Rex Stout - And Be a Villain

O’Hara turned to me. I have to hand it to him, he looked me in the eye as he asked: Will you do it?” I grinned at him. “That warrant Purley showed me is around somewhere. It will be vacated?” “Yes.” “Okay, I've got witnesses.” I crossed to the desk and began returning my belongings to the proper pockets. The anonymous letter was there where O’Hara had left it when he had advanced to overwhelm me, and I picked it up and displayed it. “I'm taking this,” I said, “but I'll let you look at it again if you want to May I use the phone?” I circled the desk, dropped into O’Hara's personal chair, pulled the instrument to me, and asked the male switchboard voice to get Mr Nero Wolfe. The voice asked who I was and I told it. Then we had some comedy. After I had waited a good two minutes there was a knock on the door and O’Hara called come in. The door swung wide open and two individuals entered with guns in their hands, stern and alert. When they saw the arrangements they stopped dead and looked foolish.

“What do you want?” O’Hara barked.

“The phone,” one said. “Goodwin. We didn't know…” “For Christ's sake!” Purley exploded. “Ain't I here?” It was a breach of discipline, with his superiors present They bumped at the threshold, getting out, pulling the door after them. I couldn't possibly have been blamed for helping myself to another hearty laugh, but mere's a limit to what even a Deputy Commissioner will take, so I choked it off and sat tight until there was a voice in my ear that I knew better than any other voice on earth.

“Archie,” I said.

“Where are you?” The voice was icy with rage, but not at me.

“I'm in O’Hara's office, at his desk, using his phone. I am half-starved.

O’Hara, Cramer, and Sergeant Stebbins are present To be perfectly fair, Cramer and Purley are innocent. This bone- headed play was a solo by O’Hara. He fully realizes his mistake and sincerely apologizes. The warrant for my arrest is a thing of the past. The letter about Miss Vance is in my pocket. I have conceded nothing. I'm free to go where I please, including home. O’Hara requests, as a personal favour, that you kill the an- nouncement you gave WPI T. Can that be done?” “It can if I choose. It was arranged through Mr Richards.” “So I suspected. You should have seen O’Hara's face when the tidings reached him. If you choose, and all of us here hope you do, go ahead and kill it and I'll be there in twenty minutes or less. Tell Fritz I'm hungry.” “Mr O’Hara is a nincompoop. Tell him I said so. I'll have the announcement suspended temporarily, but there will be condi- tions. Stay there. I'll phone you shortly.” I cradled the phone, leaned back, and grinned at the three inquiring faces.

“He'll call back. He thinks he can head it off temporarily, but he's got some idea about conditions.” I focused on O’Hara. “He said to tell you that he says you're a nincompoop, but I think it would be more tactful not to mention it, so I won't.” “Some day,” O’Hara said through his teeth, “he'll land on his nose.” They all sat down and began exchanging comments. I didn't listen because my mind was occupied. I was willing to chalk up for Wolfe a neat and well-timed swagger, and to admit that it got the desired results, but now what? Did he really have anything at all, and if so how much? It had better be fairly good. Cramer and Stebbins were not exactly ready to clasp our hands across the corpses, and as for O’Hara, I only hoped to God that when Wolfe called back he wouldn't tell me to slap the Deputy Commissioner on the back and tell him it had been just a prank and wasn't it fun? All in all, it was such a gloomy outlook that when the buzzer sounded and I reached for the phone I would just as soon have been somewhere else.

Wolfe's voice asked if they were still there and I said yes. He said to tell them that the announcement had been postponed and would not be broadcast at ten o'clock, and I did so. Then he asked for my report of the day's events.

Now?” I demanded. “On the phone?” “Yes,” he said. “Concisely, but including all essentials. If there is a contradiction to demolish I must know it.” Even with the suspicion gnawing at me that I had got roped in for a supporting role in an enormous bluff, I did enjoy it. It was a situation anyone would appreciate. There I was, in O’Hara's chair at his desk in his office, giving a detailed report to Wolfe of a murder I had witnessed and a police operation I had helped with, and for over half an hour those three bozos simply utterly had to sit and listen. Whatever position they might be in all too soon, all they could do now was take it and like it. I did enjoy it. Now and then Wolfe interrupted with a question, and when I had finished he took me back to fill in a few gaps. Then he proceeded to give me instructions, and as I listened it became apparent that if it was a bluff at least he wasn't going to leave me behind the enemy lines to fight my way out. I asked him to repeat it to make sure I had it straight. He did so.

“Okay,” I said. Tell Fritz I'm hungry.” I hung up and faced the three on chairs:

“I'm sorry it took so long, but he pays my salary and what could I do? As I told you, the announcement has been postponed. He is willing to kill it, but that sort of depends. He thinks it would be appropriate for Inspector Cramer and Sergeant Stebbins to help with the wind-up. He would appreciate it if you will start by delivering eight people at his office as soon as possible. He wants the five who were at the Fraser apartment today, not including the girl, Nancylee, or Cora the cook. Also Savarese. Also Anderson, president of the Starlite Company, and Owen, the public relations man. All he wants you to do is to get them there, and to be present yourselves, but with the understanding that he will run the show. With that provision, he states that when you leave you will be prepared to make an arrest and take the murderer with you, and the announcement he gave WPIT will not be made. You can do the announcing.” I arose and moved, crossing to a chair over by the wall near the door to reclaim my hat and coat. Then I turned: “It's after ten o'clock, and if this thing is on I'm not going to start it on an empty stomach. In my opinion, even if all he has in mind is a game of blind man's buff, which I doubt, it's well worth it. Orchard died twenty-five days ago. Beula Poole nine days. Miss Koppel ten hours. You could put your inventory on a postage stamp.” I had my hand on the doorknob. “How about it? Feel like helping?” Cramer growled at me, “Why Anderson and Owen? What does he want them for?” “Search me. Of course he likes a good audience.” “Maybe we can't get them.” “You can try. You're an inspector and murder is a very bad crime.” “It may take hours.” Teah, it looks like an all-night party. If I can stand it you can, not to mention Mr Wolfe. All right, then we'll be seeing you.” I opened the door and took a step, but turned: “Oh, I forgot, he told me to tell you, this anonymous letter about Elinor Vance is just some home-made bait that didn't get used. I typed it myself this morning. If you get a chance tonight you can do a sample on my machine and compare.” O’Hara barked ferociously: “Why the hell didn't you say so?” “I didn't like the way I was asked, Commissioner. The only man I know of more sensitive than me is Nero Wolfe.” It was not surprising that Cramer delivered the whole order. Certainly none of those people could have been compelled to go out into the night, and let themselves be conveyed to Nero Wolfe's office, or any place else, without slapping a charge on them, but it doesn't take much compelling when you're in that kind of a fix. They were all there well before midnight, Wolfe stayed up in his room until they all arrived. I had supposed that while I ate my warmed-over cutlets he would have some questions or instructions for me, and probably both, but no. If he had anything he already had it and needed no contributions from me. He saw to it that my food was hot and my salad crisp and then beat it upstairs.