Andrew Kaufman: The Lion, the Lamb, the Hunted: A Psychological Thriller

“Soda water?” I asked after the waitress left.

“Well, as much I love me some Tommy…I can’t. But I’m sure I’ll be needing one about every hour after baby’s born.” Then she grinned.

I fell back in my chair, widened my eyes. “You’re kidding me...”

“Nope.” Bigger grin. “Can you believe it?”

“What… when? ”

“In about seven months. We just found out.”

“Oh, man, CJ… I’m so happy for you. That’s wonderful.”

“Well, it wasn’t planned, I assure you. Guess we had a little too much fun on the honeymoon. But what the hell, right? I mean we’re doing okay financially, and we’re happy. It’ll all work out.”

It sounded like she was asking for my assurance, so I gave it to her. “I know it will.”

“But what about you?”

“What about me?”

She leaned back, crossed her arms, and deadpanned me.

“What?”

“Avoiding?” she reminded.

I looked away and grinned. This was starting to sound familiar. It was us all over again, three years ago. Just for old times sake, I did it again: “Am I?”

She sighed. “Just answer the question, smart guy, will you? How are you doing? And I mean, really doing. Don’t bother giving me the usual stuff you throw at other people, either. Got my B.S. meter turned up to high.”

“I’m okay,” I said. “You know. Not gonna say it’s been easy.”

“You’d be lying if you did...”

“But I’m making progress, I really am.”

She nodded, seemed to drift away, then came back with a serious look on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

She studied me for a moment before speaking, and then, “I need to show you something.”

“Okay…”

She opened her purse, pulled out an envelope, and handed it over while holding my eye contact. I had a hard time reading her expression. Anxious concern…or maybe something else. Inside the envelope, I found a sheet of paper—very old, yellowed by age.

As soon as I saw the first line, I knew who’d written it. I looked up at CJ. “Where did you—?”

She lifted her hand off the table and placed it on top of mine. With a sad smile, she shook her head. “Just read it.”

I did. It was a letter written the day after I was kidnapped.

July 30, 1976

My dearest Nathan,

I’m writing this note, hoping it will someday find its way to you. I honestly don’t know if it ever will, but at this point, hope is all I have. There’s so very little else left in my life. When I lost you, I lost everything.

My dear sweet boy, if you only end up knowing one thing about me, please let it be that I love you with all my heart. You became my world the minute you entered it, and you will be my world until the day I die. I never knew I had so much love to give until you came along.

And that’s why it’s so important to me that you know the truth. I didn’t give you up. I would never, ever do that. You were taken from me, literally ripped from my arms. I told them they’d have to kill me first, and I meant it. I fought like hell. But I was no match for them.

I tried so hard but couldn’t save you. My precious boy, I failed you in the worst possible way, and it’s something I live with every single day. They might as well have ripped the heart right from my chest, and in a way, I guess they did.

They say nothing is more powerful than a mother’s love. So I’m hoping that somehow, in some way, you can feel my love no matter how many miles stand between us. Remember that it’s always here for you, my love, whenever you need it, and it will never fail you.

You probably won’t remember this, but when you were a baby I used to sing to you whenever you cried. No matter how upset you were, it always seemed to bring a smile to your face. You had the most beautiful smile. I bet you still do. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to see that smile once more. How I miss it. Please think of this song whenever you’re troubled and whenever love is missing from your life. May you hear it and let it fill any voids where love is lacking. Because with it comes all the love you’ll ever need. From me.

Through the smiles

Through the frowns

Through life’s ups and downs

Through distance, no resistance

A mother’s love never fades

Never lies

Never dies

I love you, Mom

And she did. The love I’d so desperately been searching for, so desperately needed, had been there all along. I just didn’t know it.

I closed my eyes and felt a tear roll down my cheek, then CJ’s warm hand on mine. She kept it there for a long time but said nothing. I opened my eyes and ran my fingers gently across the words, unable to look up at her. Not yet. It was just too hard.

“She loved you, Patrick,” CJ finally said.

I nodded, still staring at the note, wiping away fresh new tears.

“More than anything, she did.”

I looked up at her, and through a broken voice, I said, “Where did you get this?”

A gentle smile filled with warmth. “Aurora found it going through old records.”

Aurora. My guardian angel.

Something within me healed that day; a question found its answer, an empty space became filled. My world came full circle, and it felt as if my pain had finally found a place to rest—a safe one. I could go on now.

I would go on.

I still make my lists, although not as often as I did—at least, I don’t write danger on bathroom walls anymore. I’m in therapy. We’re making progress. I’ve learned that a relapse is just a relapse, and it isn’t the end of the world. More than anything, though, I’ve found peace and have a better understanding of my obsessive compulsive disorder. It took me a long time just to be able to say those words, to admit that it even applied to me. I’m no longer ashamed of it. I’ve learned that I share my pain with more than three million other people and find great comfort in that.

I know it’ll take time to heal the wounds left by Camilla and Warren. I also know that I’ll eventually need to forgive them. I’m not there yet, but I’m working on it. My Road to Peace is a long one, but I’ll get there. Besides, it can’t be any worse than the road that brought me to this point.

The dreams still come, though not nearly as often as they once did and not nearly as disturbing. The little boy is no longer there. He’s gone. I now know that it was Nathan standing on that bridge. Like wings ripped from an angel, so too was his identity, his innocence. I’d like to think that I’ve set him free, set myself free, that in some way he still lives through me.

The dog and I got off to a rough start but found our happy ending together. I named him Bullet. A single gunshot brought us together, and that single gunshot forever changed our lives for the better. The receptionist gave me the actual round they removed from his shoulder; I carry it in my pocket, a reminder that no matter how bad the circumstances, you can always rise from the ashes. Not that I really needed it: he and I are living, breathing proof.

He’s my best friend, and I love him dearly. Sometimes while we’re napping on the couch, his head tucked comfortably under my arm, he’ll suddenly awaken in the midst of what appears to be a bad dream. When he looks up at me, his fearful, restless gaze gives way to one of those priceless canine expressions that no words could ever communicate. He licks my face, tucks his head back under my arm, then goes quietly off to sleep again, thankful we’re together.

Me too, buddy, me too.

###