Sallinger, Elene - Reflection (The Chrysalis Series)

‘I can’t be with you when you don’t trust me enough to truly let me in.’

‘I trust you, Connor.’ Her voice was shrill, but she was beginning to panic.

‘No, baby. You don’t.’ He stood and walked over to her window. His voice was quiet, but each word rang out as if he were shouting. ‘You’ve done nothing but keep me at a distance. You aren’t even trying to work through your issue with sex and you hid what was going on with Whittier from me.’

‘I have a right to my privacy!’ She hollered the words without thinking.

He turned slowly to face her and the look in his face sent her heart plummeting.

‘Yes, you do. You even have a right not to want to do anything in bed you don’t want to do.’

He leaned against the window sill and crossed his arms over his chest. He was gorgeous and sexy and so angry he almost vibrated from it.

‘That’s why I came to your office. To apologise for pushing you and to tell you that I love you.’

The room tilted wildly as his words registered. He loved her! Joy seared through her at the idea that she’d gotten this all wrong. He loved her. She opened her mouth to tell him how much she loved him too, only to go slack-jawed as the rest of his words finally sank in.

‘But I realised something last night. You haven’t even tried to meet me in the middle. You want me to come to you, to invest in you, but you haven’t once reciprocated. You didn’t tell me about Whittier. Not because you were worried about what I’d do – even though that’s what you want to believe. You didn’t tell me so you could retain that control. The same way you won’t even consider what I’m asking for in bed. It’s just so you can feel in control.’

‘Can you blame me?’ she conceded, but it felt like the air in her lungs had turned to cement.

He snorted and shook his head, ‘No, Bridget. I can’t blame you. God only knows how it must be to have been raped and to deal with what you’ve dealt with as a result. But I also know that I want more than what you’re offering me.’

He stepped over to the bed and took her hand, bringing up to his lips and kissing it gently.

‘I want it all, baby. I want my woman to trust me enough to take the same risk on me that I’m taking on her. I want us to explore everything that sex can offer us together and, more than anything, I want to know that my woman trusts me not just to protect her, but to know when she needs to protect herself.’

He leaned over and kissed her forehead. Bridget clutched at his shirt, but he stepped away and walked to the door.

‘Connor!’ She lurched across the bed, only to get tangled in the sheets and fall.

‘I do love you, Bridget. But I want more. Take care of yourself.’

‘Connor, stop!’ she hollered out, but the only response she got was the sound of the door closing behind him.

‘I should throw this in your face.’

Connor flinched at the censure in Mona’s voice and quickly took his coffee from her lest she choose to act on her impulse.

‘Mona. Listen –’

‘No.’ She held up a hand to cut him off, then pointed in the direction of an empty table. ‘Sit over there. I’ve got words for you and you’re going to hear me out.’

His stomach twisted. He’d been avoiding the café all week for exactly this reason, but this morning he’d decided he was acting like a baby and had stopped in for the coffee he’d grown addicted to.

It wasn’t that he could argue with Mona. He was miserable. He missed Bridget so bad he could barely think straight. He found himself reaching for the phone to share something with her all the time. He couldn’t even sleep through the night because he missed the feel of her pressed against him, hogging the covers.

Connor set his coffee on the table and waited. The café was bustling as usual. Couples and groups were busy living their lives, communing with each other.

He yearned for that connection in a way he’d never done before. Now he’d had it, it was like going through withdrawal to be without it. He’d second guessed his decision countless times but he just couldn’t get beyond Bridget’s clear refusal to invest in the relationship the same way he had. He didn’t want things so far out of balance. He’d rather be alone than end up resenting the woman he loved.

Well, he’d gotten his wish there. Even Lotus was mad at him. The two dogs had bonded quickly and it had broken his heart when he’d noticed her sleeping with a chew toy of Daisy’s that had been left behind. He hadn’t had the heart to take it from her, even though the sight of it cut deep.

He’d removed all traces of Bridget from his house, packing the few items she’d left into a bag and leaving it in her office at the university. He just couldn’t bear to have anything of hers near him. It angered and hurt him too much.

‘Come with me.’ Mona’s voice startled him out of his ruminations and he sloshed his coffee. A glance at her face showed no sympathy. ‘Leave it, Nadia can clean the table.’

With a resigned sigh, Connor picked up his mug and went to face the Inquisition.

She didn’t even wait until he’d closed the door to her office to round on him.

‘What the hell is wrong with you? What are you thinking?’ she hollered, only to hold up a hand to stop him when he began to answer. ‘Don’t bother. You clearly aren’t thinking.’

Pacing, she continued her tirade.

‘Do you have any idea what you’ve done? Bridget is miserable. All she does is sit and stare. I can’t even get her to come into the shop because this is “where it all began”.’ She made air quotes. ‘You broke her heart and I want to know why. Couldn’t you see she loves you? She did things for you she wouldn’t do for anyone else. Are you really that much of a dick?’

Each word was like a dagger in his chest. She was vocalising every doubt he’d had. He hated the idea of Bridget unhappy, but what was he supposed to do?

Plopping herself down into her chair, she narrowed her eyes and hissed, ‘What do you have to say for yourself?’ She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

Connor, who’d sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk as she’d railed at him, took a long draw on his coffee, letting its heat sting as it flowed into his gut. The pain was very focusing.

‘Mona.’ He met her accusing brown eyes directly. ‘I love her. Deeply.’

From the way her eyebrows damn near joined her hairline, she clearly hadn’t been expecting that and this time it was he who held up a hand to stave off a reply.

‘But me loving her isn’t enough if she isn’t willing to put anything on the line. And, as much as you might not want to hear this, she hasn’t.’ Sitting back, he crossed his own arms over his chest. ‘Did you know about the dean?’

She blanched but nodded.

‘Yeah, well, I didn’t find out until I came across him trying to force her to fuck him.’ He gritted his teeth over how much that still stung. ‘Don’t even get me started on all the other ways she made clear to me she’d only do what was easy for her to do.’

He blew out a frustrated breath.

‘I opened myself up to her. I put all my baggage on the table for her. But I can’t be with someone who isn’t willing to share the ugly with me too. Bridget wants to put our relationship into a neat, controllable box. Well, once you cage something it’s only a matter of time before it dies.’

He took another fortifying gulp of his coffee.

‘I spent a lot of time thinking about this and, as much as I might want it to be different, it’s Bridget’s prerogative to not share or invest. But, it’s also mine to want more. If we aren’t on the same page, we’ll only hurt each other. I decided to end things before we got to that point. But if you think I’m not miserable, you’re wrong.’