Brian Jacques - Redwall #20 - Eulalia!

With lightning precision, Maudie managed to overcome the lizards, even stopping the few who tried to sneak off. The beaten reptiles cowered on the ground, squeaking and whimpering abjectly. The avenging haremaid stood over them, scowling sternly.

"Up on y'paws now, you slimy crew. Set that barrow upright an' place every thin' back in it neatly. Stir y'stumps!"

The sand lizards tottered about, nursing bruised heads and fractured tails as they did Maudie's bidding.

Bungwen the Hermit was awestruck. "Boi okey, Miz Mouldy, oi never see'd ought loike that afore. You'm surr-pintly a gurt, moighty wurrier, burr aye!"

Maudie winked broadly at the old mole. "Think nothin' of it, old top, glad to be of service, wot! Here, you lizard types, form up in a line now. Quick's the word an' sharp's the action, jump to it, laddies! Now, let's hear you apolo-gisin' to Mister Bungwen."

The reptiles were forced to bow politely as they hissed, "Ssssorry, sssssir!"

Bungwen nodded, grinning from ear to ear, as Maudie stamped up and down behind her vanquished foes, treading heavily on their tails as she cautioned them.

"Sorry? I should jolly well think so, you pan-faced, twiddle-pawed, string-tailed, misbegotten lot! Now be

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gone from here this instant, and just let either of us catch you in these parts again. By the left, we'll make you weep for a full season. Now get out of our sight!"

Bungwen thoroughly enjoyed sending the bullies on their way with good solid kicks to their nether parts. Paw in paw, the mole and the haremaid swaggered back into the cave, with Maudie chuckling, "Well, that certainly worked up my appetite, wot!"

Bungwen watched in amazement as Maudie downed several bowls of the hot stew. "Beggen' you'm pardun, miz, but oi'd be afeared to meet ee if'n you'm bee'd proper 'ungry!"

The haremaid nodded, holding forth her beaker for more cordial. Eating was a serious business with Mad Maudie, leaving her no time for idle chitchat. After taking a brief nap, she gave her host some rudimentary boxing tips, and made him a gift of her sling and pouch of slingstones, which she seldom found use for.

"Well, time for me t'be movin' on, old thing, I should make the woodlands by early evenin'. Goodbye, an' remember, don't take any old lip from those bullies, give 'em the old one-two if they ever show their warty snouts around here again, wot!"

Bungwen Hermit shook Maudie's paw warmly. "Oi'll do jus' that, miz, an' thankee furr yore cump'ny. You'm take gudd care of eeself naow. Hurr, oi'd watch owt furr surrpints on ee scrublands, thurr bee's one or two slith-erin' abowt this season. If'n ee sees a gurt owlyburd, doan't be afeared of 'im, ee's a gudd friend o' moine, name o' Asio Bard wing. May'aps ee's see'd this badgerer you'm lukkin' furr. Goo'bye Miz Mouldy, gudd fortune go with ee!"

Bungwen stood atop his hill, waving and weeping, as the haremaid set off in the late noon sunshine. He blew his snout loudly, and called out to her, "Pay ee no 'eed to moi tears, miz, oi dearly do luvs a gudd ole blubber!"

Maudie felt sad to leave him, but she straightened her shoulders and strode out resolutely for the woodlands. The

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countryside was quiet, save for the usual heathland noises, droning bees, the chirruping of grasshoppers and the high trill of descending skylarks. Keeping a wary eye out for snakes, she sang an old barrack room ballad to herself.

"O Corporal I'm weary, can't ye hear me, when do we stop for tea,

I feel I'm goin' out o' my mind, would you like to come with me!

"Right, left, left, you clod, here comes the awkward squad!

"Pass me a flagon from out o' the wagon, the fat old Sergeant said, the cook says he can't read the cookery book, so he's makin' a broth of his head!

"Right, left, left, you clod, here comes the awkward squad!

"The Quartermaster's goin' faster, he ain't goin' to halt, the Colonel's a nut as we all know, an' I think it's a Major fault!

"Right, left, left, you clod, here comes the awkward squad!"

Maudie chuckled to herself, recalling the season she was put in training. All the recruits were so dim and clumsy that they were named the awkward squad. The treeline was in plain view now, stately beeches, spreading oaks, and shrubby elders were easily discernible. Maybe that was where Bungwen's friend, the owl Asio Bardwing, lived.

There was no discernible sound from behind her, but a sudden instinct caused the haremaid to turn around. She thought she caught a swift flash of shiny green flanks

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topping a mound, but then they vanished from sight. She thought that it could be the sand lizards following her, bent on some sort of revenge for the beating she had meted out to them, but she could not be sure. Maudie reasoned that it would not do any harm to let them know she was ready and able for them. Unshouldering her knapsack, she made an elaborate show of rolling up her tunic sleeves, and spitting on her paws, in a truculent manner. Then she yelled out a challenge.

"Come for another dose, wot? You snotty-snouted sneakers! Well, here's the gel who's jolly well ready for ye, show yourselves if ye bloomin' well dare! You blighters are dealin' with a Long Patrol Boxin' Champion. Did ye know Big Stinky Wothers, eh? Well, he didn't last one round with me. Aye, an' Nutpaw Jarkins, Sides wiper Smythe, an' Fearless Frink Maclurch. I laid them all out, despite the fact that they were proper pugilists! Hah, I could whip the flippin' lot of ye, with one paw tied behind m'back. So come on, who'll be first for a good helpin' o' paw pudden, ye lily-livered layabouts?"

There was no reply from the scrublands.

Maudie shouldered her pack and pressed on, muttering to herself darkly. "Just let 'em try, they don't call me Mad Maudie for no thin, wot! Sand lizards, hah, they'll be slit gizzards by the time I'm finished with 'em!"

She reached the trees whilst it was still daylight. Gathering some firewood, the young haremaid set about lighting a small fire, in the shade of an oak. Rummaging through her pack, she came up with some chestnut flour, dried berries and hazelnuts. Adding water to the flour she kneaded it into a firm, stiff dough. Sprinkling it liberally with nuts and berries, Maudie rolled it out into a long sausage shape. After coiling it around a green stick, she proceeded to cook it over the flames. The result was an appetising, if somewhat curiously shaped, cake which she called a Throppletwist, in honour of her family name.

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Bungwen had tucked a flask of his cordial into her knapsack; it complemented her supper quite nicely.

The haremaid sat with her back against the oak, eating her Throppletwist, which was cooked to the greenstick, and sipping cordial. Maudie was a garrulous creature, and often held conversations with herself.

"Wonder if Corporal Thwurl's nose is still swollen? Big, droopy-faced rule stickler, I should've jolly well given him a cauliflower ear, wot! I'll bet some of the chaps back at barracks would go green if they could see me now. Assistant Cook, sent out on a blinkin' secret important mission, eh. 'Strewth, if I make a bloomin' good go at this, Lord AsheyeTl prob'ly promote me to Colonel Cook in Charge. Hoho, C.C.I.C. I'd liven 'em up a bit, wot?"

Maudie put on what she imagined was a doddery commanding voice, issuing orders to all and sundry. "Hawhawhaw, you there, young feller me laddo, fetch me a bumpkin o' Fine Fettle Olde Cider, there's a good chap. I say, Corporal, wot'syourface, Thwurl, yes, you sah. Kindly slice me a scone, an' bung some raspb'rry jam on it. Don't stand there catchin' flies with y'mouth, jump to it, laddy buck. Ah, this is the jolly old life, wot wot!"

She chuntered on to herself as the evening sun dipped into the western horizon. It was comfortable, sitting by the little fire, taking supper in the warm afterglow. Maudie had been walking all day, apart from the few hours she had spent with Bungwen Hermit. The young haremaid let her eyes slowly droop shut. She was hardly aware of the two sand lizards, each holding the end of a rope. They scampered on either side of her, racing around the oak trunk, which Maudie had her back to. She blinked and sat up straight. "What the bloom ..."