Alan Bradley - The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie

Hold on, Flave, that last bit seemed a little far-fetched: Horace Bonepenny was more than six feet tall and could have strangled me between his thumb and forefinger. No, we had struggled and he had died—a dicky heart perhaps, the result of some long-forgotten childhood illness. Rheumatic fever, let's say. Yes, that was it. Delayed congestive heart failure, like Beth in Little Women . I sent up a silent prayer to Saint Tancred to work a miracle: Please, dear Saint Tancred, let Bonepenny's autopsy confirm my fib.

" I killed Horace Bonepenny,” I repeated, as if saying it twice would make it seem more credible.

Inspector Hewitt drew in a deep breath and let it out through his nose. “Tell me about it,” he said.

"I heard a noise in the night, I went out into the garden, someone jumped out at me from the shadows—"

"Hold on," he said, "what part of the shadows?"

"The shadows behind the potting shed. I was struggling to get free when there was a sudden gurgle in his throat, almost as if he had suffered congestive heart failure due to a bout of rheumatic fever he suffered as a child—or something like that."

"I see," Inspector Hewitt said. "And what did you do then?"

"I went back into the house and fetched Dogger. The rest, I believe, you know."

But wait—I knew that Dogger had not told him about our joint eavesdropping on Father's quarrel with Horace Bonepenny; still, it was unlikely that Dogger would tell the Inspector I had awakened him at four in the morning without mentioning the fact that I had killed the man. Or was it?

I needed time to think this through.

"Struggling with an attacker is hardly murder," the Inspector said.

"No," I said, "but I haven't told you everything."

I riffled at lightning speed through my mental index cards: poisons unknown to science (too slow); fatal hypnotism (ditto); the secret and forbidden blows of jujitsu (unlikely; too obscure to explain). Suddenly, it began to dawn on me that martyrdom required real inventive genius—a glib tongue was not enough.

"I'm ashamed to," I added.

When in doubt, I thought, fall back on feelings. I was proud of myself for having thought of this.

"Hmm," the Inspector said. "Let's leave it for now. Did you tell Dogger you had killed this prowler?"

"No, I don't believe I did. I was too upset by it all, you see."

"Did you tell him later?"

"No, I didn't think his nerves were up to it."

"Well, this is all very interesting," Inspector Hewitt said, "but the details seem a bit sparse."

I knew that I was standing at the edge of a precipice: one step more and there would be no turning back.

"There's more," I said, "but—"

"But?"

"I'm not saying another word until you let me speak to Father."

Inspector Hewitt seemed to be trying to swallow something that wouldn't go down. He opened his mouth as if some obstruction had suddenly materialized in his throat, then closed it again. He gulped, and then did something that I had to admire, something I made a mental note to add to my own bag of tricks: He grabbed for his pocket handkerchief and transformed his astonishment into a sneeze.

"Privately," I added.

The Inspector blew his nose loudly and went back to the window, where he stood gazing out at nothing in particular, his hands again behind his back. I was beginning to learn that this meant he was thinking deeply.

"All right," he said abruptly. "Come along."

I jumped up eagerly from my chair and followed him. At the door he barred the way into the corridor with one arm and turned, his other hand floating down as gently as a feather onto my shoulder.

"I'm about to do something which I may have grave cause to regret," he said. "I'm risking my career. Don't let me down, Flavia. please don't let me down."

"FLAVIA!" Father said. I could tell he was amazed to see me there. And then he spoiled it by adding, "Take this child away, Inspector. I beg of you, remove her."

He turned away from me and faced towards the wall.

Although the door of the room had been painted over with yellowish cream enamel, it was obvious that it was clad with steel. When the Inspector had unlocked it, I had seen that the chamber itself was little more than a small office with a fold-down cot and a surprisingly clean sink. Mercifully they had not put Father into one of the barred cages I'd glimpsed earlier.

Inspector Hewitt gave me a curt nod, as if to say, “It's up to you,” then stepped outside and closed the door as quietly as possible. There was no sound of a key turning in the lock, or of a bolt shooting home, although a bright flash outside and the sudden crash of thunder might well have masked the sound.

Father must have thought that I'd gone out with the Inspector, because he gave a nervous start as he turned round and saw that I was still there.

"Go home, Flavia," he said.

Although he stood stiffly and perfectly erect, his voice was old and tired. I could see that he was trying to play the stolid English gentleman, fearless in the face of danger, and I realized with a pang that I loved him and hated him for it at the same time.

"It's raining," I said, pointing to the window. The clouds had torn themselves apart as they had done earlier at the Folly, and the rain was falling heavily once again, the fat drops clearly audible as they bounced like shot from the ledge outside the window. In a tree across the road, a solitary rook shook itself out like a wet umbrella.

"I can't go home until it stops. And someone's pinched Gladys."

"Gladys?" he said, his eyes like those of an extinct sea creature swimming up from unknown depths.

"My bicycle," I told him.

He nodded absently, and I knew he hadn't heard me.

"Who brought you here?" Father asked. "Him?" He jerked his thumb towards the door to indicate Inspector Hewitt.

"I came by myself."

"By yourself? From Buckshaw?"

"Yes," I said.

This seemed to be more than he could grasp, and he turned back to the window. I couldn't help noticing that he took up the same stance as Inspector Hewitt, with his hands clasped behind his back.

"By yourself. From Buckshaw," he said at last, as if he had just worked it out.

"Yes."

"And Daphne and Ophelia?"

"They are both well," I assured him. "Missing you terribly, of course, but they're looking after things until you come home."

If I tell a lie, my mother will die .

That was what the little girls sometimes chanted as they skipped rope in the churchyard. Well, my mother was already dead, wasn't she, so what harm could it possibly do? And who knows? Because of it, I might even have a credit in Heaven.

"Come home?" Father said at last, as something like a sigh escaped him. "That might not be for some time. No. that might not be for quite some time."

On the wall, beside a barred window, was pasted up a calendar from a Hinley greengrocer, bearing a picture of King George and Queen Elizabeth, each hermetically sealed in his or her own private bubble, and dressed in a way that made me think the photographer had caught them by chance on their way to a costume ball at the castle of some Bavarian princeling.

Father gave the calendar a furtive glance and began pacing restlessly back and forth in the little room, studiously avoiding my gaze. He seemed to have forgotten I was there, and had now begun making irregular little humming noises punctuated with an occasional indignant sniff as if he were defending himself before an invisible tribunal.

"I confessed just now," I said.

"Yes, yes," Father said, and went on pacing and mumbling to himself.

"I told Inspector Hewitt that I killed Horace Bonepenny.”

Father came to as dead a stop as if he had run onto a sword. He turned and fixed me with that dreaded blue stare which was so often his weapon of choice when dealing with his daughters.