Emma McLaughlin - The Nanny Diaries

H. H.'s sweaterawayfromthewet floor,andsqueezethespongeoutintohis plate.

By the time I've gotten everything into the dishwasher Grayer has tuckered himself out and is ready to forget about the whole incident. I place his tie over his shoulder and carry him back to his room, noting that I now have a leisurely twenty minutes to make it to Washington Square for Clarkson's lecture and have not received so much as a phone call from this child's mother. I keep hearing the whir of the elevatorandperkingup,readyforhertowalkinthedoorandtakeover soI cancabittoclass.

I peel Grayer down to his birthday suit. "Okay, go in the bathroom and pee, please, so we can put on your nighttime pull-ups." He runs into the bathroom and I pace; I only ask to leave before eight on Thursdaynights, forGod's sake.You'd thinkshecouldmanagejustonenightoutof five.

The bathroom door swings open and Grover stands in the door frame in a naked ta-da, arms over his head,tiehangingover his privates. Herunspastmetothebedandgrabs his pajamatop.

"If I put 'em on can we read a book?One book?" He struggles to pull the striped shirt over his head and myheartgoesouttohim.

I sit down on the comforter to help, turning him to face me between my knees. "Grayer, why did you pourthemilkonthefloor?" I ask softly.

"I feltlikeit,"hesays, restinghis handsonmyknees.

"Grove, it hurt my feelings because I had to clean it up. It's not okay to be mean to people and it is not okay to be mean to Maria. It makes me very sad when you call her 'stupidhead'because she's my friend andshe's goingtodonicethingsforyoueveryday."I leanforwardandcirclehiminmyarms asheputs his fingersupinmyhair.

"Nanny,sleepover onthefloor,okay?Justsleepover andthenwecanplaytrainsinthemorning."

"I can't, G. I haveto go home and feed George.You wouldn't wantGeorge not to have anydinner. Now go pick out one book and we'll read it. One." He heads over to the bookcase. The front door mercifully clicks openandGrover runsoutintothehall. Five minTHE NANNY DIARIES

utes! I havefive minutes toget toclass! 1 followright behindhim andwe bothcatch up toMrs. X,clad in a Burberry trench, about a foot from her office. It is clear from her hunchedshoulders and quick step thatshehadnointentionofcoming intoGrayer's room.

"Mommy!" Grayer wrapsaroundherfrom behind.

"I haveclass,"1 say, "I havetogo.Um, it's ateightonThursdays?

She turns to me as she attempts to spatula Grayer from her leg. "I'm sure you can still make it if you take a cab,"shesaysdistractedly.

"Right. Well, it's eight now, so ... I'll just get my shoes, then. Good night, Grayer." I scurry into the hall topullmystuffon,hopingtheelevator hasn't gonedownyet.

I hear her sigh. "Mommy's exhausted, Grayer. Go get into bed and I'll read you one verse from your Shakespearereaderandthen

it's lightsout."

Down on the street I run past the doorman to the corner and flail madly for a cab, hoping, at least, to make it downtown for the closing summary. I unroll the window completely, promising myself that I'll clarify myhoursbeforenextweek's class andknowingthatI probablywon't.

A few days later I pull out from my mailbox, in addition to the usual barrage of J. Crew and Victoria's Secret catalogs, two envelopes which give me pause. The first is on Mrs. X's creambusiness stationery, usuallyreserved forher committee work.

April 30DearNanny,

I would like to share with you a matter of concern to Grayer's father and myself. It has come to our attention that after you left in such a hurry last night there was a puddle of urine found beneath the small garbagecaninGrayer's bathroom.

I understand that you have your academic obligations, but I am, frankly, alarmed by your lack of awareness of such a situation.As per our agreement, inthehours during which you workhere we are to receive your utmost and constant attention. Such a glaring oversight gives me pause as to the consistencyofyourperformance.

Pleasereviewthefollowingrules:

1. Grayer istowearpull-ups whenhegetsintobed.

2. Grayer isnottodrinkjuiceafter five P.M.

3. You are tobesupervisinghimat all times.

4. You are tobefamiliarwiththecleaningsuppliesandusethemaccordingly.

I trust you will review the consistency of your care and note that if an incident of this nature repeats

itselfI shallnothavetopayyouforthathour. I donotexpectthatwewill havetodiscussthis again.

Hopeyou bothhave funonyour playdate withAlex! Pleasebe suretopick up mycoatat thetailors', it

shouldbereadyafter two.

Sincerely,

Mrs. X.

Right.

The second envelope is lined in Crane's tomato red. I pull out a wad of hundred-dollar-bills held

togetherby asterlingmoneyclipengravedwith anX.

DearNanny,

I will be returning from Chicago the third week of June. I. appreciate it if you could see that the

apartmentis stockedwith thefollowing:

Lillet = 6bottles

Foie gras?6

Teuscherchampagnetruffles?1box

Steaks?2

Godivachocolateicecream?2pints

Oysters ?4dozen

Lobsters?2

Lavenderlinenwater

Keepthechange,

Thanks,Ms. C

Whatisupwith thesewomen andlavenderwater?

Thequadroonnursewaslookeduponas ahugeencumbrance,onlygoodtobuttonupwaists andpanties andtobrushandparthair; sinceitseemedtobe alawofsocietythathair mustbepartedandbrushed.

. HEAWAKENING

CHAPTER NINE

Oh ...my ...God

Sarah cracks her front door open to the extentthe chain will allow, revealing flannel cloud pajamas and a pencil holding her blond bun in place. "Okay, half an hour. hat's it. I mean it, thirty minutes. I'm home tocramformyorgofinal,notsortthroughtheXes'dirty laundry."

"Why did you schlep yourself all the way back into the city to study?" Josh asks as Sarah unlocks the chainandlets usintotheEnglundfamily's fronthall.

"Haveyouever met,Jill,myroommate?"

"I don't thinkso,"Joshsays,takingoffhis jacket.

"Don't worry. ou're notmissing much. he's atheatermajorandher 'final'isperforming fiveminutes ofher lifefortheheadsofthedepartment. hrowyourstuffonthebench. oshe's constantlystanding up in our room, saying 'Dammit!', and sitting back down. I mean, how hard is it to sit and read a magazinefor five minutes?" She rolls her eyes. "Do youguys wantsomething to drink?" We followher

into the kitchen, which still has the same yellow daisy wallpaper that it did when we were in kindergarten.

"Sing Slings."I requestSarah's speciality.

THE NANNY DIARIES

"Coming right up," she says, stretching to pull a cocktail shaker and sour mix out of a high cabinet.

"Have aseat." Shegesturestothelonggreentablebythewindow.

"It would be much cooler if this were a round table, like we could be the Knights of the Panty

Roundtable,"Joshsays.

"Josh,"I say, "thepanties aren't thefocusrightnow. heletteris?

"We have aroundcoffeetableintheliving room,"Sarahoffers.

"We are totallydoingthis at aroundtable,"Joshdecides.

"Nan, you know the way," Sarah says, handing me a bag of Pirate's Booty. 1 lead Josh into the living

room and plop down on the Persian carpet around the coffee table. Sarah follows with a tray of

SingaporeSlings. "Okay,"shesays,carefullyslidingthetrayontothecoffeetable. "Theclockisticking

. pillit."

"Let's justseethegoods,"Joshsays, taking a sip.

I reach into my backpack and pull out the Ziploc baggie, along with Ms. Chicago's letter, and lay them

ceremoniously in the middle of the table. We sit in silence for a moment, staring at the evidence as if

theywereeggsabouttohatch.

"Man,itreallyis a fuckingpantyroundtable,"Joshmurmurs, reachingouttowardthebag.

"No!" I say, slappinghis hand. "Thepanties stayinthebag?thatistheoneconditionof theRoundTable.

Gotit?"

He folds his hands primly in his lap, sighing. "Fine. So, for the edification of the court, would you care