Mardy Grothe - Neverisms

Never rent an apartment with electric heat unless you live in the south.

Never play Twister naked unless you have a can of non-stick cooking spray.

Never drink alcohol when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

Booze will only exacerbate these emotions.

Never harbor grudges; they sour your stomach and do no harm to anyone else.ROBERTSON DAVIES, from a character in Murther & Walking Spirits (1991)

Never get bored or cynical.WALT DISNEY

Never wave at a video camera. ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, in The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)

For many years, Esquire has run a feature on rules men can use to guide their lives. In 2005, the editors compiled the best rules and published them in an attractive coffee-table book. Of the 697 entries, many were expressed neveristically. Other rules can be found in later chapters of this book, but here are a few more that fit under the advice rubric:

Never select a tattoo just because it’s on sale.

Never be the one to start—or finish—a stadium “wave.”

If you’re younger than 80,

you should never utter the phrase “the whole kit and kaboodle.”

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.MICKEY FRIEDMAN

Never argue with the inevitable.PATRICIA FRIPP

Fripp, a popular corporate speaker, was likely inspired by a famous observation from the American poet James Russell Lowell: “There is no good in arguing with the inevitable. The only argument available with an east wind is to put on your overcoat.”

Never feel compelled to finish everything on your plate.DR. SANJAY GUPTA, in a February 2001

issue of Men’s Journal

Gupta wrote this in an article titled “The Completely Doable Guide to Living to 100.” The advice runs counter to a lesson many received as children (“clean your plate”), but most experts agree that eating less is an important key to living longer. Regarding the amount of food to eat, Gupta provided this helpful rule of thumb: “Never take a portion that is bigger than the size of your palm.” A few years earlier, Dr. Wayne Dyer said similarly:

Never eat by anyone else’s timetable.

Rid yourself of thoughts like, “It’s supper time, I guess I should eat.”

Consult your body. Is it hungry?

Never bear more than one trouble at a time.

Some people bear three kinds—

all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have.EDWARD EVERETT HALE

Never wear a hat that has more character than you do.MICHAEL HARRIS, former owner

of Paul’s Hat Works in San Francisco

Never take the advice of someone

who has not had your kind of trouble.SYDNEY J. HARRIS, in Strictly Personal (1953)

Harris added: “It is sure to be based on the false assumption that what sounds ‘reasonable’ will turn out to be the right solution.”

Never sing a blues that isn’t from personal experience,

something you haven’t lived through.SAM “LIGHTNIN’ ” HOPKINS, quoted by Joel Mabus

Never bend your head.

Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.HELEN KELLER, advice to a five-year-old blind girl

Never be entirely idle;

but either be reading, or writing, or praying, or meditating,

or endeavoring something for the common good.THOMAS À KEMPIS, from The Imitation of Christ (c. 1418)

Never depend on anyone except yourself.JEAN DE LA FONTAINE, in his Fables (1668)

Never let an enemy get set. . . .

Never let him move from a secure position

or give him time to move his pieces on the chessboard.LOUIS L’AMOUR, in The Warrior’s Path (1980)

Never tell evil of a man if you do not know it for a certainty.JOHANN KASPAR LAVATER

Lavater, an eighteenth-century Swiss theologian, added, “And if you know it for a certainty, then ask yourself, “Why should I tell it?”

Never open the door to those who

open them even without your permission.STANISLAW JERZY LEC, in Unkempt Thoughts (1962)

This is an important reminder that we should never give extra assistance to those who clearly don’t have our best interests in mind. It’s similar to a proverbial saying about refusing to provide assistance to wrong-doers: “Never hold a candle for the devil.”

Never perform for your family.

They either laugh too hard or not at all.JAY LENO, in Jay Leno’s How to Be the Funniest Kid in

the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your Class) (2007)

Leno added: “Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you’re really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it’s the greatest thing in the world.”

Never undertake anything unless you have

the heart to ask Heaven’s blessing on your undertaking.G. C. LICHTENBERG

Never let your correspondence fall behind.ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Lincoln jotted down this thought while preparing for a law lecture in 1850. He began by writing, “The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence. Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.”

Never treat time as if you had an unlimited supply.OG MANDINO, in A Better Way to Live (1990)

This appeared in a New York Times bestseller that was subtitled: Og Mandino’s Own Personal Story of Success. Mandino laid out seventeen rules that he used to transform his life from a derelict alcoholic on the brink of suicide into one of history’s most famous inspirational speakers. Here is more advice from the book:

Never be too big to ask questions,

never know too much to learn something new.

Never skimp on that extra effort, that additional few minutes,

that soft word of praise or thanks,

that delivery of the very best that you can do.

Never allow the pains, hurdles, and handicaps of the moment

to poison your attitude and plans for yourself and your future.

You can never win when you wear the ugly cloak of self-pity.

Never again clutter your days or nights

with so many menial and unimportant things that you have no time

to accept a real challenge when it comes along.

Never sound excited.EDWARD R. MURROW

Murrow said this to a young broadcast journalist during WWII. He added that it was also essential to keep news reports simple, but not too simple: Imagine yourself at a dinner table back in the United States with a local editor, a banker, and a professor talking over coffee. You try to tell what it was like, while the maid’s boyfriend, a truck driver, listens from the kitchen. Try to be understood by the truck driver while not insulting the professor’s intelligence.

Never befriend the oppressed

unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor.OGDEN NASH, a “cardinal rule”