Jojo Moyes: Ship of Brides

They were a matter of hours from Plymouth. By the time the women woke, the ship would be preparing to disgorge them into their new lives. Tomorrow, from the earliest pipes, the ship would be a vortex of activity: endless lists crossed and checked, women and men queuing for their trunks, the procedural and ceremonial duties involved in the bringing of a great ship into harbour. He had seen it before, the excitement, the nervous anticipation of the men waiting to disembark. Except this time the war was over. This time they knew their leave was safe, their return permanent.

They would pour off the ship, straight into those tearful embraces, eyes shut tight in gratitude, the pawing excitement of their children. They would walk or drive off in noisy cars to homes that might or might not be as they remembered them. If they were lucky, there would be a sense of a hole filled.

Not everyone would be so lucky. He had seen some relatives turn up even after they had received the dreaded telegram, unable or unwilling to accept that their John or Robert or Michael was never coming home. You could spot them even in the teeming crowds, their eyes fixed on the gangplank, hands tight on handbags or newspapers, hoping to be proved wrong.

And then, on board, there were those like Highfield. Those whose return was not marked by joyous or clamorous thanks, but who made their way inconspicuously through the crowds of jostling, reunited families, perhaps to be met miles away by the muted pleasure of relatives who tolerated them through familial pity. Through duty.

Highfield stared again at the uniform he would wear for the last time tomorrow. Then he pulled out a chair, sat down at his desk and began to write.

Dear Iris,

I have some news for you. I am not coming to Tiverton. Please send Lord Hamworth my apologies and tell him I will be happy to make up any financial disadvantage my decision might cause on his part.

I have decided, upon reflection, that a life on land is probably not for me . . .

Nicol could think of nowhere else to go. Even at a quarter to one at night the mess was a seething mass of noisy men, high on anticipation and extra sippers, pulling their photographs from their lockers and packing them into overstuffed kitbags, exchanging stories about where they would be, what they wanted to do first. If the missus could find someone to mind the kids . . . He had not wanted to sit among them, had not thought himself capable of deflecting their good-natured joshing. He needed to be alone, to digest what had happened to him.

He could still taste her. His body was charged, shot through with painful urgency. Did she hate him? Did she consider him no better than Tims, or any of them? Why had he done that to her, when she had spent weeks, years even, despising men who thought of her only in that way?

He had gone up to the flight deck.

He had not expected to find himself in company.

The captain was standing on the foredeck, in front of the bridge. He was in his shirtsleeves, head bare to the wind. Nicol, emerging on to the deck, halted in the doorway and prepared to retreat but Highfield had spotted him and Nicol realised he would have to acknowledge him.

‘Finished your watch?’

Nicol stepped forwards so that he was standing beside the captain. It was cold out here, the first time he had felt properly cold since they left Australia. ‘Yes, sir. We’re not posted outside the brides’ area tonight.’

‘You were outside Sister Mackenzie’s lot, weren’t you?’

Nicol looked up sharply. But the captain’s look was benign, lost in thought. ‘That’s the one, sir.’ He couldn’t believe that she had been disgusted. Her cool hands had been pulling him in, not pushing him away. Nicol felt almost dizzy with uncertainty. How could I have done it after what Fay has done to me?

The captain’s hands were thrust deep into his pockets. ‘They all all right, are they? I heard two of them were in the sick bay.’

‘All fine, sir.’

‘Good. Good. Where’s Duxbury?’

‘He’s – er – I believe he’s probably taking a nap, sir.’

The captain gave him a sideways look, registered something in Nicol’s face and let out a faint but definite ‘hmph’. ‘You married, Nicol? Not sure I can remember if Dobson told me.’

Nicol paused. He stared at the point where the black sea met the sky and a patch of stars were revealed as the clouds parted, the moon briefly illuminating the endlessly moving landscape. ‘No, sir,’ he said. ‘Not any more.’ He noted the captain’s enquiring look.

‘Don’t become too enamoured of your freedom, Nicol. A lack of responsibility, of ties . . . can be a two-edged sword.’

‘I’m starting to understand that, sir.’

They stood there for some time in companionable silence. Nicol’s thoughts churned like the seas, his skin prickling when he thought of the woman below. What should I have done? he asked himself, over and over. What should I do?

Highfield stepped a little closer to him. He pulled a cigar box from his pocket and offered one to Nicol. ‘Here. Celebration,’ he said. ‘My last night as a captain. My last night after forty-three years in the Navy.’

Nicol took the cigar and allowed the older man to light it, his hand braced against the sea breeze. ‘You’ll miss it. Out here.’

‘No, I won’t.’

Perplexed, Nicol turned to him.

‘I’m going to go straight back out,’ Highfield said. ‘See if I can crew merchant ships, that kind of thing. I’m told there’s plenty of demand. I don’t know, Nicol. These girls have made me think. If they can do it . . .’ He shrugged.

‘You don’t feel . . . like you’ve earned your time on land, sir?’

The captain exhaled. ‘I’m not sure, Nicol, that I’d know how to be on land. Not for any length of time.’

Somewhere beneath their feet, the riveted metal plates that made up Victoria ’s flight deck groaned, signalling some distant tectonic shift. The two men gazed across the repainted surface, the sectioned-off areas where her innards lay exposed to the night sky. Their thoughts drifted to the engine, whose laboured efforts were apparent in the juddering, the broken trails of foam that should have been a continuous, sweeping line in the water. The ship knew. They both felt it.

Captain Highfield drew on his cigar. He was in his shirt, but he didn’t seem to feel the cold. ‘Did you know she served in the Pacific?’

‘ Victoria ?’

‘Your charge. Sister Mackenzie.’

‘Sir.’ What was she doing now? Was she thinking of him? Unconsciously he raised his hand to his face where she had touched it. He had hardly heard what the captain was saying.

‘Brave woman. Brave the lot of them, really. Think about it. This time tomorrow they’ll know which way their future lies . . .’

With that man, the man Nicol wanted to hate, wanted to disparage for the mere fact that he had a claim to her. But the way she had described him – how could he hate the gentle, affectionate soldier? How could he despise a man who had managed, from a sickbed, to be more of a husband than he himself had ever been . . . ?

Nicol’s head felt feverish, despite the chill night air. He thought he might have to leave, to be alone somewhere. Anywhere.

‘Sir, I—’

‘Poor girl. She’s the second one on board, you know.’

His skin was burning. He had a sudden urge to dive into that cool water.

‘Second what, sir?’

‘Widow. Had a telegram yesterday for one of the girls on B Deck. Husband’s plane went down in Suffolk. Training flight, would you believe?’

‘Mrs Mackenzie’s husband was killed?’ Nicol froze. He felt a stab of guilt, as if he had willed this to happen.