Julia Watts - Wedding Bell Blues

“Well, thanks for wearing her down. She went out as soon as her head hit the pillow.”

“I like kids. I reckon if I hadn’t been a vet, I woulda been a pediatrician. Of course, I wanted kids to like me, and no kid ever likes going to the doctor.”

Lily sipped her coffee. “Did you ever think about having kids of your own?”

Jack grinned. “I thought about it before. I could actually picture myself changing diapers and heating bottles, but there was no way in hell I could picture myself pregnant.”

Lily laughed. “A pregnant butch is a sight to behold. You should’ve seen Charlotte. Once she started to show, she went to Kmart and bought a bunch of oversized T-shirts and drawstring sweatpants.

She said there was no way in hell she was putting on a maternity dress.”

“I don’t blame her. So how come she was the one that ended up carrying the baby?”

“We determined it very scientifically. We drew names out of a hat. So I could just as easily have been Mimi’s biological mother instead of Charlotte, and Ben could have been Mimi’s biological dad instead of Dez.”

“Have you ever thought how much easier your life would be now if things had turned out that way?”

“Many times. Of course, if Ben and I had been the parents, we would’ve had a different little girl than the one we have. And I wouldn’t trade Mimi for anything.” Lily set down her coffee cup. “God, the closer the hearing gets, the more nervous I get. I’m afraid to say I’ll be glad when it’s over, though, because I’ll only be glad if everything turns out okay.”

“I know.” Jack took Lily’s hand in hers.

Lily’s first instinct was to pull away, but the strength in Jack’s big, gentle hand was comforting.

“I also feel bad about lying all the time,” Lily said. “I’ve never been so dishonest before. I spend so much of my time just hoping I’m doing the right thing.”

Jack looked down at Lily’s hand in hers. “I’ll tell you what, Lily. It’s wrong that anybody would try to take Mimi away from you. It’s so wrong, that anything you do to get to keep her is the right thing.”

“Thank you for saying that. I’ve wondered what you think of me for doing this. You’re a good friend, Jack. I’m glad I met you.”

“I’m glad I met you, too.” Jack was silent for a moment, looking down at Lily’s hand. “It’s been real lonely around the house with Daddy gone, and the past few years I’ve ended up being the bachelor friend to all my friends in couples, and then —” She cut herself off. “I’m sorry I’m doing a bad job of saying this.”

Lily pulled her hand away. “Of saying what?”

Jack half grinned. “See? I told you I was doing a bad job.” She looked down, and her voice became serious again. “I guess what I’m trying to say is...oh, hell.” Jack looked up at Lily and reached out to plush Lily’s hair out of her face. Lily watched passively as Jack leaned toward her and softly touched her lips to hers. Lily was paralyzed.

As soon as Jack pulled away, Lily scooted to the opposite end of the couch. She hadn’t felt another woman’s lips on hers since Charlotte’s, and the feel of Jack’s lips made her ache for Charlotte’s kisses.

But there was something else, too. “Jack, I’m not ready...”

“I know. I ought not to have done that. It was just that I couldn’t make the words come out right, and I’ve always been better at doing things than saying them. I know you’re not ready yet, Lily. You’re a widow in mourning — I understand that. I guess what I’m trying to say is...if you ever decide you’re ready, then I’m ready, too.”

Lily’s head felt as if it might explode from being so full of fear and sadness and confusion. She hadn’t even been allowed a decent period of mourning before she had to worry about losing her daughter.

Then there were the numerous pressures of maintaining a fake marriage, the hearing that was coming up sooner than she liked to think about, and now this. “Jack, I can’t even think about this right now. I still love Charlotte—”

“And you always will. I understand that. But I don’t think Charlotte would want you to spend the rest of your life alone ... to bury yourself right along with her. Once the hearing is over, Lily, you’re gonna have to take a little of the time you’ve been using to think about Mimi’s needs and think about your own.”

Lily choked back a sob. “Once the hearing is over, I might not have my daughter.”

“That’s true. But even if you don’t, you don’t have to be all alone.”

“Well, thank you for saying that. You’re—”

“A good friend? I know. And if that’s all I can be now, I accept that. I just had to let you know, Lily. I had to tell you because the other mornin’, when I woke up knowing you were in my house ... the house was a lot happier place because you were in it.”

Lily’s emotions were scattered all over the place. She felt simultaneously trapped, terrified, and touched.

Jack rose from the couch. “I know you’re not in a position to make any promises, Lily. I just wanted to say my piece, and I reckon I’ve said it.”

“Yeah, I guess you have.”

“There’s just one more thing, though. I wanna make sure this isn’t my imagination. When our eyes meet, when you look at me...there’s somethin’ there, isn’t there?”

Lily thought of the first time she saw Jack — the moment she realized Jack was a woman. She thought of Jack’s hands working to heal a wounded animal, of Jack rolling on the floor playing with Mimi. As much as she’d like to, there was no denying it. “Yeah,” she said, avoiding eye contact. “There’s something there.”

Jack flashed a wide grin. “I didn’t think it was my imagination. I guess that was all I really wanted to know.” She headed toward the door. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I’ll go now.”

Lily knew that Jack wanted her to tell her to stay. But Lily was ready for Jack to leave. She had reached emotional overload, and all she could think about was curling up in a fetal ball in the womb of her bed. “Good night, Jack.”

“Good night.”

In her bed, Lily cried because Charlotte had died before Lily had finished loving her. She cried because she knew that if Charlotte had died at the age of eighty, she still would have died before Lily had finished loving her. She cried because of the choice that lay before her: to stay married to a memory, or to move on.

Rationally, Lily knew that Jack had a point — that Charlotte would have wanted Lily’s life to go on. But the problem was that Lily wasn’t sure she wanted her life to go on. Life seemed like a dangerous contact sport, full of opportunities for loss and injury, with victory being only the dimmest of possibilities.

Right now, Lily wasn’t sure she even felt like being a spectator of such a sport, let alone a player.

CHAPTER 16

Lily rarely drank beer before noon. As a matter of fact, this was probably the first time she’d drunk a beer before two P.M. in her life. But today was a special occasion — in the same sense that the day you’re scheduled to get a much-dreaded pap smear is a special occasion.