Craig Johnson - A Serpent's Tooth - A Walt Longmire Mystery

“Ahh.”

He looked around. “I’m sorry to be so careful. I sometimes liberate parts from Ellsworth Air Force Base on the other side of Rapid City, and I’m afraid they’ve taken exception to my combing through their salvage yard over the years.”

I fingered a seam. “I bet.”

He noticed my interest. “I’ve used Ace Hardware heavy-duty gutter caulking to stand up to the rigors of interplanetary travel.”

I concurred, sage-like. “A wise precaution.” He seemed to want more, so I added, “My father used to say that extra dollar a tube is always worth it.”

He fussed with his eyebrows yet again. “You see, Adam will return to Earth to take us away within the rapture and convey us to the twelve planets that have been reserved for us.”

“Wow.” I really wasn’t sure of what else to say.

His eyes were drawn back to Henry. “Yes, and when the great battle arises between the races of black and white, he will return and those who are true believers will be taken with him.”

The Bear looked at the elf. “That would be Adam, of Adam and Eve fame?”

“Yes.” He patted Henry’s arm. “You see, the Lamanites are going to help us overcome the Coloreds.”

Henry and I looked at each other. “And have we got a timeline on that?”

He seemed a little disappointed that I’d asked and was giving his eyebrow hell. “It was supposed to be the millennium in 2000; there were a couple chances before that one, but it was the big one. Then in 2003 we were not struck by the planet Nibiru. . . .”

“Right.” I nodded as Vic and Tim joined us.

“December 21st, 2012, didn’t work out either, but I haven’t lost hope.”

Henry nodded in a comforting fashion. “One should always have faith.”

Vic interrupted. “Vann, Tim here was telling me about your wonderful talent, the one with dogs?”

He turned back to me, nodding with a great deal of enthusiasm. “In my free time, I teach dogs how to talk. I use mental telepathy and can get them to say words like hello, squirrel, and hamburger.”

• • •

“He’s a relatively harmless old eccentric who keeps to himself and writes editorials to the newspaper as the One, Mighty and Strong, the Lion of Judah, and the King of Israel. He also calls in on local radio shows a lot.”

Vic pursed her lips. “Hell, I’d tune in for that.”

“You saw how tanned he is?”

We were walking back to Tim’s house on the return route in the alleyway. “Yep, I figured he got it working on the saucers; did he do all the aluminum work, welding, and riveting himself?”

Henry piped up. “And caulking, do not forget the caulking.”

Tim nodded his head and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets. “He did—he’s very popular around the neighborhood; you bring him anything and he can fix it. But did you see his tan?” Berg stopped and turned sideways to look at us. “Well, he wasn’t always so popular around here. About twenty years ago the One, Mighty and Strong back there got a revelation from God saying the true believers were going to be taken to the City of Enoch on the North Star. Supposedly God tells Vann that they need to prepare for the journey by protecting themselves from getting burned on reentry into Earth’s atmosphere, so they should get a good, all-over suntan.”

Vic covered her face with a hand. “Have you ever noticed it’s the people you don’t want to see naked who are always taking their clothes off?”

“Uh-huh.” Tim continued walking, and we followed. “As the story goes, Vann was married at the time to two women, Noemi and Big Wanda, and they had some kids—well, there they all were up on the roof of the house with no clothes on; caused quite a stir.”

“I bet.”

“They started praying up a storm for God to send ’em a flying saucer in the middle of the night, and when that didn’t happen, Vann told ’em that he might’ve missed the landing spot and that they should all go over to the city park and wait for the spaceship.” Tim stopped at his gate and undid the latch. “The old sheriff, Pete Anderson, said things must’ve gotten pretty busy over there ’cause Big Wanda claimed to have had sex with an extraterrestrial, which Vann interpreted as her being resurrected, whereupon he got another revelation that they should pass the resurrecting around by having sex first with one of his wives and then the other. Evidently, it was only when he got divine instructions to have sex with his dog that he started having his doubts.”

Tim went inside as Vic turned to me and the Bear. “You know what I said about all the crazy people being in our county?”

“Yep.”

“I take it all back.”

We followed Tim through the gate—I stopped to make sure the latch was secured.

To my surprise, Kate was sitting under an umbrella at a round table with five glasses and a pitcher of iced tea. She and Tim were in conference as he pulled out a chair and sat.

“. . . Because it’s my job.”

She shook her head as we joined them. “He’s just a harmless old man, and I don’t see why it is that you had to go down there and get him all wound up.”

“We didn’t wind him up; besides, he likes showing off his spaceships.” He glanced at Vic. “Especially to pretty girls. You gotta admit it’s much better than ‘You wanna come up and see my etchings?’”

“Yeah, as lines go.” Vic swirled her ice cubes with her tongue. “What’s a Lamanite?”

The Cheyenne Nation poured himself a glass and handed me the pitcher. “Lamanites are American Indians, sworn enemy to the Nephites, both of which, according to the Book of Mormon, are descendants from the persecuted Jews of Jerusalem who migrated to America in 600 B.C.”

I smiled and poured myself an iced tea. “So, you’re Jewish?”

“Imagine my surprise.” He squeezed a piece of lemon into his tea and continued. “There was a war between the two tribes in 428 A.D. and we, the Lamanites, wiped out the Nephites. Then, about fourteen hundred years later, an angel by the name of Moroni, son of Mormon, a Nephite, reveals himself to Joseph Smith and gives him the golden plates to translate.”

Vic leaned into me. “You know that part about Catholicism being crazy?”

“Yep.”

“I take all that back, too.”

The Bear set his glass on the table with a sense of finality. “And that is how Mormonism began.”

Tim looked suspicious. “How come you know so much about Mormons?”

“I read the Book of Mormon in the truck from Durant to Belle Fourche.”

Berg ran a hand through his beard. “That’s a lot of reading.”

“I am a quick study.”

I interrupted the theological conference. “The visit with Vann Ross was all pretty entertaining, Tim, but I was just wondering why we went up there?”

“Well, I got to thinking about that bunch from north of town, especially when I saw that same scours-yellow truck heading down our street. Hell, Vann Ross’s been around here since, like he said, in the fifties.” He thought about it. “Except, I think there was a stint at a mental hospital in Lincoln, Nebraska. . . .”

Kate’s voice was a little sharp. “Your point?”

“Well, I remember when we had to pick him up for the little fiasco in the park and did the paperwork. Hell, everybody around here called him Vann or Mr. Ross for so long I don’t think anybody knew his last name.”

Her voice grew even sharper. “Which is?”

Tim’s eyes clicked to mine. “Lynear.”

Vic was the first to react. “Oh, crap.”

Tim nodded. “Yup.”

“So he’s related to the individuals you had the run-in with and the one we met in Short Drop?”

“His son is Roy, the one you were telling me about, and Roy’s sons are George over in your county and Ronald in mine.”