Mark Tufo - The End Has Come and Gone

“Michael?” Eliza asked almost sweetly.

“Mike’s not here!” Gary yelled.

I could feel BT’s head turning around. “You kidding me?” he asked Gary.

“I mean, he’s sleeping!” Gary told Eliza.

“Get him!” Eliza said with not a hint of her earlier merriment.

“I’ll see what I can do,” Gary said.

“Don’t they have medication for what ails you Talbots?” BT asked.

“I’m still looking!” Gary yelled in a different direction to make it sound like he had moved.

“One minute, Michael, or the deal is off,” Eliza said furiously.

“I’m here,” I rasped.

“Has the shroud of death settled over you yet? It is a cold cloak, wet with the tears of mourning loved ones and broken dreams,” Eliza asked.

“They don’t make one in his size, bitch!” BT roared. “You should know that by now!”

“Durgan will be ready in ten minutes, will you?” Eliza laughed as her voice trailed behind her descent back down the stairs.

“I don’t like her very much,” BT said.

I would have agreed but I was in the midst of passing out again.

‘Michael, I have stalled as long as I possibly can, you need to get up.’

‘Tomas? Oh no, you’re in my head again.’

‘My sister and Durgan will be on the roof in less than five minutes.’

‘Was this a trick?’

‘Get up!’ Tomas shouted in my head.

Can someone go deaf from shouting WITHIN their head? ‘I’m up!’ I shouted back, but the connection was broken.

“Michael, there are no surprises waiting for us are there?” Eliza asked suspiciously.

“I’m up!” I shouted again, this time vocally. “Sorry,” I said to those around me as I sat up.

“Well, that’s an improvement,” BT said, “Can you do any better than that though? Unless of course Durgan wants to thumb wrestle you to death.”

“Don’t you have some nails you can chew or something?” I asked him. “Help me stand.”

“Michael?” Eliza asked again.

“What?” I said testily. “Oh. No, there are no surprises, our original agreement is in effect.”

“You won’t mind then if I send some of my army in to verify that?” she asked.

“You sound awfully frightened for being the Lord of All You Survey,” I rang out.

Mrs. Deneaux got a good chuckle out of that one. She tipped her cigarette to me.

“Go ahead, send in your smelly minions!” Gary yelled.

“You felt the need to invite them, did you?” Tracy asked him.

“No more than a hundred,” I said to Eliza.

‘Why?’ BT mouthed.

“I’m hoping by having to count them it’ll take longer,” I told him.

“Michael, what trick are you trying to play?” Eliza asked, her dark eyes narrowing.

“No trick, I just want the fighting ring to be as big as possible,” I told her.

“It’s so the little faggot can run away like a screaming little bitch!” Durgan yelled.

“Someone got their ‘roid injection today,” BT said.

“Three hundred, Michael,” Eliza said.

“Fine,” I told her. “Even better,” I said to BT. It would take longer.

After a few minutes of zombies filing in like students into an auditorium, Durgan pushed his way through the throng. Two of them fell on their faces, and he smashed his heel down onto one of the fallen zombie’s temple. The sound was much like that of a large beetle being squished, it was not pleasant.

“That’s going to mess up your count,” I said, taunting him.

“Don’t care, there’s more of them, there’s always more of them.”

I could only agree.

“But me,” he said, pointing to his chest, “there’s only one of me.”

“Thank the God above for that,” BT said.

Again, I could only agree.

“You stay out of this, black man. I came here to kill Talbot.”

“Damn Mike! Durgan has gone all PC on us,” BT said admiringly.

“Must be the anger management classes,” I said, holding on to BT’s side, trying my best to make it look like that wasn’t what I was doing.

“I’m going to make this slow, Talbot,” Durgan said while grinding his fist into his palm.

“The slower the better,” I told him.

“You’re fucking nuts!” he yelled to me, clearly confused at my answer.

“Nucking futs,” I said.

“What is wrong with him?” Durgan asked BT as if he was going to get a valid response.

“Hopped up on bath salts,” BT said.

“What are you talking about?” Durgan asked. These were not the responses he was expecting to receive and it was throwing him off his game.

“Bath salts,” Gary said. “They’re all the rage in Paris, haven’t you ever tried them?”

“Paris is gone you idiots!” Durgan screamed.

“Oh, my poor pet,” Eliza said coming up behind Durgan. “So strong in body, yet not in mind.”

Durgan’s rage subsided as Eliza stroked his face.

“Are you about ready for the void of life?” Eliza asked me impatiently.

“A cigarette?” I asked Eliza. She looked like she was about to respond in the negative.

“Come, Sister,” Tomas said, stepping onto the roof. “We must be cultured, all condemned men are granted their final wish.”

“Wait, then I would like to change my request.”

“A cigarette then,” Eliza said.

Mrs. Deneaux was a good ten feet away. I was positive I couldn’t make it on my own and it wouldn’t look good if BT dragged me over there.

“Mrs. Deneaux, would you do the honors?” BT asked, over-exaggerating with his head a ‘come hither’ motion.

At least she was quick on the uptake, and for once she didn’t have anything snide to say as she came over and (thankfully) placed the cigarette in my mouth and lit it. I barely had enough steam to inhale and luckily none at all to cough.

“This is ridiculous!” Durgan cried. “How long can it take to smoke a cigarette? You have to finish that damn thing eventually and I’m going to make you pay for delaying the inevitable.”

“Worse than death? You twit,” Mrs. Deneaux said.

“I’ll kill you just for fun you old hag,” Durgan said to her, pointing his finger.

Never skipping a beat Deneaux answered. “Worse than you have tried. Give it your best shot.”

“All of a sudden I like you,” I told Mrs. Deneaux as I gingerly crushed the cigarette under foot. If it had offered even the least resistance I would have toppled over.

“Michael, you don’t look well,” Tomas said.

‘Thanks!’ I wanted to yell at him.

“Nothing a case of the deads won’t cure,” Durgan said.

“The deads?” I asked.

“Make the black man move,” Durgan said as he approached steadily, fists clenched by his sides.

Halfway to me and BT had not yet let go. I could feel him fighting within himself to throw me to the side and fight Durgan. It would be an awesome spectacle, just like when I was ten and my friend and I would watch Creature Double Feature on the UHF channel (if you don’t know what UHF is, it’s a dark time in our planet’s history, when we only had about five or six channels to choose from; it was hideous. No 24/7 cartoons, sports or comedy. I shudder to remember the days.) Godzilla versus King Kong, it would have been awesome.