Edward Lee - The Backwoods

But something was bothering her—not her sudden recollection of the Squatters’ superstitious totems but . . . something else. Something seemed to nag at her. . . .

A moment later she sensed more than saw a presence behind her.

More of Father Darren’s words resounded around them: “ ‘So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.’”

Patricia had a hard time paying attention. She’d never been particularly religious; to her funerals as well as weddings were just fancy words in a ceremonial show. It was the figure behind her that distracted her.

She finally stole a glance to her rear, then, and saw Ernie standing solemn-faced, hands clasped in front. Seeing him in a suit seemed jarring, but with him dressed as he was, and with his long hair pulled back, Patricia had to admit that he looked . . .

Really good . . .

She smiled briefly, then turned back around. Yeah, he looks really good, all right. . . . The delayed reaction smacked her consciousness like a slap, an edgy sense of shame. There I go again—my God. I’m standing here at the funeral of my sister’s husband and I’m checking out the handyman’s bod. That bizarre sexual flux she’d noticed since she arrived had never felt more apparent. Then she yelled at herself. Jesus, Patricia! What is wrong with you? You’re lusting after other men at a friggin’ funeral while your loving and very faithful husband is sitting back at your home paying the bills!

She chewed her lower lip, hoping the tingling in her nipples would pass. . . .

“‘We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain that we can carry nothing out,’” Father Darren continued, this time quoting the Book of Job. “‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.’”

The minister’s hands were outspread before them all, his sedate smile exuberant. He held up the urn. “Blessed Lord, we sing praise and thanks to your name! And we beg you to commend the eternal soul of our brother Dwayne unto the kingdom of Heaven—all unworthy servants that we are.” Then Father Darren broke from his portable podium and approached Judy. He handed her the urn full of her husband’s ashes.

Ricky and Junior Caudill were twin brothers, Junior being so named due to the fact that he emerged from his mother’s womb six minutes after Ricky. The Caudill name carried some infamy throughout southern Virginia, which perhaps lent credence to some recent scientific research that suggested antisocial, psychosexual, and overall criminal activity were indeed genetically inherent. Both were stocky, fat-faced, sizably bellied, and both had short, dung-colored hair always sticking up as though they’d just climbed out of bed. Ordinarily their everyday apparel consisted of jeans, boots, and dingy T-shirts, but today they’d dressed up in dark suits each a bit too small, yet suits just the same. Even disrespectful fellows such as these needed at least to look respectful on select occasions.

Ricky spit a loogie between his shoes, but he did so very quietly. See? Even a shiftless sociopath knew some facsimile of ceremony. “Gettin’ boring,” he muttered.

Junior watched as a tearful Judy Parker took the urn from Father Darren. He elbowed his brother with a chuckle. “Bet’ cha that urn weighs less than most, huh?”

Ricky didn’t get the joke for a moment, but then he pondered the remark further. “Yeah. Shit, I wonder . . . I wonder how much the ashes of a head weigh?”

Deep thinking for this pair. Ricky scratched his ass as Judy Parker began to toss plumes of ash into the open air.

“You think he wants us to do like he was talkin’ the other day?” Junior asked.

“Hope so. Been a pretty borin’summer. Somethin’ to jazz it up’d be just fine.”

Junior picked his ear. “Oh, yeah, that’d jazz it up, all right.”

Ricky’s eyes scanned the crowd. “Lotta Squatters here. Shit, ain’t that a laugh. Dwayne hated the Squatters.”

“Yeah, but they practically worship Judy. Only reason they got work is ‘cos of her.”

“You really think it was Squatters who kilt Dwayne? That’s the story.”

Junior’s chubby face pulled into a smirk of doubt. “Naw. One a’ the construction crew’s what I heard. Dwayne was fuckin’ the dude’s girlfriend, so the dude showed him what trouble really was.”

Now Ricky was squinting. “Check out the trim standin’ in front of Ernie. I swear I seen her before.”

Junior squinted too. “Never seen her before, and I’d remember a rack like that. Fuck. She got a pair a’ milk wagons or what?”

“Oh, now I remember!” Ricky cited with some whispered enthusiasm. “That’s Judy’s sister. She moved to the city a long time ago, married some rich, fat fella. Don’t’cha remember? Patricia’s her name. She was the biggest talk a’ Agan’s Point ’bout twenty-five years ago.”

Junior crudely calculated in his head. “Twenty-five years ago? Shit, I’se pretty sure I was doin’ my last stint in juvie hall.” .

“Yeah, yeah, I remember tellin ’ ya ‘bout it when I come to visit ya.” Ricky’s face turned up in a big pumpkin grin. “She’s the chick who got raped out at Bowen’s Field. Weren’t but fifteen or sixteen. She was skinny-dippin’ by herself one night at the pond and someone hauled her out and put the blocks to her right there in the dirt. Staked her to the fuckin’ ground, too, while he was doin’ her.”

Junior popped a brow. “Shit, brother, don’t’cha be talkin’ like that. You’re gettin’ my willy jumpin’.” Then he shot his brother a suspicious glance. “Bet it was you who raped her and you just ain’t tellin’.”

“Naw, boy, if I’d ever carved me a piece of box that fine, you’d be the first I’d tell.” Ricky rubbed his hands together, still staring at the attractive redhead. “I’d be proud to have a cutie like that screamin’ under me. . . .”

The highly intellectualized discussion faded now, as Judy was finished dispersing her husband’s ashes.

Father Darren, ever smiling, spread his hands to them all and said, “‘I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that he shalt stand at the latter day upon the earth.’ Go in peace, to love and serve the Lord!”

The congregation’s reply strayed across the field: “Amen.”

“It’s about time,” Junior said. “I’m tired a’ standin’ around.”

Ricky’s eyes roamed the crowd as a line formed, townsfolk waiting to convey their condolences to Judy. “Where is he?”

“Here they come. Shit. Sutter’s coming too.”

Sutter and Trey approached the two brothers, neither looking happy. “What’ choo boys doin’ here?” Chief Sutter demanded.

The brothers shrugged. “Just payin’ our last respects to Dwayne,” Junior told him.

“You boys didn’t give a shit about Dwayne,” Trey said, standing right up to them.

Ricky frowned. “We knew Dwayne, all right. Didn’t always get along, but now that he’s dead . . . like my brother said, it’s only right fer us to pay some respect.”

“Bullshit,” the chief said. “You’re about the two biggest lowlifes in all of Agan’s Point—”

“You ain’t got no right to say that!” Junior said back.

"—and neither of ya got any respect for no one. I told you two last time after Harriet Farmer got all that jewelry stole out of her house—I don’t wanna even see either of you nowheres around me. You see me walkin’ down the street, you turn around and walk the other way.”

Ricky glared back. “We didn’t have nothin’ to with that break-in, Chief,” he lied, “and it ain’t proper for you to hassle us just ‘cos you don’t like us.”