Irvine Welsh - Filth

Ah feel the horn comin on. Stephanie Donaldson. Steph-fanny Donaldson. – I, in the meantime, shall go and check oan that wee drug-dealing slut ay a girlfriend ay yours Ocky. Honestly, the company you keep. Mind you, it’ll no be the first time that posh fanny’s dragged a good man down. Huv tae watch whaire ye pit that dick. Thir’s eywis strings, I wink, departing to the bedroom.

When I’m back through, she’s up and dressed and sitting on the bed.

– Well, well little miss, have we had time to think about our position? I ask. Ah’ll show the wee fuck a few positions awright. Startin oaf wi fuckin doggy-style.

– Please don’t tell anyone . . . I don’t want my father to know. He mustn’t know, she’s begging.

– I’ll have to charge you with possession and intent to supply. Of course, as a minor, it’s likely that you won’t receive a custodial sentence, but you will have to appear in court. What school do you go to?

– John Gilzean’s . . . she bleats piteously.

– Well, I’m sure that such a reputable school will take disciplinary action. I will, of course be forced to inform them, and also your parents. Ecstasy is a very dangerous drug.

– Please don’t tell my father . . . please . . . he’s a barrister. It would be terrible for us . . .

Donaldson. Of course! – Your father isn’t Conrad Donaldson, is he? I can feel my spirits lifting and I’m sure that my cock has never been as big in my pants before.

– Yes, she says, her eyes lighting up hopefully.

Oh ya fucker! Mister Fuckin Smug Cunt himself! Bingo! His offspring right here on Bruce Robertson’s plate! A small world, a small city. God bless Edina, Scotia’s darling seat! I clear my throat; lust and the prospect of revenge had furred it over. – Listen doll, I’m going tell him. As of now, I’m going to tell him. Whether or not I actually end up doing so is entirely up to you, but as of now, I am.

– Please . . . I’ll do anything . . . don’t tell him! she squeaks.

– Well, I’ll tell you how it’s going to be. You listening to me? Because I’ll say this once. Okay?

She looks up and nods slowly at me. I can’t see much of Donaldson in her. I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad.

– You suck my cock and we’re square. And you suck it good. Okay?

She’s looking at the floor. Her shoulders are shaking.

– Okay, nae deal. Stephanie Donaldson, you are charged with possession of a controlled substance, with intent to supply. You have the right to . . .

– No! No! Please!

I’m smiling down at the posh wee fucker. – Come on baby. End this nightmare. End it all wi a wee suck, I say softly. – Your wee scumbag boyfriend, dinnae tell me you huvnae done the biz wi him. One cock’s much the same as another. A few minutes ay your sweet wee heid and the nightmare is over. You walk oot ay here. We’re square. See if you dinnae fuckin play ball? The school and Daddy hear all about it.

A mining family. Ha! I come from a lot dirtier, filthier places than doon a fuckin pit, as this wee tart’s aboot tae find oot.

– Alright . . . she says, making the contract. A verbal agreement will do nicely. It might not be worth the paper it’s written on but you cannae very well take a blow-job back once it’s been given.

– Good girl. Fair exchange is no robbery. Why involve the state doll? Why cause all the nasty paperwork? I smile as I unzip. It flies oot like a fuckin jack-in-the-box. – Suck me baby . . . I whisper, – Suck Robbo here real good.

She’s looking at it then looking at me with large pleading eyes, but I’m holding the bag of Es in my other hand. – I’ll be roond that posh school. Suck. I’ll be sure Daddy Conrad Q.C. gets to know the whole story. Suck.

My balls feel scaly and crusty. The skin is flaking off them. My eczema’s getting fuckin bad alright. Too many dirty thoughts. Too many bad places. But not now. What a lovely wee gob on it.

She puts her mouth slowly around the tip of my cock and winces. – That’s it baby, that’s it. Suck me like you suck your boyfriend . . . get that tongue working . . . you’re a beautiful wee lassie, ye ken that? Touch ma baws. Touch ma fuckin baws wi yir hands! I command.

Daddy’s girl

– Grip ma baws . . . harder baby c’mon . . . grip ma fuckin baws harder . . .

She’s gagging and wretching and greeting her eyes oot, but by now I’ve a hold of that golden hair and her head is mine. Daddy’s fuckin girl. Cannibalism, eh ya cunt? Well your wee lassie likes the taste ay that bacon, she fuckin loves that meat awright, loves it right tae the back ay her fuckin throat . . .

– Suck ya wee fuckin hoor or yer auld man’ll ken yir a fuckin drug-dealing wee hing-oot!

Yes yes yes yes

She’s suckin, she’s fuckin well suckin awright . . . the wee angel . . . ahhh . . . ahhhh . . . ahhhhh . . .

– Yeahsss . . . swallay! I’m farting oot loads ay gas, it’s burning my eyes. The power of that Lauriston Place Curry Hoose’s vindaloo!

She’s swallayin rather than spitting. I feel like I’m going to pass out as I pump it into her. There’s a tense pounding at the back of the neck like my head was being lifted off with a shovel, but it’s ebbing, just like my spunk against the back of her throat and down her gullet. She’s choking, but I haud her heid steady until I’m ready, then I withdraw my cock from her miserable torn face, stuff it in my troosers, zip up and leave her to her tears. – That’s us square hen, till the next time. Keep away fae this stuff, I smile, waving the pills at her and pocketing them. – And tell your auld man that Bruce Robertson was asking for him, I wink, brushing a few flakes of dead skin from her shoulders.

I was asking for him, but I got you instead doll.

I go through to the lobby leaving the wee slut to soak up that distinctive curry, Guinness and spunk atmosphere. Ray Lennox is warning Ocky to keep us posted on the movements of yobs like Alex Setterington and Ghostie Gorman. Poor Ocky; it was a bit of large hammer for such a small nut, but it’s the sport that counts and it passes the time of day.

As we prepare to leave, Ray turns back to Ocky, – Ye should leave they pills alaine. I never touch them. Tried them once, but they didnae go wi the job. Made me feel too good aboot everybody. Nae use in my game. The charlie but, that’s another story, he laughs.

Ocky just nods fearfully.

– Ye want tae teach her how tae gie a fuckin decent blow job, I laugh, pointing through to the room and shaking my head in a mixture of laughter and disgust as we depart. Outside the door Ray and I give each other the high five.

Sound cunt Ray Lennox. If every fucker on the force was like him, the job would be so much easier.

It’s the weekend! Early knock-off eftir that and no way am I going back to the HQ to hear Drummond bleating on about two silly wee cows who know that Setterington and Gorman’s mob were there but are trying to divert things by flagging up red herrings. I’m hame and it’s on with my Frank Sidebottom Salutes the Magic of Freddy Mercury and Queen and Kylie Minogue . Kylie Minogue: say what you like about her singing and her acting but she’s a wee doll. Things would be easier if we had birds like that on the force instead of dogs like Drummond. Or even these wee birds that Stacey likes, them that go, Tell us what ye want what ye really really want. The wee yin goes, Which one’s your favourite Dad? Carole just looked over sarcastically and said: Ask a silly question.

I practise Frank’s Mancunian accent for another small while then I give Bladesey a bell to check that he’s still at work, which he is, and he tells me that he’s coming straight out to the pub at nine. Working very late is our Brother Blades. That’s a sure sign that you’re either shagging someone you shouldn’t be, or in Bladesey’s case, not shagging who you should be.