Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

Never deceive a friend.HIPPARCHUS (6th century B.C.)

Socrates described Hipparchus as an enlightened ruler who was a patron of the arts and deeply committed to the education of all citizens in the ancient nation-state of Athens. This quotation often appears in essays celebrating the nature of friendship, but it may not be as high-minded as it first appears. Hipparchus probably meant something like “It’s okay to deceive an enemy, but never deceive a friend.”

Never speak disrespectfully of anyone without a cause.THOMAS “STONEWALL” JACKSON, in Memoirs of

Stonewall Jackson by His Widow

Mary Anna Jackson (1895)

During his many years as a U.S. artillery officer—and later when he was a general in the Confederate Army—Jackson kept a personal journal of inspirational sayings (today they might be called “affirmations”). Almost all of the sayings were borrowed from others, often without attribution. Jackson wasn’t plagiarizing, since the sayings were meant for his own personal use. After his death, though, when the sayings were published in Mrs. Jackson’s memoirs of her husband, they began to be attributed directly to him. Two additional entries in Jackson’s original journal focused on the dangers of self-absorption and long-windedness:

Never engross the whole conversation to yourself.

Say as little of yourself and friends as possible.

Good-breeding is opposed to selfishness, vanity, or pride.

Never weary your company by talking too long or too frequently.

Never let a problem to be solved

become more important than a person to be loved.BARBARA JOHNSON

For many years, this has been one of my favorite quotations. Despite many attempts, I’ve never been able to determine the identity of Ms. Johnson, who was quoted as saying this in a 1997 issue of Reader’s Digest.

Never show warmth where it will find no response.

Nothing is so cold as feeling which is not communicated.JOSEPH JOUBERT

This appeared in Joubert: A Selection from His Thoughts, a 2005 anthology that also contained this helpful reminder: “Never speak of the faults of a good man to those who know neither his countenance, nor his life, nor his merits.”

Never reveal all of yourself to other people;

hold back something in reserve

so that people are never quite sure if they really know you.MICHAEL KORDA, in Power: How to Get It, How to Use It (1975)

In his 1975 bestseller, Korda wrote, “All life is a game of power.” The goal of the game is simple, he said: “To know what you want and to get it.” And then he added: “The moves of the game, by contrast, are infinite and complex, although they usually involve the manipulation of people and situations to your advantage.”

Never let an opportunity pass

to say a kind and encouraging word to or about somebody.ANN LANDERS, one of her “Ten Commandments

of How to Get Along with People”

Never say you know a man

until you have divided an inheritance with him.JOHANN KASPAR LAVATER

Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or to keep one.ROBERT E. LEE

Lee was superintendent of the West Point Military Academy in 1852 when he wrote this in a letter to his eldest son, George Washington Custis Lee, a West Point cadet at the time. The letter was “filled with aphoristic wisdom,” according to one Lee biographer, and I think you might enjoy a look at this other advice provided in the letter: Above all, do not appear to others what you are not. If you have any fault to find with any one, tell him, not others, of what you complain; there is no more dangerous experiment than that of undertaking to be one thing before a man’s face and another behind his back.

In New Orleans, there is a monument to Robert E. Lee in the middle of a large traffic rotary known as “Lee Circle.” Erected in 1884, the statue of Lee faces due north. City tour guides always get a hearty laugh from tourists when they point out that the northward orientation of the statue is not for directional purposes, but because General Lee held a belief common among southerners: “Never turn your back on a Yankee.”

Never complain about your age to someone older than you.CAROL LEIFER

In When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win (2009), Leifer also advised: “Never refer to a woman as ‘ma’am,’ even if she’s ninety years old.”

People, even more than things,

have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.

Never throw out anybody.SAM LEVENSON

This originally appeared in Levenson’s In One Era and Out the Other (1973). After Audrey Hepburn adopted this and some other Levenson sayings for an article on “Time-Tested Beauty Tips,” the quotation was commonly misattributed to her.

Never reveal what you know first.

Ask questions to gather information

to see if it’s consistent with what you already know.DAVID J. LIEBERMAN, in Never Be Lied to Again (1999)

This advice occurred in a section about getting information from another person, especially when that person might not be cooperative.

Never assume that habitual silence means ability in reserve.GEOFFREY MADAN

Never assume that anyone who asks,

“How are you?” really wants to know.DAVID L. MCKENNA, in Retirement Is Not for Sissies (2008)

Stimulated by some neverisms in Dave Barry Turns 50, McKenna, a former college president, compiled a list that was true for him at age seventy-five. You’ll find a few more McKenna quotations in other chapters, but here are several more from his book:

Never deny a woman who says that she has nothing to wear.

Never ask the doctor, “If I were your son, what would you do?”

Never answer “yes” when someone stops

in the middle of a joke to ask, “Have you heard this one?”

Never forget the power of silence,

the massively disconcerting pause which goes on and on

and may at last induce an opponent to babble and backtrack nervously.LANCE MORROW, in a 1981 Time magazine essay

Never answer an angry word with an angry word.

It’s the second one that makes the quarrel.W. A. “DUB” NANCE

Nance, a real estate agent and Methodist minister, served for a number of years as “corporate chaplain” of the Holiday Inn hotel chain. In the 1970s, he and a nationwide network of clergymen provided crisis counseling and spiritual guidance to hotel guests. In The Civility Solution (2008), P. M. Forni echoed the theme: “Never respond to rudeness with rudeness.”

Never do a friend a dirty trick.GEORGE JEAN NATHAN, from his “Code of Life”

I’ve long admired people who can describe a personal code of life in a few well-phrased lines. Nathan, a celebrated American theater critic, did this in a spectacular way in his 1952 book The World of George Jean Nathan. I think you’ll enjoy the complete piece, which also contains a few other neverisms:

My code of life and conduct is simply this:

work hard, play to the allowable limit,

disregard equally the good and bad opinion of others,