Rex Stout - Some Buried Caesar

"Tell them," Basil said, "that the offer of a dime to join is withdrawn. Tell them that the privilege of being charter mem- bers expires at noon and after that we may let them in and we may not. Tell them that our platform is Brotherhood, Uni- versal Suffrage, and Freedom. Tell-"

"Universal Suffering?"

"No. Suf-leave that one out. Brotherhood and Freedom. Tell them that if they don't like the idea of a public-spirited woman coming around and the provisions with regard to bath- ing, the only way these demands can be changed is by the membership of the C. C. P. U., which is organized and func- tioning, and if they don't become members they can't help change them. Incidentally, our President will pay you two bits for each and every one you get to sign."

"Two bits? That's on the level?"

"Absolutely. Wait a minute, come back here. Since you're a trusty and are therefore technically one of us, you're eligible to join yourself if you want to. But you don't get any two bits for signing yourself up. It wouldn't be ethical. Would it. Presi- dent Goodwin? Wouldn't that be e pluribus unum corpus delicti?"

"Right."

"Okay. Go ahead. Slim. Noon is the deadline."

Basil went back and sat down and picked up the brush. "No damn good as an agitator?" he inquired sarcastically.

"As an agitator, above average," I admitted. "As a treasurer, only so-so. You're inchned to overdraw."

I don't know to this day what the C. C. P. U. membership amounted to at its peak. When Slim had got 4 new members signed up he came to our cell and requested a dollar before proceeding further, and I paid him, and by 10 o'clock he had 4 more and got another dollar, but at that point I was re- moved from the scene by a keeper coming to get me. I started out, but Basil interposed to say that I had better leave the other $1.75 with him, since I had assumed the obligation, just in case. I told him he shouldn't be so pessimistic about the President but agreed that his point was valid, and shelled out.

Captain Barrow, still with no sign of flinching, was wait- ing in the hall outside the warden's office. He told me curtly to come on, and from behind my elbow directed me out of that wing of the building, up two flights of stairs, and along an upper corridor to a door which I had entered on Tuesday afternoon in the company of Osgood and Wolfe. We passed through the anteroom to the inner chamber, and there sat District Attorney Waddell at his desk, with bleary eyes that made him look pudgier than ever.

I marched up to the desk and told him offensively, "Nero Wolfe wants to see you, mister."

Barrow snarled, "Sit down, you."

I sat, and scratched my thigh and shoulder and side and arm ostentatiously.

Waddell demanded, "What about it? Have you changed your mind?"

"Yes," I said, "I have. I used to think that the people who make speeches and write books about prison reform are all sentimental softies, but no more. They may or may not-"

'Turn it off," Barrow growled. "And quit scratching." Waddell said sternly, "I advise you not to be flippant. We have evidence that you possess vital information in a murder case. We want it." He laid a fist on his desk and leaned for- ward. "We're going to get it."

I grinned at him. "I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. My head is fairly buzzing with this new idea I've got and I can't think of anything else, not even murder." I erased the grin and pointed a finger at him and made my tone ominous;

"Your head will soon be buzzing too. Don't think it won't. The C. C. P. U. is going to clean up, and how would you like to be kicked out of office?"

"Bah. You damn fool. Do you think Osgood runs this county? What's the C. C. P. U.?"

I knew he'd ask, since elected persons are always morbid about organizations. I told him impressively, "The Crow- field County Prisoners Union. I'm President. We'll be 100 per cent by noon. Our demands include-"

I stopped and got my feet under my chair ready for leverage, because Barrow had got up and taken two steps and from his expression I thought for a second he was going to haul off and aim one. He halted and said slowly, "Don't get scared, I couldn't do it here. But there's a room down in the basement or I could take you out to the barracks. Get this. You cut the comedy."

I shrugged. "If you fellows really want to talk seriously, I'll tell you something. Do you?"

"You'll find out how serious we are before we finish with you."

"Okay. First, if you think you can scare me by threats about basements you're too dumb for a mother's tears. Com- mon sense is against it, the probabilities are against it, and I'm against it. Second, the comedy. You asked for it by start- ing it, yesterday afternoon. You have no judgment. It's per- fectly true that there are people who can be opened up by making faces at them and talking loud, but if I was one of them how long do you think I'd last as Nero Wolfe's favorite employee, eating with him at his table? Look at me, anyhow! Can't you tell one kind of mug from another kind? Third, the situation we're in. It's so simple I understand it myself. You think I have knowledge which is your legal property because you're cops working on a murder, and I say I haven't. Under those circumstances, what can I do? I can keep my mouth shut. What can you do? You can arrest me and put me under bond to appear on demand. Finally, when you've gath- ered up everything you can find and put it in order, you can.either pin something on me, like obstruction of justice or accessory or perjury if I've been under oath, or any of that crap, or you can't. I return for a moment to your objection to my comedy. You deserved it because you've acted like a pair of comics yourselves."

I turned my palms up. "Were any of the words too long for you?"

Barrow sat down and looked at Waddell. The District At- torney said, "We don't think you have knowledge of facts, we know you have. And that's no comedy. Will you give them to us?"

"Nothing to give."

"Do you know your jeopardy? Have you had legal advice?"

"I don't need it. Didn't you hear my lecture? Find a lawyer that can beat it."

"You mentioned a bond. If you apply for release on bail, I'll oppose it. If your application is granted, it will be as high as I can make it."

"That's jake. Don't start worrying your little head about that on top of all your other troubles. I don't believe a rustic judge can look me in the eye and hold me without bail. The amount is a matter of indifference. My sister's father is a rich sewer tycoon."

"Your father? Where?"

"I said my sister's father. My family connections are none of your business, and besides, they're too complicated for you to understand. He is also occasionally my mother's father, on account of the fact that on the telephone last night my sister was my mother. But he isn't my father because I've never met him."

Barrow's head was twisted with his eyes fixed on me search- ingly. "By God, I don't know," he said in a tone of doubtful surprise. "Maybe we ought to have Doc Sackett examine you."

Waddell disagreed. "It would cost 5 dollars and it's not worth it. Put him back in.the cooler. If he's starting any trou- ble down there with this C. C. P. U. stuff, tell Oilie to put him in solitary. Tell Oilie he'd better investigate-"