Edward Lee - Header 2

“Argi,” Paulie croaked, “I don’t think he’s lyin’.”

Argi shook his head. “Ain’t seen none of the seventeen signs, boss.”

“Helton, are you on the level about this?”

“Yer dang straight I am! We’re decent backwoods folks who mind our own business! We don’t do nothin’ ta no one less’n they deserve it!”

Paulie seemed flabbergasted. “Well how do you like that shit? Marshie never told me it was her father who started it all. She told me he was an innocent victim…”

“Ain’t anothin’ inner-cint ’bout Thibald Caudill! Lower than snake- shit, he was! The evilest man ta ever come out’a these parts, and he got what he deserved!”

Paulie began opening and closing his fists, clearly in a high mode of agitation. “Why that lyin’ bitch. She only told me half the story, and here we are tearin’ the shit out of each other just so she can have a laugh. Man, that pisses me off!”

“It’s fucked up, boss,” Argi said. “And it looks like all this—”

“—is our fault!” Paulie cracked. “If she’d told me the fuckin’ truth in the first place, then there’s no way I’d have pulled a vendetta on you guys! It’d be a violation of the code!” Paulie stormed tight circles in the lot. “Fuck! I hate it when chicks fuck with me like that!” He looked at Helton. “Shit, man. I don’t know what to say.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

Helton’s bushy brow cocked up. “You’se… apollergizin’? ”

“Well, yeah,” the don admitted. “I fucked up ’cos I believed my fuckin’ wife.” He ground his teeth. “Argi, what’s wrong with me? I do it every time, don’t I? Marshie’s my third fuckin’ wife and she’s pullin’ the same shit the first two did. Paulie the Puppet. They lie like fuckin’ rugs but I believe ’em every time. Just show me a great set of legs and a great set of tits and a pretty face, and they get me wrapped right around their fuckin’ fingers. Paulie see, Paulie do.”

Helton chuckled. “Well all men git hoodwinked by purdy gals on occasion. See, it’s a gal’s nature  lie to their fellas’n make ’em look like a horse’s bee-hind.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Paulie’s gaze drifted back to Helton. “Well, Helton. It’s your call. If you want to keep this fight up and try to get your revenge, I gotta admit, you got the right to.”

Helton reflected. “Aw, yeah, we could do that, and I don’t mind tellin’ ya you’d more’n likely git’cher asses wored out, but…seein’ how you’se just apollergized …I’m perfectly fine in considerin’ this whole awful thing as nothin’ but a great big misunderstandin’.”

“Well shit, Paw,” Dumar barked. “This man deserves to die bad on account’a what he done ta my fine li’l son Crory!”

“I understand what’cher sayin’, Dumar,” Helton replied, “but you’n me both know that Crory weren’t really a fine li’l son. The kid was born with glue on his fingers. Bet a day didn’t go by when he didn’t steal somethin’. A kid with a touch’a the thief runnin’ that deep in his blood? His death might easily have been a case of somethin’ goin’ around and then comin’ around…”

Dumar chewed his lip. “Well, I never thunk of it that way so’s…maybe you’re right,” but then hatred flared back in his eyes. “But what about my poor wife! These boys dug up her corpse, fucked it, then pumped her belly up with shit! My lovin’, faithful Mary Beth!”

Helton winced a bit, “Son, that may be true that they fucked her dead body’n filled her with shit, but…”

“But what, Paw!”

Helton sighed. “I never told ya ’cos I didn’t think it needed tellin’, but shit, boy, there weren’t nothin’ lovin’ and faithful ’bout Mary Beth. Since the day you was married, I started hearin’ stories ’bout her fuckin’ and suckin’ fellas fer hooch or cash”—he pointed his omnipotent finger—“and you cain’t tell me you didn’t hear some’a them stories your own self.”

Dumar stalled, then admitted, “Well, yeah, Paw, I did. But I were so up’n in love with her, I didn’t believe ’em.”

“Hey, I hear ya, kid,” Paulie said and then he and Argi laughed. “Fuckin’ wives, huh? They’re all a pack of liars.”

“Guys need to think more with the heads on their shoulders than the heads in their pants,” Argi offered.

Helton continued, “And there was one time, son, when Mary Beth wanted to suck my dick if’n I give her extra ‘shine—”

Dumar glared. “Did you let her?”

WHAP!

Helton’s huge hand smacked Dumar across the head so hard he almost flipped in the air.

“Oooow! Gawd dang, Paw!”

“A’course I didn’t let her, ya blammed a-hole! What kind’a hill trash ya think I am? Ya think I’d take a blowjob from my own son’s wife? ”

Dumar dragged himself up. “Shit, Paw, I’se sorry. I’se just kind’a all twisted up now. I’se confused. ”

“It’s a confusin’ world we’se all livin’ in, son. It’s what they’se call the conver-loo-shuns of human nature. We’se got ta be careful how we reckon it. And gittin’ back ta Mary Beth…shit, I hate ta speak ill’a the dead, but yer wife was a alky tramp and lazier than Charlie Fuchson’s egg-suck dog. She weren’t a good wife. Wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it turned out that that li’l thief Crory come from some other fella’s load.”

Dumar looked sheepish. “Gotta admit, Paw, that thought crossed my mind many’a time. Shit, Crory didn’t look a bit like me.”

Paulie stepped up. “Hey, don’t feel bad, kid. When you guys dug my baby up the other night, sure, I was pissed, but deep down I always had to wonder. Yeah, Marshie said it was mine but I had my doubts. A liar is a liar, you know? Plus, the kid was a girl, and I’m Italian. I need a male heir. And as for ‘Becca? Fuck. You guys did me a favor by snuffin’ her. A greedy, whiny, ungrateful bitch, just like her mother.” Paulie’s eyes suddenly lit up. “But now I don’t have to pay for her fuckin’ college!”

He and Argi high-fived.

“Feels good ta clear the air, huh, Paulie?” Helton posed.

“It sure does, Helton.”

“And since we’se on that road, I feel a right low down now ’bout, well, fuckin’ yer maw in the head.”

Paulie guffawed. “You wanna know the truth, Helton? I hated my mother. She treated me like shit for my whole childhood, and milked my father for all he was worth, and then wound up fuckin’ nagging him till he croaked from a heart attack over a plate of linguini. I ought to pay you guys for punchin’ her ticket.”

Helton stroked his massive beard. “Well now that ya mention it, you did my maw a favor as well. Horrible as it was the way she die, shit, Paulie, she was dang tired of livin’. That nursin’ home? She couldn’t stand it. Took all her dig-ner-tee away. Peein’ in bags, shittin’ in pans, gettin’ pushed ’round in a blammed wheelchair. Couldn’t abide the fact that they was keepin’ her alive just ta collect them damn medicaid payments. She felt it were a violation’a nature fer the state ta keep her livin’ like that against her will. But then you fellas come along and send her straight to the Pearly Gates, so’s you was actually doin’ her a service. ”

All four men looked at each other and laughed.

“Well, shit,” Helton boomed, “I guess we’se all friends now, huh?”