ve been together for twenty-seven years. Since I was eighteen. For heaven’s sake, you’d think I’d be used to it by now.’

‘He’s always been the same?’

‘Well, no. I mean, Oliver was always the one in charge, but that was just his character. Over the last year or so, though, it’s got worse. I’ve started to feel completely unimportant, I don’t know why I’m here any more, I just feel ... pointless.’ Feeling her eyes fill with tears again, Estelle took a shuddery breath. ‘Fat and pointless, that’s me. And I’ve been trying so hard to pretend nothing’s wrong, but having Kate back here doesn’t help. I know she doesn’t mean to, but she’s treating me just like Oliver does. I feel like one of those plate-spinners, rushing from plate to plate desperately trying to keep everything up in the air . All I want is for us to be a normal happy family, but it’s just not w-working and I don’t know what else I can possibly d-do ...’ Her voice breaking, Estelle covered her face with her hands and wailed, ‘Because no matter how hard I try, nothing I do do ever seems to be good enough!’

‘Hey, hey, don’t blame yourself.’ Will’s voice was wonderfully soothing. Whereas Oliver, if he were here now, would have barked, ‘Oh for God’s sake, don’t cry,’ Will simply passed her a handful of kitchen roll and allowed her to get on with it. ‘You mustn’t blame yourself, you know. I’m sure Oliver doesn’t mean to upset you. And Kate’s ... well, she’s having a hard time adjusting, that’s all. She’s going through a prickly stage.’

Bloody prickly, thought Estelle. And in all honesty, when something had lasted for fifteen years, did it still count as a stage? She could barely remember a time when she hadn’t felt intimidated by her daughter.

‘But what am I supposed to do?’ Blowing her nose on the kitchen roll, she watched resignedly as Will refilled her glass.

‘Ah, well now, that is up to you. Do you want to stay with Oliver, or leave him?’

Estelle’s bottom lip trembled. ‘Stay, of course. I still love him, I want us to be happy again, I just don’t know how to make it happen. I’m not even sure there’s anything I can do. Sometimes, as far as Oliver’s concerned, I just feel invisible.’

‘I can’t advise you,’ said Will, which was a massive letdown; she’d secretly been hoping he might have the most brilliant plan. ‘But if it’s any consolation,’ he leaned back on his chair and fixed Estelle with a smile that told her he was on her side, ‘you don’t deserve to be treated like that. If I were lucky enough to be married to someone like you, I’d be over the moon. Then again,’ he looked almost comically disconsolate, ‘who’d ever want to be saddled with a case as hopeless as me? My last girlfriend was always complaining that I looked as if I’d got dressed in the dark. She once found a mouldy sausage roll in my bathroom cabinet. And when we went to her Uncle Bill’s wedding I called the bride Megan, which was the name of Uncle Bill’s first wife.’

Despite everything, Estelle found herself snorting with laughter.

‘That’s terrible. And Megan, the first wife, was ... ?’

‘Dead.’ Will heaved a sigh of resignation and nodded. ‘I’m just a walking disaster. No wonder my girlfriend dumped me.’

‘Just because of that?’ Estelle felt absurdly indignant on his behalf. ‘But anyone can make a mistake!’

‘You’re forgetting the sausage roll. Actually, she compiled this whole list of reasons why she deserved better than me. Read them out to me like a school register.’ Will pulled a face. ‘It took ages. So you see, it’s no wonder I’m still single. But that’s enough about me. Are you feeling any better yet?’

He’d made her laugh, with his self-deprecating humour and gentle encouragement. God knows, he was the polar opposite of Oliver, who was hardly what you’d call encouraging and who’d never been self-deprecating in his life. Smiling back at Will, Estelle nodded and discovered there was a lot to be said for getting things off your chest. She’d never confided her feelings of inadequacy before, not to a living soul. Pretending that everything was fine had always been her way of muddling through.

‘Much better. You won’t say anything about this to Oliver, will you?’

‘I told you, you can trust me. I won’t breathe a word,’ Will said comfortably. As he fiddled with the damp cuff of his shirt, the button pinged off and he watched it roll across the floor. When it disappeared under the freezer he shrugged, unconcerned. ‘You could always give it a go yourself, though.

Sit him down and tell him how you feel.’

This really did make Estelle smile. ‘We’ll see.’ There was more chance of her swimming the Channel with bricks strapped to her feet. ‘Thanks anyway. I can’t believe I’ve told you all this.’

‘Ah well, that’s me, I have a listening face.’ Will tilted his head at the sound of the front door being pushed open. ‘And here’s Kate back now. I suppose I should be making a move.’

Estelle wished he didn’t have to go. As Norris noisily emptied his water bowl, Will lugged his battered weekend bag out to the car and said his goodbyes. Feeling as if she’d lost her only ally, Estelle waved as the dusty Volkswagen bumped off down the drive. Back in the kitchen beadily eyeing first her mother then the almost empty bottle of wine, Kate said, ‘What’s been going on?’

‘Nothing. Will helped me with the washing-up. He’s a nice man, don’t you think?’ Quite daringly for her, Estelle said, ‘So thoughtful.’

Kate’s gaze narrowed as she surveyed her mother’s pink-rimmed eyes. ‘Have you been crying?’

For a moment Estelle hesitated, wondering how Kate would react if she blurted out the truth, just as she’d done with Will. But no, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

‘Of course not.’ She smiled brightly at her daughter. ‘I just rubbed my eyes earlier when there was washing-up liquid on my hands. Silly me.’

‘Then again, who could blame you?’ Picking up the fruit-scented soaps, sniffing them and pulling a face, Kate said, ‘If someone gave me this lot as a thank you present, I’d cry too.’

Chapter 19

In the Peach Tree, Juliet was writing out price labels and Maddy was on the floor unpacking a fresh consignment of plum chutney when the door clanged open and Jake erupted into the shop.

‘Sorry,’ said Maddy, ‘no winos, no undesirables, we’re a classy establishment, we are—’

‘Do me a favour, just go and sit in my workshop. When a blonde in a red MG asks where I am, tell her I’m out delivering a casket. Move,’ said Jake, grabbing hold of Maddy like a rag doll and hauling her to her feet.