Rex Stout - Some Buried Caesar

She stopped. I remarked, "And that's what you were thinking about."

"No, that only leads up to it." She frowned at me. "You're a detective. That's your business, isn't it?"

"Yep, 24 hour service."

"And you… you keep things confidential?"

"Sure, when they are confidential."

"Well, this is. Lily Rowan is after my brother Jimmy."

I raised the brows. "And?"

"She mustn't get him. She hasn't got him… yet. I would have supposed Jimmy had too much sense, but apparently that has nothing to do with it. Also I thought he was in love with Nan Osgood; I thought that last winter. A month or so ago Lily Rowan started after him. And even Jimmy… even Jimmy will fall for it! How the devil does she do it? Damn her!"

"I couldn't say. I could ask her."

"This isn't a joke. She'll ruin him."

"I don't regard it as a job. You asked a silly question. And her being up here… you invited her just to help things along a little and have it over with?"

"I invited her because I thought that seeing her like this… out here in the country… might bring him to. But it hasn't."

"He still laps it up." "Yes."

I hunched my shoulders. "Well, granted that I'm a good detective, there doesn't seem to be anything to detect. It seems to be what my employer calls a natural process, and there's no way of stopping it except to send your brother to Australia for a pair of shoestrings or cut her throat."

"I could do that, cut her throat. I could murder her. But maybe there is a way. That's what I was thinking about. She said something about you today while you were upstairs. Something that gave me an idea."

"What did she say?"

"I can't tell you. I couldn't say it."

"Was it… well, personal?"

"Very personal."

"What was it?"

"I tell you I- won't repeat it. But that, and other things, and her asking you to have lunch with her… I believe you could take her away from Jimmy. Provided you don't try. She likes to do the trying, when she gets energy enough. Something about you has attracted her; I knew that when she called you Escamillo."

"Go on."

"That's all. Except… of course… I don't mean to ask a favor of you. There's no reason why you should do me a favor, even as great a one as this. It's a matter of business. When you send me a bill I'll pay it, only if it's very big I might have to pay in installments."

"I see. First I act coy, then I let her ruin me, then I send

you a bill-"

"I tell you this isn't a joke. It's anything but a joke. Will

you do it?"

I screwed up my lips, regarding her. Then I got out a ciga- rette, offered her one which was refused, and lit up.

"Look," I said, "I think it's a joke. Let's say she goes ahead and ruins him. In my opinion, if he's worth the powder to blow him to hell, he'll soon get unruined. No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with time- tables. God bless you, you say you want to hire me to pull her off. I couldn't take an outside job even if I wanted to, because I work for Nero Wolfe on salary. But since you want to make it strictly a matter of business, I'll do this for you:

I'll eat lunch with her tomorrow, provided you'll pay the check. That will be $2, for which, inclusive. 111 make you a detailed report of progress."

She said briefly, "It isn't a joke. I'll give you the $2 when we get back to the house," and stepped on the starter.

It surely wouldn't have been too much to expect that I might have had a little peace and quiet during the hour that remained before dinnertime, but no such luck. I had unloaded the crates of plants and taken them upstairs to the bathroom, and had carted up the two suitcases, and my final Journey was with the two bags. Entering the room with them and hearing a noise in the bathroom, I put the bags down and crossed to the open door and saw Wolfe there, with the lids of the crates lifted so he could inspect the orchids to see if they would require spraying. I said the plants looked to me to be in good shape, and be acknowledged the fact. Then I said that since our shirts and ties were in the suitcases, likewise toilet articles, I presumed it would be unnecessary to open the bags, though I had brought them up. Not looking at me, he murmured casually but distinctly:

"It would be well, I think, to unpack."

I started. "The whole works?"

"Yes."

"You mean take everything out?"

"Yes."

"And put it back in again after dinner?"

"No. We shall sleep here tonight."

I started to improvise a cutting remark, because I am methodical by temperament and like to see plans carried out when they have been made, but then I reflected that after all this place unquestionably had it all over any hotel room they were likely to be saving for us in Crowfield, with the town overflowing with exposition visitors. On the other hand it was always bad policy to feed his conceit by displaying ap- proval, so without comment I returned to the bedroom and began operations on the big suitcase. Pretty soon he waddled in, removed his coat and vest and dropped them on one of the beds, and started to unbutton his shirt.

I inquired pleasantly, "How did you coerce Pratt into having us as house guests? Just turn on the old charm?"

"There was no coercion. Technically we are not guests. Mr. Pratt was eager to adopt my suggestion."

"Oh." I whirled on him with my hands full of socks and handkerchiefs. "You made a suggestion?"

"I did. I'm being perfectly frank about it, Archie; I could let it appear that the suggestion originated with Mr. Pratt, but it didn't; I offered it. Knowing of his difficulty, it seemed a decent thing to do, after his generous hospitality. He ap- proved at once, and proposed a commission to me, and I accepted."

"I see." I was still holding the haberdashery. "What kind of a commission, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Not a very lucrative one. Nor very difficult. Surveillance."

"I thought so." I crossed and opened a drawer of the bureau and arranged the socks and handkerchiefs inside. Then I stood and watched him struggle out of his shirt and heard the seams protesting. "I suspected it the minute you told me to unpack. Okay. That's a new one. Pasture patrol. Bodyguard for a bull. I sincerely trust you'll enjoy a good night's sleep, sir, having this lovely room all to yourself."

"Don't take a tone with me, Archie. It will be dull, that's all, for a man as fidgety-"

"Dull?" I waved a hand. "Don't you believe it. Dull, out there alone in the night, sharing my secrets with the stars? You don't know me. And glowing with satisfaction because just by being there I'll be making it possible for you to snooze in that excellent bed in this big airy room. And then the dawnj Mr. Wolfe, how I love the dawn!" "You won't see the dawn."

"The hell I won't. Who'll bump me off, Clyde? Or will the bull get me?"

"Neither. I have made arrangements with Mr. Pratt and Mr. McMillan. The man called Dave will be on guard while we are dining. At 8:30 you will relieve him, and at 1 o'clock you will be relieved by Mr. McMillan. You often go to bed that late at home. You had better waken me by knocking when you come in. I am not accustomed to my room being entered at night."