Sara Shepard - 4.5 The First Lie

“Don’t mention it,” I say, waving a hand at her dismissively.

My stomach flips over just thinking about the look on Thayer’s face before he darted off.

“Honestly, you’re the master. The queen of the Lying Game,” Charlotte praises. She sounds more than a little bit awestruck, and that lump rises in the back of my throat again. I choke down a swallow of my drink, the acidic tang of the vodka burning on the way down.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, ladies,” I say, as breezily as I can. “But please—the queen is tired from a hard night’s work. Can we just watch the movie and not talk?”

“Yes! Of course,” Madeline agrees. She scrambles for the Titanic Blu-ray she pulled from her overstocked media shelf and slides it into the DVD player. The machine blinks and whirs as it powers on and clicks into gear.

“Just as long as you don’t expect us to feed you grapes and fan you,” Charlotte grumbles, smiling good-naturedly. She takes another healthy gulp of her drink, sighing contentedly.

“You know you would if I asked you to,” I quip.

I’m acting like my old self, but my heart’s not in it. In fact, I think I left it somewhere back on Nisha’s front lawn, or buried deep in the crags of Sabino Canyon. Even as the movie cues up and Leo’s boyish face fills the enormous screen, I can’t stop thinking about Thayer. The look in his eyes as his expression crumbled. The disgust on his face as he realized he’d been a Lying Game target.

And … that kiss.

More than anything, that kiss.

It was incredible; toe-curling, earth-shattering, monumental. It was like no other kiss I’d experienced in my life. And I’m not exactly a novice when it comes to kissing boys.

Why couldn’t I date a younger guy? What would really be so bad about that? I weigh the idea in my mind, considering all of the angles.

Okay, so maybe my friends would make fun of me. Maybe definitely , fine. But probably not for long, right? They’d tease me in the beginning, of course, but once they got used to the idea, maybe they’d even think it was cool. Who knows—maybe I’d start a trend somehow, setting off a rash of cougars on the prowl in the halls of Hollier.

The thing is, being with Thayer might make me really … happy. And I think I might deserve that. I think my friends would agree.

And after that kiss, maybe I don’t really care what they think. Maybe I just want Thayer.

The opening credits of the movie roll and the imposing orchestral sound track swells, filling the room. Suddenly I can’t sit still for a second longer. It’s like ants are crawling over every exposed surface of my skin. I leap up from the sofa, ignoring the startled looks Charlotte and Madeline shoot my way.

“I, uh, need to use the bathroom,” I mumble, wandering down the hall.

“Do you want us to pause it?” Madeline calls after me, sounding confused.

“No, it’s fine,” I call back. “I know the whole thing by heart.”

I tiptoe past the bathroom and make my way stealthily down the hall. I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing, but almost unconsciously, I find myself at the door to Thayer’s bedroom. A light glows from beneath it, and my heart jumps. I have no idea what I’ll say to him … but I have to say something .

I knock lightly, shifting my weight nervously from one foot to the other. But there’s no answer. I knock again, quickly, and when it’s still silent inside, I cautiously push the door open.

I’m greeted with a gust of fresh air from an open window, but no Thayer. A worn-in navy hoodie lies rumpled across his unmade bed, and I’m tempted to run to it and rub it between my fingers, to breathe it in and slip it on over my tank top. It would be almost like having his arms around me again.

Surveying the room, I realize that Thayer’s computer is still on, casting an eerie glow across his desk. An open IM window blinks beckoningly on the screen.

Heading over , it says.

The message is for my sister.

My blood runs cold. He’s gone to see Laurel ? He’s going to tell her what happened tonight, and she’ll console him … and then what? It’s obvious she’s totally in love with him. And they’re so close. Just because they haven’t been romantic yet doesn’t mean they never will.

I back out of his bedroom and retrace my steps toward the kitchen, taking care not to make any noise. Forget the sleepover. Forget my friends. I have to find Thayer. I have to talk to him, to apologize, to explain, to make him understand....

As quietly as I can manage, I unlock the latch on the back door and slip out into the night. The chirping of crickets and the rush of the wind in the leaves spur me on. Before I can take another step, I hear a voice.

“Sutton.”

My name sounds low and throaty, slightly choked. And I’d recognize the voice blindfolded. I couldn’t forget it if I wanted to. I’ve been thinking about it all night.

It’s Thayer.

At the sight of Thayer standing there, bathed in moonlight, my legs go weak and wobbly. The air is fragrant and thick with the scent of acacia blooms, and a light breeze rustles the cool night air. Somewhere in the distance, a dog howls mournfully.

“Thayer!” I cry. Before I can stop myself, I rush toward him, arms outstretched for an embrace. But as I reach for him, he steps back, his eyes cold and flat. His face is devoid of emotion, which is almost worse than if he looked at me with hatred or disgust.

“I’m sorry,” I insist. “The prank wasn’t my idea. And it isn’t what you think.” It’s cold out here in the wind, and goose bumps break out across my bare arms. I rub my hands over my forearms, trying to warm myself. But I can’t reach that cold pit in the base of my stomach. I blink, feeling my eyes well with emotion.

Thayer’s eyes flicker across my body, making me shiver even harder. His jaw is set and his posture is rigid. “I shouldn’t be surprised, I guess,” he snaps, raising his head and gazing over my shoulder into the distance. “You guys are the Lying Game. I was just the idiot who acted like a sucker.” He laughs once, a short, bitter chuckle. “I can’t believe how gullible I was.”

“Thayer, no,” I plead. “You don’t understand. I didn’t want to prank you, I swear. I was lying to my friends,” I admit, winding a strand of hair around my index finger. “That kiss … that was real for me. Honest.”

“And I’m supposed to believe you now ?”

I bite my lip. “I don’t blame you if you don’t. But … hear me out, okay? I’m the most popular girl at Hollier. I have best friends who think I’m awesome. And compared to how I’m treated at home, it’s kind of an amazing feeling.”

He sniffs. “How are you treated at home?”

“Sort of … second best, I guess. Like I don’t belong there.”

Thayer lowers his chin. “I’ve never seen any evidence of that.”

“Well, real or not, it’s how I feel,” I say. “Maybe it’s just my paranoia about being adopted getting the best of me. But Thayer, it’s why I’m so afraid of losing my friends. That’s all I was worried about, that’s why I didn’t stop the prank and why I didn’t tell the truth when they caught us. I didn’t want them laughing at me. But then I realized how stupid that was. Like, unbelievably stupid. I should get to decide who I like.” I swallow hard, then raise my eyes to his. “And I like you.”

There. I said it. There’s no going back now. But I’m still too terrified to really look at Thayer. “You don’t have to forgive me or like me back. I understand if you want someone who’s always been good to you, like Laurel. But I thought I’d let you know how I really felt. You asked me if I’ve ever been honest a day in my life, and with you, I do feel honest. And I’m telling you something honest now.”