Irvine Welsh - Filth

I chip in and say: – That girl’s not wearing Harmony hairspray. Everybody has a wee laugh at that, well the boys that are auld enough tae mind ay the ad do. Even Dougie Gillman smiles.

The chinky bird raises her voice and says, – I think . . . is it Andy? Clelland nods, – I think Andy made a valid point here. We in policework tend to be conditioned into seeing a conflict-based society due to the nature of our jobs, but in fact race relations in Britain is characterised much more by harmony than anything else.

– It’s the leading brand of hairspray, I tell her. Nobody laughs this time and I’m feeling isolated, like a daft cunt.

At least the hoor seems upset, which is what it’s all about. She looks directly at me and asks, – What does the term racism mean to you . . . she looks at my name tag, – . . . Bruce?

– It doesn’t mean anything to me. I just treat everyone the same.

Bain claps slowly and emphatically, his eyes glazed and his chin jutting out.

– Okay, very laudable, chinky-girl says, – but do you not recognise racism in others?

– Nup. That’s thaire lookout. You take responsibility for your own behaviour, not other people’s, I tell her. I’m chuffed, that was a good point to make, straight from these cunts’ daft interpersonal skills training jargon. I can see that it almost strikes a chord with this Kitchen Sink’s fucked up way of thinking. Then Amanda Drummond jumps in with, – But surely in our professional role as law enforcement officers, we have to accept responsibility for society’s problems. This is implicit, I would have thought.

You are a silly wee cunt. That is ex plicit, I would have thought. No way are you rocking B.R. spastic fanny. The same rules are applying to the fucking maximum here girlie. – I was speaking as an individual. I thought this was what you wanted. No hiding behind professional roles, I think we were told at the pre-course briefing, we were to respond as human beings. Of course as a law enforcement officer I accept that we have these responsibilities.

The dopey dyke looks fazed by this and deflects the question. Standard tactics. She’s acting like a fuckin criminal. Polis? That? Ha! – Good point Bruce, she says patronisingly, – anybody else got anything to add?

– The biggest problem, Gus starts up, – and youse’ll no like me for sayin this, but it has to be said, the biggest problem is that blacks cause the maist crime, then he’s turning to me, – You worked in London for the Met, Robbo. Tell them.

– Well, I can only speak for my time in the Stroud, I say noncommittally. I look over at Ray Lennox. His face is impassive but there’s a tension in his eyes. I’ll bet the cunt’s suffering. Been on that nostril shite again, I’ll wager four to one on.

Chinky-drawers comes in, – What about Stroud Green?

– I think it would be inappropriate to get into the particular problems that one area may or may not have had, I tell her sharply.

– Fine, she says hesitantly. She didnae like that rebuff. But of course, it’s no real problem. If we won’t talk, then these fuckers are never shy about filling in the gaps. So we listen to a dull lecture, marking time until the coffee break, the heat from the radiator almost making us doze off.

Finally, we adjourn for coffee. Shitey wee fuckin biscuits, that’s all they give us with the coffee. I usually get a roll from the canteen or something from the bakers for my piece, but naw, that’s all forgotten about with this disruption for their coon-loving course. They think of no other cunt’s routine but their own. I take a coffee and stand over beside Clell. I deliberately keep away from Gus. A nice cunt, but he’s giving far too much away. Too far into that three score and ten to learn a new script. Careless, and that’s food and drink to these cunts. Lennox has the right idea. He’s too wide though, that fucker.

We’re waiting on our young Mister Lennox. Fuckin sure we are.

Clell, Gillman and I are joined by the wee chinky bird with the toff’s English-Yank accent. It keeps fuckin well changing. Probably been tae posh schools all over the world. I hate those privileged cunts. They think that you’re fuck all, that they can just use you tae clean up their shite, and in fact, most of the time they are spot-on. What they don’t know though, is that you’re always lurking in the shadows. The opportunity to pounce usually never comes along but you’re always lurking, always ready. Just in case.

Chinko’s been giein it loadsay fuckin mooth awright. The particular problems ay the inner city. Aye, right ye fuckin well are doll, you didnae get an accent like that in any fuckin inner city. She’s rabbiting on trying to get us tae open up, standard tactics, but we’re keeping it tight. Clell’s expanding a wee bit, saying what the cunt wants tae hear, but he’s on a wind-up. He’s jousting with me and Gus; it’s just the bastard getting in role. I think the best way tae handle these cunts is just tae keep stumpf. The best cons ken that n aw: just say fuck all. She’s rabbiting on though and I’m nodding at her, looking at her eyes and lips moving and I start tae think of her fanny.

I’d fuckin well gie her one awright. No much in the coupon stakes but a tidy body on it. High marks in curvature of arse. Never mind the mantelpiece when yir pokin the fire; that’s my motto, and it’s stood me in good stead. Same rules.

It’s as if she can read my thoughts, cause she sort of blushes and looks at the clock. – Well, she goes, – we’d better be making a move back.

Ah’ll fuckin well make a move on you in a minute ya cunt . Probably game as fuck n aw.

Lennox is talking to Amanda Drummond. Most likely trying to slip her a length, the dirty fucker. Although with Lennox it wouldnae be much ay a length. Drummond catches me staring at them and looks away. I’d give her one, if only to pass the time of day. Maybe a knee-trembler in the bogs, if I had a bit of time between finishing the crossword and piece brek. Lennox’s index finger rubs the side of his beak. Ice-cool cunt Ray Lennox’s give-away that he’s telling porky pies, that underneath it all he’s a suffering bag of nerves.

Aye Lennox ya cunt, you’ll ken.

So we get back into it. Clell’s playing the nice cunt, Gus is winding them up, and I’m keeping stumpf. It’s hot and I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and shaky. My guts feel sick and heavy. It’s like there’s something in me, I can almost feel it growing, getting stronger. A tumour perhaps, like the one that did in the auld girl. Prone to it, our family. But she was . . . I’m starting to sweat heavily, a panic attack’s coming on.

I’m losing it.

Fuck that.

I’m not like Busby or any of those long-term sick-through-stress saplings that can’t handle the big time. The cunts here’ll never fuckin know, they’ll never fuckin ken cause I’m better than that, better than all of them, stronger than the fuckin lot of those cunts put together.

I excuse myself and go to the bogs. Inside the lavvy I’m shaking and my teeth are hammering together. I sit on the toilet seat. My arse is itching really badly. I want to sterilise those piles: some boiling water, a sharp pain and then that’s it. The bog paper is just that harsh council-issue garbage. Fuckin cunts! How do they expect me . . .

I give my piles a clawing until my eyes water. The pain is something to focus on. My breathing is slowing down and the shaking’s subsiding. I try to have a wank, attempting to picture the chinky bird, then Amanda Drummond, in the buff, but nothing’s coming to me. I should have sneaked out the paper. I don’t know who the shag was on page three, I haven’t seen her before.

When I get back in, I’m still a bit jumpy. All the eyes are on me.