Michelle Styles - The Gladiator's Honor

Slowly she turned back towards him. Valens longed to draw her back into his arms and kiss away the hurt, but he had to be sure she would not reject him again or worse shrink from him.

'Lucius,' Julia whispered. 'I failed to pleasure him in bed. I tried, but my body disgusted him. Then I could never become pregnant. I prayed to the Good Goddess. Offered sacrifice after sacrifice, but my womb never once quickened. Each time I failed, his fists became harder.'

'Oh, Hades,' Valens swore. Why did it have to be her husband? No wonder she was shaking like a leaf. He'd behaved in an unforgivable manner. He'd nearly lost control as it was. Another caress and would he have been able to stop?

He wasn't sure who he hated more—her ex-husband or himself.

'Julia, please believe me. I have no wish to make you do anything you don't want or desire.' He reached down, picked up the blanket and put it around her shoulders. 'I think I had best take you back to your bedroom now.'

Julia watched as he pulled his tunic on and walked over to the window. Her flesh puckered from the cold. She should never have told him. She must disgust him in the same way she disgusted Lucius. But she hated to think of how he must think of her—a woman so devoid of everything that her husband had resorted to beating her.

'I did my best. I wanted to be a good bride and a good wife, the very embodiment of a Roman matron…' she began, but her throat closed, forcing her to stop. How could she explain how much she longed for children and how her failure to become pregnant had resulted in her husband's anger? He had said that others had his children but not his wife, accused her of practising black magic. Awful accusations when her dearest wish was to hold her own baby in her arms.

'I'm sure you were.' His voice sounded remote and she could see his knuckles gleaming white as they gripped the window ledge.

She took a deep shuddering breath and started again. 'At first, when I stood waiting for him, dressed in my saffron cloak and flame-coloured veil, surrounded by the scent of verbena and sweet marjoram from my wreath, I thought this was how marriage was meant to be. Sabina had assured me that all would be well. She and her mother before her had been married in the same fashion. But before the cries of "kiss the bride" faded into the night, I knew my father had done me a grave disservice.'

'How so?'

'Lucius had absolute control over me. He had everything and I had nothing. He took every opportunity to remind me…' Julia faltered, trying to forget what happened by the marriage bed, or in the months that followed. How she made it impossible for Lucius to fulfill his duty, despite everything she tried, from not moving a muscle as Sabina advised, to… She tightened her hold on her waist.

'But I thought your father retained control over you. Couldn't you have just divorced him?'

'My father would not listen. He thought I was being hysterical. Lucius was always polite to him.'

'But not to you.'

'In private? Never. He has a quick temper for those who cross him.' Julia's throat started to close again. She forced her back straighter. 'I disgusted him—too many curves.'

Valens was at her side, gathering her into his arms. He cradled her, stroked her hair, smoothed it away from her face.

'Why did you divorce?' he asked.

'One evening after the baths, I walked in and found him in our bed…with a boy. He beat me and I finally snapped. I could not stay in that house, so I walked out.' Julia pressed her hands together. There was no need to tell Valens the entire sordid story. 'I had had enough of the gilded prison. On this occasion, Sabina was in Ostia, visiting friends, and my father believed me. He wasn't happy about it, but I was able to divorce Lucius with my father's blessing.'

She waited to hear what Valens would say, but he looked at her with an inscrutable expression.

'I'm sorry,' she said, tightening the ends of the blanket around her shoulders and trying to swallow the lump in her throat. 'I'll go now.'

'Julia, I want to make love with you, but not like this.' His voice was strained.

Julia gave a small nod of her head. Perhaps this was for the best. She refused to beg. 'You're being sensible.'

The corners of his eyes crinkled. 'Not sensible, selfish. I want to have the time to show how it should be done properly. I can see the first faint streaks of dawn.'

'Until some other time,' she said, intending to sweep away, intending there would be no next time.

He caught her arm and pulled her close. She felt the hardness of his body and knew, if she stayed one heartbeat longer, she'd lose all her dignity and beg. He put his hand to his mouth, then his finger traced the outline of her lips.

'Until the next time.'

Chapter Eight

Sunlight streamed through Julia's window when she opened her eyes. The pounding in her head echoed the pounding on the door.

'I know you are in there, Julia, wake up!'

Claudia. Julia flopped against her pillow, wondering at the time. How late had she slept? The sun from the window had reached the bottom of her bed. Most days, she dressed before it crept over the window ledge.

She remembered lying awake for ages, going over the time with Valens, detail by detail, wondering, if she hadn't pulled back, whether they would have become lovers. But she must have drifted off.

She turned her head and saw a white rose, lying on her pillow. When had he left that there? Her fingers touched the petals, and she wondered at the meaning of the gift. Cupid gave a white rose to Harpocrates, the god of silence, to keep him from betraying Venus and her love affairs. Did it have to do with passion or was it a request that she keep silent about his life's story? She tapped the rose against her teem.

'Julia!' Claudia cried again. 'Are you coming out or am I coming in? You can tell whatever man you have hidden under your bed to leave by the window.'

Julia pressed her hands to her flushed cheeks. Claudia's joke caused her body to tingle. What would it be like to have Valens in her bedroom and to experience his kisses again?

'Since when do I have a man in my bedroom?' Julia called, struggling to keep her voice light as she hurriedly placed the rose on her dressing table.

The door crashed opened and Claudia swept in, face perfectly made up and a gown of the finest green wool clinging to her every curve.

'I'd have a man in my room if I could,' she said with an impish laugh. 'I'd start with that gladiator of yours. By Hercules, he has broad shoulders. And his legs! Imagine how safe a woman must feel in his arms.'

Julia stood up and concentrated on dressing, wishing she dared wear something as suggestive as Claudia's gown and settling instead for a tawny gown and matching shawl and stola .

'He's hardly my gladiator,' she protested, wondering how many times she would need to deny it.

The lifted eyebrow from Claudia signalled she had waited too long before making her protest. Julia tightened her belt just under her breasts. The last thing she wanted was more gossip, more scandal. The story about the brawl over Bato was starting to die down, but at least three people had questioned her about it at the baths yesterday.

'Please believe me…'

'Julia, I'm teasing you,' Claudia said, laying her hand on Julia's shoulder. 'You are such fun—you take everything seriously.'

Julia shifted under Claudia's gaze. She grabbed a pot of red wine dregs and started applying it to her cheeks with fierce short stabs of the brush.

'I told you what my father said. Even a little joke like that could send him back into the arms and plans of Sabina. He says he has told Mettalius "no". Am I to believe him? Sabina kept on and on at him at dinner. She wants him to agree to the betrothal as soon as possible. She has apparently asked the augur at Juno's temple and he believes the omens are right, but my father wishes to consult Caesar's augur. Mettalius tends to align himself with the older senators, rather than Caesar, so there is a slim chance that the augur might read the signs differently.'