James Patterson - Confessions of a Murder Suspect

Matty stormed out of the room. It killed me to see my invincible brother in pain like that. But Dr. Keyes was right: We needed to take this situation in hand. I took slow, deep breaths, remembering one of the many techniques the doctor had taught me.

Dr. Keyes nodded quietly at Matthew’s departure, not allowing it to upset her, and then asked Hugo to tell us what he was feeling.

“Guilty. I should have heard the killer,” said Hugo. “I should have sent up a howl. I should’ve saved them.”

“You’re not a watchdog, Hugo. You’re a young boy,” Dr. Keyes said. “You weren’t responsible, sweetheart. There’s no reason to be upset with yourself. And if you start to feel anger and sadness, well, we know there are ways to deal with those emotions so that they don’t take over our lives.”

Hugo’s face was all red. I know my little brother so well; I could see that he was trying not to show his feelings, but I could feel his agony. He did need our parents, far more than the rest of us did.

I opened my arms and Hugo threw himself against me with such force that my chair tipped back and almost went over. As Hugo settled in next to me, I heard Harry start to sob.

The emotions in the room were out of control. Dr. Keyes pressed her lips tightly together. Then she looked my way.

“Boys, observe your sister. Notice how she’s been handling this tragedy, and take inspiration from her! Tandy knows that anguish and senseless, self-inflicted guilt don’t get us anywhere. They poison us.”

I winced at the unfortunate metaphor.

But Harry nodded and muscled his way into my embrace. “Tandy,” he said through his tears, “you are the best of all of us. You’ve always been the best.”

The best. Had I always been the best? When Malcolm or Maud whispered their plans for me or told me I had done well, I felt pride. Relief. Happiness. But now? I think what I was feeling was… gratitude. Harry’s words felt real to me, so much more than they ever had coming from our parents or Dr. Keyes.

“Dr. Keyes,” I said in a very quiet voice, “are you going to ask me how I feel?”

“Of course, Tandy.” Dr. Keyes gave me an encouraging smile. “Please do tell. That’s how we let it go. You’re so good at that. Show the boys how it’s done.”

I took another deep breath in the manner she’d taught me, but what I said wasn’t what she was expecting.

“I think that I’m very, very sad. And I’m not sure why, but that surprises me. Malcolm and Maud always told me that I didn’t have feelings, and that that was a good thing. Well, I’m feeling great sadness now. I think I’m feeling grief. It’s awful. But…” Tears came into my eyes. “I’m glad that I’m feeling this way. I’m really glad.”

Dr. Keyes looked rather dismayed. “Really, sweetheart?”

“Yes. And I don’t want to let it go. Not yet. I’m just starting to feel it. And it feels… I don’t know. Right, I guess. Maybe even… good.”

“It’s very natural to want to embrace these feelings, Tandy. But you, more than anyone else in this family, know that emotions disrupt our ability to function and focus—”

“Actually, Doctor, I’m focusing just fine. I’m thinking more clearly than I ever have before. And I mean no disrespect, but I think it’s time for you to leave.”

I ushered a stunned Dr. Keyes to the front door and shut it firmly behind her. And only then did I let myself smile, before I turned around and marched back to my brothers.

CONFESSION

You’re probably asking yourself: What did Dr. Keyes mean when she said, “You, more than anyone else in this family , know that emotions disrupt our ability to function and focus”?

After all, isn’t Harry the expert on emotions in this family?

It’s a little more complicated than that.

I’ve mentioned that things didn’t go well in the past when I let myself get out of control. When I followed the rules, things were easy. Malcolm and Maud took care of me. Protected me from any adverse force of nature.

These were the parents who never let us go to kiddie birthday parties, for fear that we’d be corrupted by addiction to Disney products or the artificial coloring in the cake icing. As we got older, boy-girl parties weren’t allowed because, well, our parents were obsessed with protecting us from… distractions.

Especially me. They really believed in me. Don’t tell anyone, but even though Malcolm said Matty could become president of the United States, he told me that I would become president of Angel Pharmaceuticals someday. Which, to him, was a far superior position. He believed in me so much that he planned to someday hand over to me the care of his first—and maybe his most beloved—baby. So they would do anything to protect me.

I found that out the hard way.

About a year ago, I did something forbidden. I went to a party that I wasn’t supposed to attend. I guess I was having one of those days when I just wanted to be… normal. Or maybe I was just inspired by Katherine. I don’t want to talk too much about it right now. I can’t.

For now, let’s just say that night at the party was when it all started. When I went astray. I met someone who changed my life. But it ended up hurting me more than I can explain right now.

Wait a minute, Tandy.

Didn’t you just tell Dr. Keyes that you were feeling pain, and that you were glad you were feeling it, and that you weren’t ready to let it go?

Okay.

You’re right, friend. I need to talk about this a little bit more.

The fact is: I might have been in love.

You find that hard to believe? Sometimes I do, too. But then, grieving with Hugo and Harry… somehow that experience stirred other forbidden feelings, hidden in very deep parts of me.

Sensations I’d never felt until that night at the party.

Like the taste and scent of desire, a vibration so deep inside it convinced my scientific mind that the soul was an actual physical organ in my body.

And the stab of a bleeding heart.

I’m still not ready to remember how it all fits together; it’s just too painful. The point is that when Malcolm and Maud found out what I’d done and how far things had gone, they made certain that person would never be able to come near me, or our family, ever again. Even though his family was… Well, let’s just say they held considerable influence. Emphasis on held .

My parents risked everything to make sure my whole life wouldn’t be ruined by what happened. They helped me to forget it and move on. They made it all go away. Quickly.

Just like it had never even happened.

32

After Dr. Keyes left, we felt a little more comfortable just being… sad. Crying. Hugging. And in the case of Matty, who rejoined us after Dr. Keyes’s departure, raging.

Leave it to Uncle Peter to break up the pity party.

He came down the stairs and paused dramatically on the landing so that he was standing ten feet above us. Apparently, he’d been nosing around in my father’s private records.

With his flannel and fleece and flyaway hair and bare feet, he looked almost warm and fuzzy, and yet I knew he was about as fuzzy as a T. rex.

“I have an important announcement,” Uncle Peter said, as though he were the king of New York and not just the head (in name only) of our household. “Matty, I’ve been going over the private records that your father kept in a special vault at the office. I’ll be turning everything over to the police shortly. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered some rather grave news. The records I found are different from the company’s official records.”