Elizabeth Scott - Between Here and Forever

I nod, acknowledging him but nothing else because if I say anything I am afraid I wil start to cry. I turn away, my eyes burning, and start to punch in the code so a nurse wil unlock the doors to Tess’s unit.

He touches my arm again. “You’re using your right hand,” he says. “You punched the code in with your left last time.”

“So?”

“So shouldn’t you—doesn’t it feel weird to do it with the wrong hand? Shouldn’t you start over?”

“No, it’s okay, see?” I say, and open the doors as the buzzer sounds, signaling that we can walk in.

I do, but he doesn’t. I glance back over my shoulder.

“Come on,” I say. “Tess’s waiting for you.”

He’s got his arms crossed over his chest al tight-like, and he actual y looks kind of sick, but he fol ows me through and heads straight for Tess’s room, practical y marching behind me.

I sit down, and hear him do the same, but when I glance at him, he’s tapping the fingers of one hand against his chair like he did yesterday, only harder and faster, and it’s almost as if he’s counting or something under his breath too.

“So, Eli,” I say, wondering if being around me is somehow real y pissing him off before I look back at Tess’s closed eyes. “Tel me about yourself.”

Nothing. Not from Tess. Or him.

I look at him, and he’s stil just sitting there tapping away.

“Seriously,” I say. “I want to know … um.” What do I want to know about Eli?

No, not going there. I don’t need to know anything about anyone. But what would Tess want to know? What col ege he wants to go to, what kind of car he drives, and what sports he plays. Easy. And I can always pinch myself to stay awake if he rambles on and on.

Okay, I’l start with sports.

I real y mean to do that, but end up saying, “What were you doing when I came into the hospital?” instead, and his fingers pause.

“What?”

“When I came in, I saw you with a notebook. What were you doing?” I say, mental y kicking myself for asking. And for noticing in the first place.

And admitting I noticed.

“Oh,” he says. “You—I didn’t see you.”

“Why would you? I wouldn’t notice me.”

He blinks at me, and his fingers stil for a moment. “You wouldn’t?”

“No,” I say, real y regretting my question—and honesty—now. “I mean, I know what there is to see, you know?” My voice cracks a little on the last few words—stupid, so stupid—and I clear my throat. “So, what were you doing?”

His fingers start tapping again but he looks at them like he’s seeing them for the first time and then presses his hands flat against the chair arms.

“Drawing,” he says quietly. “I was drawing.”

“Oh,” I say. I hadn’t expected that, but it figures. Gorgeous and an artist. “Do you—?” His fingers have started moving again. “What’s up with al the tapping?”

He stands up so fast it’s like someone’s kicked him out of the chair. “I—I just remembered I have to … I’ve got to do this thing for school,” he says.

“Oh,” I say again. “Okay. But Tess—”

“Tomorrow,” he says. “I’l meet you tomorrow.” And then he’s gone, practical y running out of the unit.

“I guess I shouldn’t have asked about his drawings,” I tel Tess. “Tomorrow I promise I’l ask what you would. I know you want to see him again.”

I do too.

Not … not that I like Eli or anything, but he’s—there’s something different about him. Something that seems almost … fragile. Like there’s a part of him that he wants to keep hidden. That he has to.

I can understand that. I don’t want to—not with him, not with anyone—but I do.

I don’t tel Tess this. She has to think Eli’s perfect. That’s what she wants.

But I want to know more about him.

I want something for myself and I lean over and rest my chin on my hands, looking at Tess. Reminding myself why I’m here. Reminding myself why want isn’t something I should feel.

Mom has gotten home from the hospital. I’m stil up, sitting in Tess’s room again, looking at al the things she brought home from col ege and was going to take back. Laundry, books, some pictures. Her laptop. Her nice, shiny laptop.

I have a computer, sort of. It’s the one Dad got back when Tess was sixteen. I got it when she went away to col ege, and by then it was stil sleek-looking but bordering on outdated. Now it’s basical y useless, and the hard drive that Tess careful y wiped clean, her “gift” to me (“It’s just like new, almost!”) churns whenever I turn it on, and if I open more than one program, it freezes.

Tess had a job at col ege, filing papers for some archive project the library was doing. The school gave al incoming freshmen laptops, but Tess saved her money and got a nicer one, and part of me wants it.

I could use it for just a little while, until she wakes up. I could experience being able to write papers without having to save them every ten seconds, look something up online without wondering if the browser wil be able to show the whole page.

I turn her computer on, and am met with a password screen. I didn’t expect that, but I guess it’s something you have to do in col ege.

I try Tess’s birthday: month-day-year.

Nothing.

I try it backward.

Nothing again.

I try her name, then Beth’s name and everyone else she’d ever talked about from col ege, al the guys smiling at her in the pictures she’d brought home.

Stil nothing.

“Abby?” Dad says, and I freeze, fingers hovering over the keyboard, but he doesn’t ask me anything else, just says, “I was out for a walk. I used to—I haven’t gone on a long walk in ages.”

He comes over and picks up the pictures lying next to the laptop. “She looks—doesn’t Tess look happy?”

I nod, a little frightened by the intense and yet somehow lost look on his face.

“I hope she was,” he says, looking down at the pictures.

“Is,” I say, and he blinks at me.

“She is happy,” I continue. “That’s who Tess is. She’s happy, she’s pretty, and everyone likes being around her. Just look at the photos. She’s happy. That’s Tess.”

“Her fingernails match her outfit,” he says, and I look closer, see that they are the same pinky-red as her shirt.

“Just like Mom.”

“Just like Mom,” he says. “When she was in high school, her best friend, Lauren, would talk about that sometimes, about how Katie always made sure her nails matched her outfits.”

“You used to talk about Mom’s nails with her best friend? The Lauren Mom talks to al the time?”

“I used to—I dated Lauren,” he says quietly. “Back before—wel , a long time ago. Before your mom and I real y knew each other.”

“Oh,” I say, because what else can I say? I don’t know what’s weirder, that Dad went out with Mom’s best friend before he dated Mom, or that I’m finding it out now, in the middle of the night.

The fact that Dad dated Mom’s best friend is definitely weirder. I mean, Lauren? She’s come to visit before, with her husband, Evan, and their kids and everything. And I never even guessed that … I mean, Dad? And Lauren? If Tess knew, she’d freak out.

Tess. She’d know what to do now, what to say. Shocked or not—and she would be—she’d appreciate this moment for something, while I—I don’t even know what to say.

I settle for “I’m going back to bed,” and start to head to my room.

“Did you real y see her move her eyes?” Dad asks.

I stop and look back at him.

“Yes.”

“So you think—you think she can wake up?”

I nod, surprised he’s even asking this. It’s not like you can fake a coma, and Tess has so much to live for. The pictures he holds are proof of that, of Tess leading the life she’s always had: easy, ful . Happy. “Don’t you?”