Edeet Ravel: Look for Me

“Al the time.”

“Do you watch Torture TV?”

“Yes.”

“El a said you had cable.”

“El a said you had cable.”

“I did, but it doesn’t work now. Everything’s messed up here, as you know.”

“I brought you a present. Not that you deserve it.” I pul ed the dressing gown out of my bag. It was creased from being scrunched up al day.

He came over and took the bundle from my hand. “What is this?”

“A dressing gown. It’s silk. I bought it for you the day before I was supposed to see you at the hospital. Wel , I saved it for you, even though you don’t need it anymore. It only got creased today—it was in perfect condition until now. I kept it in plastic.”

He unraveled the bundle, held up the gown. “It’s beautiful, Dana. Thank you.” He slipped it on over his clothes.

“You have to steam it to get the creases out. Is it true that you saw me from your window when I came to photograph?”

“Yes, once. I can only see a tiny part of the beach from my upstairs window, but suddenly there you were. I was sure you were here because you’d found me. But you never came. Then I found out you’d come to take pictures. I have your book of photographs.”

“Good for you.”

“I saw the review in the paper and I ordered a copy.”

“Hard to believe that it was once easy to come down here, that things were peaceful for a while.”

“It was never real y peaceful. That was just an il usion everyone was happy to maintain for a short time.”

“Actual y … I do remember a Leopold. Daniel, think. You knew him too. Think for a minute.”

“I have thought. I’ve thought about it a mil ion times, of course.”

“Remember the Italian restaurant where we used to eat? Near the embassy? There was a waiter there, his name was Leopold. He had long dark hair, he wore it in a ponytail.”

“I think I vaguely remember that waiter. I’m sure I never knew his name.”

“You did. We joked about it. That’s where that part of your dream came from.”

“You did flirt with that waiter, as I recal .”

“I didn’t.”

“You flirted with everyone, Dana. Not deliberately, maybe not even consciously, but you were always flirting. And those sexy clothes …”

“Okay, that’s it. I’m going. This is obviously hopeless. I’m not going to sit here and be insulted in every possible way you can think of. Go ahead and reinvent the past. I’m leaving.”

“Don’t go. Please stay a lit le longer. We can’t leave things hanging like this.”

“Daniel, you wanted me to wear sexy clothes. I did it for you, for us. So you’d be proud of me, so you’d be turned on, and also so I’d be turned on. I haven’t worn anything except jeans since you left. Why didn’t you ever tel me al these things?”

“You never had anything with that waiter?”

“Of course not. I don’t know anything about him except his name and that he had crooked teeth, as I remember. And he was nice. He was probably gay.”

“How’s Alex?”

“What do you care? You left al of us. You hurt your family, Alex, me. Al the people you loved, supposedly, and who loved you.”

“I had nothing to of er anyone.”

“Why? You’re not even handicapped. So what’s the big deal?”

“You’re just pretending, Dana.”

“You know, I never realized what a super cial person you were. I used to say you had a narrow view of aesthetics and I was right. You don’t know anything about beauty and you obviously never wil . I don’t know what I ever saw in you. You’re vain, shal ow, suspicious, cruel.

I don’t know why I waited for you al these years.”

“When you walked in here, I could tel you had seen me before. Because everyone reacts. And you didn’t. You must have seen me in the hospital.”

“Al I see when I see you is Daniel. I’m sorry if that’s not enough for you. Leopold. I can’t believe it. Leopold, the phantom lover. At least you could have asked me.”

“How could I ask you when I heard you tel Alex you were going to lie to me, that you were going to stay with me out of pity? My mother was there too, and she was crying.”

“Wel , that proves it! Your mother was in Greece!”

“Didn’t she come back when she heard?”

“We couldn’t track your parents down. Didn’t you know that?”

“No.”

“Did you think I was just put ing on a big act when I put al those ads in the paper?”

“I thought you felt guilty.”

“Daniel, I want to touch you.”

“I’m out of practice.”

“Wel , it’s like riding a bike. You don’t real y forget.”

“I think we have to talk first about what you want and what I want and where we go from here.”

“No, I think we have to touch first, and then talk.”

“It’s too overwhelming for me.”

“Tough. You think you can control everything. Wel , for once I’m deciding.” I pul ed o my clothes and lay naked on the embroidered bedspread.

bedspread.

“Just like that first time,” he said.

“Has my body changed?”

“No. Incredibly, it’s exactly the same. Your arm is bruised, though.”

I looked at my arm. He was right, my upper arm had turned copper brown and blue. “It’s that schmuck who hit me. It looks worse than it is, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Everyone’s gone crazy. There’s no sanity left. Poor Dana.”

“He was angry about other things, and he was let ing it out on me … Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

“No, I can’t.”

“At least sit next to me.”

He walked over to the bed, sat down at the edge, and looked at me, but he didn’t touch me.

I took his hand and put it on my midrif . His eyes fil ed with tears.

“What have you got to cry about?” I said. “I’m the one who should be crying.”

“You had your turn, now it’s mine. I’m not ready for this,” Daniel said. “You’re going too fast.”

“Maybe because I’ve waited such a long time. Maybe it makes me impatient.”

“A few minutes ago you were ready to strangle me.”

“Remember our fights?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“I used to get so mad. What did we fight about, apart from the mess?”

“About nothing, real y. Once I laughed at something in a movie and you got mad. Sometimes you hated my jokes. Once I woke you in the middle of the night to ask you to remind me to pay some bil or other. It was just an excuse, I wanted to wake you because I missed you.

You were pret y mad. Another time we argued about that television interviewer, I didn’t like her, you did, or maybe it was the other way around. After your miscarriage we argued about whether I should have been so rude to the hospital sta . You felt it back red, I was convinced you would have died otherwise. We argued about cat food. That’s al I remember, though I’m sure there were a few more I’ve forgot en. We didn’t argue much, if you consider that we were together seven years and two months.”

“We always made up pret y fast.”

“Not this fast. And anyhow, have we made up?”

“No. I’m stil pissed of at you.”

“We should wait until you aren’t pissed of .”

“You’re just looking for an excuse.”

“You’re forcing yourself to overlook how you feel.”

“You don’t know anything about me or how I feel. You used to be so in tune with me. Why don’t you just touch me if you don’t believe me?”

I took his hand and placed it between my legs.

“Yes, you’re wet.”

“You sound surprised.”

“I am surprised.” He started moving his hand the way I liked, he remembered exactly what I liked. Then suddenly he stopped, got up, and moved away.