Halpern, Justin: Sh*t My Dad Says

A week or so later I finished the book. I was at the end of an all-nighter and strolled into the living room, where my dad was eating breakfast and reading the paper.

“I’m done! I finished the book,” I boasted.

“I cannot believe someone is going to publish something you wrote,” he said.

“I know. Crazy, right?”

“You have never, ever in your life, had anything published. Ever. You’ve never had one goddamned word of yours published anywhere!” he said, still in disbelief. (My dad has never counted my online writings “published”—or publishable.)

“I mean, not one fucking thing! Not a thing! And now YOU, you’re going to have a book in stores and shit?! Jesus H. Christ. Un-fucking-believable. To think—”

“OKAY, I GET IT. I’ve never published anything, I’m the luckiest person on earth. I don’t deserve it. I get it,” I shouted.

“Oh shit, sorry, son, I didn’t mean to bust your balls there. It’s just, well, it’s fucking unbelievable, that’s all.” He paused and offered me a seat on the couch next to him. “Congratulations, I’m proud of you. Have some Grape-Nuts.”

He poured me a bowl and handed me the sports section. It was quiet for a few moments as we ate breakfast and read the paper.

“It’s just, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it,” he said, looking up from his paper again and shaking his head. “I mean, they gave you money to do this. YOU. Amazing.”

One of the best parts of writing this book was sitting down with my brothers, mom, and, of course, my dad, and remembering all these quotes and stories about our family. Without them, I never could have recalled the details that hopefully make this book an enjoyable one for people to read, and that really capture what my dad is like. Dan, Evan, José, Mom, and Dad, thank you.

I think any time you write about your life, you’re never sure if it’s going to be interesting or funny to anyone else, so thankfully I was lucky to have a few friends and colleagues help me along the way. Thanks to Amanda Schweizer, Cory Jones, Robert Chafino, Patrick Schumacker, Lindsay Goldenberg, Brian Warner, Dan Phin, Ryan Walter, George Collins, Andrew Fryer, Katie Deslondes, Kate Hamill, and Byrd Leavell.

I feel so fortunate to have been given the opportunity to write this book. As my dad said when I finished it, “Hopefully people give a fuck. Hopefully for you, not me.”