Andrew Vachss - Dead and Gone

“Not much of an impact with—”

“But very, very small,” she said, tapping the underside of her wrist. “And subsonic ammunition. Very quiet.”

“You have to be—”

“Close. Yes.”

She cleaned the mini-Derringer with practiced movements, her square-cut nails clicking on the metal every so often. When she was done, she came to where I was sitting. Bent down and kissed the side of my neck, her dark-nippled bleached-earth breasts against my face, fresh-harvest hair all around us both.

“Yes?” is all she said.

It didn’t work any better than it had the last time.

Gem took a very long time to put on her makeup. She was sitting lotus-positioned, working by sunlight before a large portable mirror she’d set up in the living room. Looking over her shoulder, I could see her face in the mirror. But I couldn’t see where all the makeup went.

She took a long time in her room, too. When she came out, she was wearing a green plaid pleated skirt and a green wool blazer with a school crest on the left breast pocket. Plain black loafers and white knee-highs. She slipped on her backpack, bowed her head slightly to me. She looked about sixteen.

“I will be back in a few hours,” is all she said.

Most people would have a hard time with all the waiting I had to do. Most people weren’t raised in places where patience was one of the few ways you could resist what they were doing to you. But, sitting there, thinking it through, I got some of the windowing again. As if, when I pushed hard enough with my mind, I cracked some membrane and the memories flowed like lava, unstoppable.

It was dark by the time Gem came back. She slipped her backpack off her shoulders, let it fall to the floor, then walked over to me, an expression on her face I couldn’t read.

She sat delicately in my lap. Unfastened the top two buttons of the white oxford-cloth shirt she had on under the blazer.

“Would you like me to leave this on?” she asked, shyly, her face buried against me—I could feel the heat.

“No.”

She shivered.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“You’re ice now.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I am sorry. What I said … it was wrong.”

I tugged on her thin shoulder so that she was facing me. “It wasn’t wrong,” I said quietly. “It was sweet. You were trying to … help me … with what’s wrong.”

“I insulted you.”

“No.”

“Yes. Yes, I did. I did not mean it as you believe.”

“How do you know what I believe?”

“The ice. It does not lie. But I am a grown woman, not a child. For today, for what I had to do, it was a disguise. But an outfit, when you know the truth, is not the same as—”

“No. You’re right. But it’s too … close.”

“Close?”

“To the line. A grown woman wants to dress up as a schoolgirl, it can be cute and sexy. But only if it’s real obvious she’s grown, understand? The way you’re made up, you look too real.”

“Ah.”

“I don’t need a window for that,” I told her.

“I understand.”

“Do you, girl? There’s … lines, okay? All kinds of things turn people on. As long as there’s two—hell, two or more—players and they’re grown, it’s nobody’s business. Some people get excited by feet. That’s fine. But there’s freaks who get excited by kids’ feet. That’s … not.”

“Why is that … not?”

“Because kids don’t agree to play. They can’t agree. It’s not in them, to make those decisions. Like the maggots who spank their kids for entertainment.”

“To spank a child is wrong?” she asked, gravely.

“A smack on the rear end if a little kid runs out into the street or something? I’m not going to say that. What do I know? I don’t have kids. Never will. But … you go on-line, dial up any newsgroup that’s into spanking. You understand what I’m saying, right? Spanking as erotic. You’ll see adults looking for other adults, fair enough. But you’ll also see people who talk about ‘disciplining’ kids. How come they go to a sex board if it’s about parenting? Think about it for a second. They’re nothing but child molesters. And they get a pass from the law—it’s not illegal to spank your own kid, even if you’re doing it only to get your rocks off.”

“You have so much hate.”

“You think so? You don’t have any idea.”

“Did someone … when you were a …?”

“Lots of people,” I said. “Lot of places. Lots of times.”

The tears running down her face ate through the heavy makeup, the girl-child vanishing, a woman taking her place.

“It will take a long time,” she said that evening, looking at me through the mirror before her to where I was lying on the bed.

“What will?”

“For me to get dressed.”

“Sure. What difference does it—?”

“Do you want to watch me?”

“Watch you get dressed?”

“Yes.”

“I—”

“That is where the secrets are,” she said. “When a woman undresses, men think she is revealed. But it is as a woman dresses herself that the truth of her is shown.”

“And you don’t want me to—”

“I do want you to. I have been … unfair.”

“Gem, I told you, it isn’t your—”

“Not about the … outfit. I mean … when you … retained me, you knew … what about me?”

“That you were fluent in Russian. That people who my people trusted vouched for you.”

“And …?” she asked, covering her face and neck with cold cream.

“That’s all,” I told her, truthfully.

“The woman you call Mother—”

“Mama.”

“Is that not the same—”

“No,” I said, crimping that wire before it sparked.

“She is well known. To the people from whom I get my … assignments. Very respected.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yes. And … I made some inquiries. You understand, it is good to know the people with whom you work,” she said. I didn’t say anything, not sure if she was insulting my own professionalism for not getting more info on her, or rolling out the carpet to a door she was about to open. I shifted my posture to tell her I heard what she said … and was waiting for the rest of it.

She started to remove the cream. Gently, patting it off with a washcloth. “There are many … rumors about you, Burke.”

“Sure.”

“They cannot all be false.”

“Is that some mathematical certainty? Some law of nature?”

“In a way, it is,” she said, seriously. “Some rumors must have a factual basis, if they are to stay alive long enough.”

“Or they have enough people continuing to come forward and say, ‘Yeah, I was abducted by aliens, too.’ ”

“You may have your jokes,” she said, calmly, doing something around her eyes with a makeup pencil.

“I’m not making fun of you. Just of people who take rumors to the bank.”

“You have been in prison.”

“That’s no secret.”

“Some say you have killed,” she said, no emotion in her voice, all her focus on the dark-red lipstick she was carefully applying.

“See? There’s the difference between facts and rumors.”

“And some say you are insane.”

“I’m sure.”

“A very selective insanity,” she said, eyes very wide in the mirror, working on her lashes. “It is said that when children are hurt you go blind with rage.”

“Is that right? Who says that?”

“Some of the same people who say you have killed.”

“Naturally.”

“No,” she said. “Many say you have killed. Some say you kill for money, a professional. Different people speak of your rage. A professional has no rage.”

“You’d know that,” I said, flat-voiced.