Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

Orr, a literary agent and book editor as well as a novelist, continued: “How will your work sound to someone reading it? Does your meaning come across the way you intend it to? Does your voice ring true?” She also offered these warnings:

Never stop studying your craft, because you can never be perfect at it.

Never edit your work on screen. Always print it out and edit on hard copy.

Whatever your writing medium,

never submit a manuscript with typos or mistakes.

Never make excuses,

never let them see you bleed,

and never get separated from your baggage.WESLEY PRICE, “Three Rules of Professional Comportment for

Writers” (originally published in The Saturday Evening Post )

Never let a domestic quarrel ruin a day’s writing.

If you can’t start the next day fresh, get rid of your wife.MARIO PUZO

This was one of “Mario Puzo’s Godfatherly Rules for Writing a Bestselling Novel,” first offered in a Time magazine interview in 1978. The rule was offered facetiously. Puzo met his German wife Erika during WWII and he remained married to her until her death in 1978, several months after the Time interview. His other rules were expressed seriously—and some neveristically:

Never write in the first person.

Never show your stuff to anybody. You can get inhibited.

Never sell your book to the movies until after it is published.

Never talk about what you are going to do until after you have written it.

Never trust anybody but yourself.

That includes critics, friends, and especially publishers.

Never write on a subject without first having read yourself full on it;

and never read on a subject till you have thought yourself hungry on it.JEAN PAUL RICHTER

Never forget that writing is as close as we get

to keeping a hold on the thousand and one things—

childhood, certainties, cities, doubts,

dreams, instants, phrases, parents, loves—

that go on slipping, like sand, through our fingers.SALMAN RUSHDIE, in the Introduction to Günter Grass’s

On Writing and Politics (1985)

Never put the story in the lead.WILLIAM SAFIRE, advice for beginning columnists

Writing a column is different from straight newspaper reporting, according to Safire, more akin to philosophizing than to journalism. As a result, beginning columnists would be wise to ignore the old saw about writing an information-packed lead. “Let ’em have a hot shot of ambiguity right between the eyes,” advised Safire, adding that it was okay to have column readers initially “wondering what your message really is.”

Whenever you write, whatever you write,

never make the mistake of assuming

the audience is any less intelligent than you are.ROD SERLING

Write freely and as rapidly as possible and throw the whole thing on paper.

Never correct or rewrite until the whole thing is down.JOHN STEINBECK, who added, “Rewrite in process

is usually found to be an excuse for not going on.”

Never tack -ize on to a noun to create a verb.WILLIAM STRUNK JR. & E. B. WHITE,

in The Elements of Style (1999)

On -ize words, Strunk and White gave the green light to summarize and fraternize , but described prioritize and finalize as “abominations.” I can only imagine what they’d say about such modern constructions as incentivize , concertize , and anonymize (a new abomination, meaning “to render anonymous”). Discussing another problem that has plagued beginning writers—imitating one’s favorite authors—the style masters wrote:

Never imitate consciously,

but do not worry about being an imitator.

Take pains instead to admire what is good.

In yet another section, on avoiding elaborate and pretentious writing as well as “the coy and the cute,” Strunk and White admonished:

Never call a stomach a tummy without good reason.

Never, never . . . try to put the author “in his place,”

making of him a pawn in a contest with other reviewers.

Review the book, not the reputation.JOHN UPDIKE, one of six rules for book reviewers,

from the Foreword to Picked-Up Pieces (1975)

Never say, “I want to come on your show to talk about my book.”LISSA WARREN, in The Savvy Author’s

Guide to Book Publicity (2003)

Never stop when you are stuck.JEANNETTE WINTERSON

Winterson, who won the 1985 Whitbread Award for a First Novel for her semiautobiographical Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit , added: “You may not be able to solve the problem, but turn aside and write something else. Do not stop altogether.”

Never read a book through merely because you have begun it.JOHN WITHERSPOON, said while president of the

College of New Jersey (later Princeton University)

Never try to fit in; it’s sheer folly.TOM WOLFE

Speaking to aspiring reporters in a 1987 interview, Wolfe added: “Be an odd, eccentric character.” The result, he suggested, will be that “People will volunteer information to you.” With his trademark white suits, often topped off by a white homburg hat, matching white tie, and two-tone shoes, Wolfe clearly followed his own advice.

Never forget that you are the protagonist in your own story.

Not the hero.WILLIAM ZINSSER, on writing memoirs, in his 2004

book Writing About Your Life: A Journey into the Past

Never say anything in writing

that you wouldn’t comfortably say in conversation.WILLIAM ZINSSER

Zinsser offered this in On Writing Well , a 1976 writing guide that sold more than a million copies and is now regarded as a classic. Urging his readers to “Be yourself when you write,” he added: “If you’re not a person who says ‘indeed’ or ‘moreover,’ or who calls someone an individual (‘he’s a fine individual’), please don’t write it.” The book also contained two other noteworthy neverisms:

Never let anything go out into the world that you don’t understand.

Never forget that you are practicing a craft with certain principles.

Zinsser explained this last point with a metaphor from the world of carpentry: “It’s first necessary to be able to saw wood neatly and to drive nails. Later you can bevel the edges or add elegant finials, if that’s your taste.” And then he concluded: “If the nails are weak, your house will collapse. If your verbs are weak and your syntax is rickety, your sentences will fall apart.”

Acknowledgments

Ihave dedicated this book to Linnda Durré and Carolanne Reynolds, two very special people who were enormously helpful on this project. I am also grateful to Terry Coleman, who carefully read early drafts and offered many helpful suggestions for improvement. My deepest gratitude, though, continues to go to my wife, Katherine Robinson, whose guiding principle in our marriage (“Never hesitate to offer your husband an opinion . . . on anything”) has been a perfect complement to my own marital interaction rule: “Never try to muzzle a wife.”