Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

You should never spend Saturday nights lying on your bed.

Never sit around dreaming of him

or you might end up acting on your thoughts.

(on an attraction to a married man)

Never give him your address or meet him at your apartment,

and never let him pick you up in his car to drive to a restaurant.

(a rule for dating via personal ads)

Never let him think, even if it’s true,

that you are home thinking about him and making the wedding guest list.

Men love the seemingly unattainable girl.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do

she’ll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life.W. C. FIELDS

Never have sex with your ex.YVONNE K. FULBRIGHT

This was the first of seventy dating and relationship rules—every one beginning with the word never —that Fulbright laid out in Sex with Your Ex . . . And 69 Other Things You Should Never Do Again (2007). Fulbright’s list contains all the mistakes one would expect in such a compilation, and also some fresh ones. Here are several more of my favorites:

Never ask him if you look fat.

Never answer your phone during sex.

Never reveal your number of sexual partners.

Never talk about things your previous lovers did in bed.

Never write your ex a letter letting him know “how you feel.”

Never ask . . . which of your friends he would sleep with if he weren’t with you.

Never give a gift or present without wrapping it.GREGORY J. P. GODEK

In 1001 Ways to be Romantic (1999), Godek added: “Get extra-nice wrapping paper and bows. If you truly have two left thumbs, get the store to do your gift-wrapping for you.”

Never tell a woman she doesn’t look good

in some article of clothing she has just purchased.LEWIS GRIZZARD

Never chase a man. Let him chase you.KIM GRUENENFELDER, in her 2009

novel A Total Waste of Makeup

The words come at the beginning of the novel, when the protagonist—a twenty-nine-year-old Hollywood executive assistant—attempts to make sense out of her own life by writing a book of advice for her imagined future great-grandniece. As she reflects on “pretty much anything I wish I had known at sixteen, and wish I could force myself to remember at twenty-nine,” she also offers these tips:

Never ask a guy about his old girlfriends.

Never expect anyone to take care of you financially.

Never ask a single person if they’re “seeing anyone special,”

an unemployed person if they found a job,

or a married couple when they’re planning to have children.

Never have a love affair with a man whose friendship you value.

Because there’s nothing like sex

to make people hate and misunderstand each other.EMILY “MICKEY” HAHN

Never judge someone by who he’s in love with;

judge him by his friends.CYNTHIA HEIMEL, in But Enough about You (1986)

Heimel added: “People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his friends.” In Kim Gruenenfelder’s A Total Waste of Makeup (2009), the protagonist makes a similar observation:

Never judge people by who they date—your own sex life

is confusing enough without trying to figure out someone else’s.

Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs—sex especially.ROBERT A. HEINLEIN

The words come from the character Lazarus Long in Heinlein’s Time Enough for Love (1973). He continues: When they are growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any invasion of their privacy. Oh, sure, they’ll make mistakes—but that’s their business, not yours. (You made your own mistakes, did you not?)

Never try to make a husband your husband.KERRY HERLIHY

This exceptional admonition is from “Papa Don’t Preach,” an essay that appeared in an anthology of feminist writing, The Bitch in the House (2000) , edited by Cathi Hanauer. In the essay, Herlihy also wrote: “Never take him seriously when he complains about his wife.”

Never document your workplace romance in a diary

where a nosy roommate or boyfriend can find it

and attempt to blackmail your boss.RUTH HOUSTON

Houston, an “infidelity expert” who wrote Is He Cheating on You? (2002), offered this thought in 2009, shortly after CBS producer Joe Halderman, was arrested for trying to extort two million dollars from David Letterman. Halderman was the boyfriend of Stephanie Birkitt, an assistant to Letterman. After Halderman discovered evidence of a sexual relationship between Birkitt and Letterman in her personal diary and e-mails, he attempted to use the information to blackmail Letterman. Houston added this diary rule to a previously published list of “17 Rules of Engagement for Workplace Romance,” a number of which were expressed neveristically:

Never get involved with someone in your direct chain of command.

Never get involved in an office affair

if either of you are married or in a committed relationship.

Never engage in sex on company property.

(That includes stairwells, supply closets, and company parking lots.)

Never allow yourself to be pressured

into any activity that makes you uncomfortable,

no matter what your partner wants.HILDA HUTCHERSON

This was Rule Number Two in Hutcherson’s 2002 book What Your Mother Never Told You about S-E-X (the first was “Always Communicate”).

Never screw your buddy to screw a girl.JOE KITA, in Guy Q: 1,305 Totally Essential Secrets

You Either Know, or You Don’t (2003)

In this observation, described by Kita as “The Buddy Bylaw,” two separate meanings of the verb to screw are cleverly juxtaposed. He also advised:

When you’re trying to impress a woman,

never utter these words at the cusp of an evening,

“So, what do you feel like doing?” A true Casanova takes charge.

Never forget that cologne is for after showering,

not instead of showering.CAROL LEIFER, in When You Lie About

Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009)

This was one of “A Dozen Things Men Should Know (But Most Don’t).” In contrast to the many dehortations we’ve been featuring, a wise exhortation also appeared on Leifer’s list: “Always walk a woman to her car. And always wait until a woman’s car has driven safely away.”

When your man is mad, wait until he’s in the right mood.

Never approach fire with gas.RISA MICKENBERG, quoting an unnamed

taxi driver, in Taxi Driver Wisdom (1996)

Never go out with anyone who says

he loves you more than his wife or girlfriend.WILLIAM NOVAK, in The Great American Man Shortage (1983)

Novak’s book was subtitled And Other Roadblocks to Romance (and What to Do about It). It also contained these other romantic guidelines: