Irvine Welsh - Filth

I’m not in the mood for this. It’s almost tempting to tell Toal that I knew those dykes would be trouble, but I bite my tongue. – Well, we have a conflict of interest here. As Fed rep . . .

– Don’t even think about representing Gillman! Toal shouts.

– We’ll see, I tell him, standing my ground.

Toal rolls his eyes. – Look Bruce, things are bloody difficult here. We’ve got Arnott on long-term sick, OT cut-backs, and this racism thing. On top of that there’s a bloody jessie-boy in the hat for the inspector’s post!

– Are you referring to Brother Peter Inglis?

– Yes I am Brother Robertson, Toal squeals, unawares that he’s falling into my trap. – Look Bruce, I’m as liberal as the next man on the force, but I understand how cops think. I understand canteen culture. How can we have someone of his disposition, policy or no policy, leading brother officers?

– What do you mean? I ask.

– How many officers could take orders from someone like that? It would be a recipe for disaster. No way. I’m going to have a chat with Inglis, talk him out of applying. And I don’t want any Fed rep or craft-led objections.

I say nothing.

– This is professional concern not personal prejudice, Toal spits as if through an ulcerated mouth, every utterance causing distress, – . . . I won’t pretend that I don’t find the idea of men doing that to each other absolutely disgusting . . . but that’s by the way.

I give Toal a look which I hope says that should be taken as given by all right-minded people and the fact you felt the need to state it indicates to me that you might be a latent puff as well.

He seems to get the drift and coughs nervously, – But I’m far more concerned about the professional implications . . .

– I still don’t see what you’re on about, I tell him.

– Come on Bruce! If he was to get the promo, what would that do for morale? How can you have respect for a . . . I mean, how can you have confidence in a man who’s going to be constantly undressing you with his eyes, masturbating over images of you! It’s going to compromise everyone!

– This is a bit caveman Bob. The force in some parts of the country advertise in the gay press. We’re meant to be hot on non-discrimination with regards to sexual orientation.

– This isnae some parts ay the country! This is Scotland! Toal bangs his fist off the desk, and then looks mildly embarrassed.

I shrug, – He’s a brother officer in the force and the craft.

He shakes his head and composes himself. – Look Bruce, I know that you feel that because he’s up for the same job as you, you don’t want to be seen to be gaining advantage by undermining him. I appreciate your integrity on this issue. But I’m telling you straight: Inglis is last Tuesday’s Daily Record as far as promotion is concerned.

Toal has swallowed the bait, but I still nod sternly. Best let him think I’m far from amused at this. Inglis may be a sad pansy, but I still object to the general principle that Toal tells me anything. Anyway, I take my leave.

I meet up with Gillman in the office and we go to the Rag Doll and shoot some pool. He needs friends in the Fed and the craft. Or to think that he has friends in the Fed and the craft. – Dinnae worry about an internal polis disciplinary. Nae cunt’s gaunny dae nowt. Guaranteed, we tell him.

– Hope no, eh, he shrugs. This cunt acts like he really doesn’t give a fuck. – For a few coons? Problem is ye canny call a fuckin spade a spade, or in ma case a fuckin wog, he says humourlessly.

– No way. Ah cannae mind ay the last fucker that got disciplined seriously on the force as a result of a complaint by a member of the public.

Gillman is a good old boy. I suspect that he knows that the best place for an instinctive man of violence is on the force, with total state back-up for when things get nasty. Most polis are just ordinary guys doing an extraordinary job, which makes it such a pleasure to come across a genuine psychopath like Dougie. I was impressed by the way he took out Inglis. Not the sort of man to let the belligerence of others deter him from his chosen course of action. All it means, of course, is that I have to do him. Gillman will be a worthy scalp. He’s in my sights. And maybe he’s just a wee bit more worried than I thought. – Ah do, he says, – Artie Hutton, for smashin that boy’s heid in in the cells. The boy nearly died. Emergency op saved him.

– But that was drugs, Artie had nae choice, I tell him.

– What, you mean the boy was under narcotic influence and was potentially dangerous? Gillman asks.

– New . . . I mean Artie. He had just come oot ay detox the week before for his coke problem. He had the heebeegeebees big-time and this spastic with a shrill voice started giein it loads aboot getting a fucking lawyer and making a fucking phone call when Artie was just trying to ask a few simple questions.

Gillman smiles, in the cold manner of an assassin. It’s like looking in the mirror. But he’s never a Bruce Robertson and he never will be. He thinks I’m his only friend on the force; me, who wound him up like a clockwork toy and sent him into the coons’ den. Think again my simple friend. – Dinnae worry Dougie, I tell him, – we’ll get this nonsense sorted oot.

When I return, I find Toal back on the blower. He’s on about the lack of progress again, which means that Niddrie’s been on to him and somebody’s kicked Niddrie’s erse. Nowt surer. Not my problem sonny boy! Busy busy busy!

I head for the bogs with the paper to have a wank to Jilly from Bath. Somebody has written in magic marker over the graffitti in our favourite trap, new graffiti. My blood runs cold for a moment:

HALF-MAN

HALF-SPASTIC

ZERO COP

ROBBO COP

THE FUTUE OF LAW ENFORCEMENT MY ARSE

I can’t concentrate on Jilly from Bath now. All I see in my hand is a flaccid, flaky, itchy cock. I scratch and claw at my bollocks. Funny fuckin joke. Ha ha you cunts. I force myself not to think about who could have written this . . . Toal, Lennox, Inglis . . . but he’s no been in the day . . . Gillman . . . Bain . . . they lack the imagination . . . or perhaps a uniformed spastic who knows the contempt I hold those losers in . . . no . . . I force myself not to think of who it could be cause it means that they’ve won if you do that. Sorry, my sweet, sweet friend, Bruce Robertson is made of sterner stuff.

Nice try spasticworks!

Ha. No way, Jilly’s here . . . Jilly from Bath, you fuckin little hoor . . . Lennox spreading rumours . . . no, c’mon Jilly . . . your fuckin paps are gorgeous . . . would you like me to suck and lick them . . . Toal . . . claims to be above all that canteen culture as he calls it. . . . fuck them, c’mon Jilly, Robbo’s the boy to do it for you baby . . . I bet you shave your little cunt . . . if only you’d just slip off these little panties for Robbo . . . the future of law enforcement CHEEKY CUNT GILLMAN, represent him, me ?! but naw, Jilly n me, Jilly n me, nae cunt else just that flesh; flesh she’s put intae newsprint all for Robbo, fuck aw the other spastics who read the Sun , they dinnae understand, this is our wee secret Jilly, our little love letter. . . . likes riding horses . . . I’ll fuckin bet . . . take it baby . . . take all of Bruce . . .

. . . I’m coming . . . I’m spurting mair muck than a Weedgie on amphetamine sulphate and Toal and Lennox and Clelland and Inglis and Lennox won’t stop me now, fucked youse ya bastards, fucked youse . . . Bruce Robertson, INSPECTOR BRUCE ROBERTSON YA JEALOUS INADEQUATE CUNTS!

That was a good one.

After a Christmas canteen dinner which isnae too bad (Ina’s pulled oot the stops, turkey and trimmings), Lennox and I decide to go out and get hammered. We enjoy a few civilised beers at the Lodge, then we’re back at Ray’s, and there’s a blizzard, but it’s inside his flat. The blizzard is one of cocaine. We are feeling weak and the drug is giving us the illusion of strength. We are telling Lennox of the conversation we have had with Toal and know that we are talking too much, yet to stop will leave gaps and into such gaps unwelcome thoughts will intrude. We have no alternative but to keep on. Lennox though, did not do the graffiti. We know that he would not be able to look us in the eye had he been the culprit.