Irvine Welsh - Filth

– I’m on leave in nine days’ time Brother Toal, I tell him.

– Look Bruce, it’s Bruce now, is it – . . . don’t you be bloody difficult . . . Niddrie’s got my nuts in a sling, his voice breaks into a pedantic squeak as if to emphasise what he’s saying. – Give me a break!

– My leave is booked, Brother Toal, I reiterate, putting the phone down.

Ray has the dopey cow making up an inventory. I finger the paperweight in my pocket. He nods to the door and we depart.

As we go the old boot screeches miserably, – It wasn’t as if the paperweight was worth anything. It looks expensive but it’s only a low carat gold. It’s just the sentimental value. Jim brought me it back from Italy after the war. We were as poor as church-mice then.

Ya fuckin dirty fanny-flapped faced auld hoor! A fuss over fuckin nowt!

– We’ll do our best to recover all the goods Mrs Dornan, Ray nods sincerely as I turn away from the decomposing auld bag of fetid garbage soas that she doesn’t catch me snorting in exasperation. Fucking auld spastic.

You can kiss ma bacon-flavoured po-leese ass muthafuckah.

Her problem is that she’s been too long without a good fuckin knobbin. That always distorts a woman’s perspective. Social Services should pay some ay they bored young studs oan the dole a wee allowance tae go roond and gie these auld cunts a good fuckin seein tae. Then they wouldnae be such a drain on resources wi thir phoney illnesses. Every time I go to see my doctor about my rash and my anxiety attacks, there’s always loads of the auld cunts holding me back with their trivial complaints.

In the car I produce the paperweight. – Worth fuck all, totally u.s.

– Tight auld cunt, Ray sneers, taking the wheel, then he shouts at a guy who pulls out in front of us, – Fuckin spastic!

– Cunts on the road these days . . . I muse, still looking at the dotty old boot’s useless paperweight.

– I should follow that cunt . . . get his fuckin number, run a check on him . . . Ray spits, then he suddenly laughs and says: – Fuck his erse. All set for the Dam? You were saying you had booked up.

– Too right I am. Me and my mate Bladesey. You ken Bladesey? Wee cunt fae the craft. Civil Servant. Registrar General for Scotland’s Office. Took pity oan the wee fucker cause he’s no goat any mates.

– I think so. Wee joker wi specs? Really thick lenses?

– That’s the boy.

– I had a good crack wi that cunt once. No a bad wee guy . . . for an English cunt.

– Aye, we’re booked up: now Toalie’s trying to play the fuckin toss-bag. He’s got the shits about this coon that’s been topped. Trying to suspend all leave. Personnel are sticking a note round today.

– Fuckin spastics.

– Me give up ma fuckin holiday for some stiffed nig-nog? Aye, right. I look fuckin sweet right enough. As if I give an Aylesbury. Every fucker kens that I have my three weeks’ summer in Thailand and my winter’s week in the Dam. Tradition. Custom and fuckin practice. Nae pen-pushing cunts are stopping that. No siree, I’ll be fuckin well shaggin for Scotland come the tenth of this month.

I go to put a tape of Deep Purple in Rock into the cassette player, but decide against it because this will precipitate an argument with Lennox over whether Coverdale is a better vocalist than Gillan, which as any spastic knows is a non-argument. I mean, who could compare Coverdale’s Purple or Whitesnake output to the original Deep Purple line-up Gillan graced alongside Blackmore, Lord, Glover and Paice? Only an idiot would try. Additionally, Gillan produced in Glory Road and Future Shock , two classic solo hit albums. What did Coverdale ever do as a solo artist? But I’m not getting into this with Lennox, so I put on Ozzy Osborne’s Ultimate Sin .

Lennox nods thoughtfully as the Oz struts his stuff. – Tell ye what though Robbo, you’ve got a very understanding wife. If Mhari had found out I was off to Amsterdam with a mate . . .

Ray’s bird. She left him anyway. Probably wasn’t giving her enough. Of course, Ray could never give any bird enough. The mouth department and the trouser department are well out of synchronisation in the not-so-superstore that is Ray Lennox, I kid you not.

– It’s a question of values Ray. Give and take. Keeps the spice in a relationship, I tell him.

Ray raises his eyebrows. – I’d watch Toal though Robbo. Just play it gently, he’ll let ye go. This case’ll be wrapped up in ten minutes anyway.

– Ye never know but, eh.

– C’mon Bruce, somebody daft enough to top a silvery in a staircase in the centre ay the toon shouldnae prove too hard tae catch. It’ll be some schemie young bloods pished up on the toon and tooled up . . . Toal’s probably seeing it as some big political thing cause the wog probably had a rich daddy who plays golf with some big noise doon in London. If it was an ordinary punter from Brixton they wouldn’t give a toss. You know how insecure that spastic is.

– Exactly Ray. That spastic’s jealous of my status in the craft . . . and he was trying to butter me up about all my homicide experience. Where did I get most of it though? Over in fuckin Australia, which counts for nothing with these spastics when it comes tae promoted posts. Doesnae count for nowt though, when they want somebody drafted on to one ay their fuckin teams.

– Out of order, Ray nods.

– Here, Ray, I shout, clocking a Crawford’s, – pull up at that baker’s a minute.

I get a couple of bacon rolls and Ray gets another sausage roll, which we scran back and wash doon with hot, slimy, milky coffee. It has the aftertaste of a jakey’s lips after a binge on the old purple tin! I take over at the wheel and we drive down by the Water of Leith and I chuck the auld cow’s paperweight into the river. I’m writhing in the seat as I drive. I have a rash developing on my testies and my arse. Caused by excess sweat and chaffing, the quack said. The cream he gave me seems to be making it worse, if anything. I suppose it’s something that’ll have to get worse before it gets better. Fuckin spastics. How do they expect me to do my job under these circumstances?

I cannae

It’s getting really fucking itchy and I shift my weight on to one buttock and claw at my arse through my shiny black flannels. She’s . . . I need a proper fucking laundry service, that’s what I need. It’s no good. I stick it out until we get to the High Street where I stop the car at Hunter Square and go into the public bogs. This needs a good claw. I whip everything down and remove the dampness from around my arse with toilet paper. Then I scratch like fuck but it stings as the grease from the bacon roll, I realise, is still under my nails. I claw and claw feeling a delicious liberation as the wound tears and pulsates. I see the blood on my fingers. I wedge some toilet paper between the cheeks of my arse in order to stop them from rubbing together and creating the friction which causes the tissue to itch. My balls are not too bad. I go back up without bothering to wash my hands.

– You down the lodge tonight Bruce? Ray asks, as I pull down the Royal Mile. We’ll cruise down to HQ via Leith: kills a wee bit time.

– Nah . . . maybe Thursday, for the pool round robin.

– Quiet night in with the missus?

– Yeah, I say, glowing with pride, – Carole’s making a special meal tonight.

– I wish I had somebody to make me a special meal, Ray says, as we motor down Easter Road past Tinelli’s Restaurant, an old haunt of Carole’s and mine.

– You’re no telling me that you’ve no got something oan the go?

– Nah, since ah split up wi Mhari ah’ve been daein a bit ay sniffin, but thir no bitin, Ray says, looking doleful, as well the cunt might.