Brian Jacques - Redwall #22 - The Sable Quean

"She's the sergeant major's daughter,

Miss Floosabia Grugsby Lee,

And anybeast who woos her gets a medal for bravery.

Her nose is blue, her eyes are red, she's got a laugh that'd wake the dead, an' I'm the one she's chose to wed.

Floosabia Grugsby Lee, please stay away from me!

Go to your left two three, now to the right two three,

'tis forward on the double, an' get me out of trouble, so I can run away to sea.

Far far away from ...

... Floosabia Grugsby Lee!"

Another voice complained to the singer, "Sure will ye give yore ould gob a rest. That's no song t'be singin' in front o' liddle uns!"

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The singer gave a brusque reply. "One more peep out o' you, marm, an' you'll find your insolent self on a fizzer so fast your paws won't touch the bloomin' floor, wot wot!"

The motherly figure of Mumzy the water vole emerged from the shrubbery, giving as good as she got. "Arrah, go an' fizz yore tail, an' see if'n I care a jot!"

She was leading a long double file of young ones. They were bumbling along holding on to a rope, which kept them in an orderly line. The harebabes, Calla and Urfa, were walking quite well now, holding paws with Jiddle and Jinty Witherspyk. Midda and Tura brought up the rear. Mousebabe Diggla was strutting behind Diggs, who was patrolling the line. Diggla was first to spot Ambrevina standing in the bushes. He raced to her, squeaking, "Ambee! Ambeeeeeeee! It be me, Diggla!"

The badgermaid swept him up with one huge paw. "So it is! Diggla, my little friend, how are you?"

Diggs raised a hazel twig, which he was using as a swagger stick. "Column! Haaa ... alt! Stand easy an' be still now!" Marching briskly over to Buckler, he prodded him with the stick. "Hmm, I remember you, sah. Buckley, isn't it? Well, now, laddie buck, what are ye doin' in this neck o' the woods, eh, wot wot?"

Aware of Diggs's unfortunate identity crisis, Buckler came to attention, throwing up a smart salute. "Leadin' a patrol to escort you all back to Redwall Abbey, Colonel Crockley Sputherington, sah!"

Diggs looked thinner and paler than his former self. His head was still swathed in bandages, and his left ear was missing. Tapping his open paw with the cane, he nodded several times.

"Rather tardy of ye, Bucklow, but better late than never, eh? Not flippin' many for an escort. Got any more with ye?"

They trooped into the camp on the muddy streambank, whereupon, catching sight of her babes, Clarinna swept

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both Calla and Urfa off their paws. Kissing and hugging them, she wept and laughed wildly.

Midda, who was being embraced by Jango and Flib, smiled at the sight of the harewife being reunited with her babes. "Well, ain't that a sight for sore eyes!"

Jango patted her back. "No more than you are, darlin'!"

With the babes still clinging to her, Clarinna launched herself upon Diggs, knocking him flat. "Oh, my wonderful friend, you kept your promise and restored these two sweet babes to their mother's paws! How can I ever thank you, gallant Subaltern Diggs?"

Her benefactor was horrified. "Restrain your blinkin' self, marm. Remove y'self an' these two little blighters from me before I'm drowned in slobberin' kisses. Unpaw me, I say!"

Extricating himself, Diggs stood up, brushing off his tunic. "Who in the name o' scuts'n'scallywags is this creature Diggs? Mistaken identity, I fear, marm. I'm Colonel Crockley Sputherington, I'll have ye know!"

Not wishing to upset his friend, Buckler played along. "Attention, everybeast. Allow me to introduce this brave officer. His name is Colonel Crockley Sputherington, an' I hope you'll all address him as such. Understood?"

The "colonel" bowed formally. "My thanks t'ye, Buckle-paw! Right, form up in order now. On my command, back to Redwall Abbey, quick march!"

Jango indicated the open food haversacks. "Ain't ye goin' to take a bite o' vittles afore ye go?"

Diggs walked a circle around the Log a Log, sizing him up. "An' who in the name o' blue blinkin' blazes are you, sah?"

Jango returned his stare. "I'm Jango Bigboat, Chieftain an' Log a Log o' the Guosim!"

Diggs viewed this statement with no evident surprise. "A shrew, eh? I thought so." He turned to Buckler, murmuring confidentially, "Greedy little blighters, shrews.

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Get him back into line, Buckleton. We ain't wastin' time on scoff, wot!"

Without further ado, Diggs swaggered off at the head of the column. Jango scratched his beard in astonishment.

"Well, don't that sink the logboat? Ole greedy lardbucket Diggs refusin' vittles--I don't believe it!"

Mumzy sorted out some candied chestnuts to give the little ones on their march. "Ah, sure, pay no heed t'the beast friend. He's as mad as an ould boiled frog, but he means well."

The line of little ones holding on to the rope was still filing past Buckler, which caused him to remark, "There's about twoscore an' five young uns here, Mumzy. Where did they all come from?"

The water vole filled her apron pockets with tit bits. "Some found their way to my cave, an' the rest we found wanderin' round the woodlands. Orphans, their parents slaughtered by the Sable Quean's lot. I been gatherin' 'em in whenever I could. They were cryin' their eyes out, hungry an' lost. Sure, I couldn't leave 'em to fend for themselves, now, could I, sir?"

Buckler pressed her old paw affectionately. "You certainly couldn't, marm. Come on, let's go to Redwall Abbey. There's room for everyone there!"

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32

Over the western flatlands, swallows flitted and swooped against a sky aflame with crimsoned evening glory. Slim narrow clouds, lilac and pearly grey, hemmed the far horizon. Redwall Abbey was bathed in soft rose light from eaves to gables. It was a sight which would be forever emblazoned in the memories of those young creatures seeing it for the first time.

The column trudged wearily along the path in a haze of fine dust sent up by their footpaws. Some of the babes, too exhausted to march, were carried on the backs and shoulders of their rescuers.

Trajidia Witherspyk, balancing on the southwest edge of the battlements, espied them first. She hallooed out in full dramatic style. "Hearken, one and all. I see them, I see them yonder!"

This set off the twin Abbey bells, booming out their message of home and safety for all.

The Abbey gates swung open as cheering creatures rushed down the path en masse to greet the travellers. Swaggering martially at the column's head, Diggs (alias Colonel Crockley Sputherington) bellowed out orders in fine parade-ground style. "Eyes front! Hold the line, back

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there! Mind your dressing, watch your pace, keep in step! No breakin' off an' dismissin' 'til I give the command!" His words were suddenly lost as both sides met.

Dymphnia Witherspyk seized Jiddle and Jinty, squeezing them until they were gasping for breath. "Oh, my beautiful liddle hogs, I've not slept a wink since you've been gone. Oh, my dears, y'don't know what this does to a mother's heart!"

Diggs pushed roughly past the trio, trying to restore some order to the happy chaos. "By the left, right'n'centre, discipline's gone to flamin' pot. They're nought but a bloomin' rabble!"

Dymphnia gave him a hefty pat on the back, which nearly knocked him flat. She steadied him, gushing, "Oh, well done, Mister Diggs, well done!"

He stood quivering with rage from ear to scut. "Mister Diggs, marm? Confound Mister flippin' Diggs an' all his blinkin' ilk. D'ye know whom you're addressin'?" He strode off, waving his swagger stick, yelling, "Back in your ranks, you slab-sided puddle-pawed cads!"

Dymphnia was perplexed. She turned to Buckler. "What did I do? Did I say something wrong?"

The young hare drew her to one side as the jubilant crowd flooded through the gates into the Abbey grounds. "You'll have to forgive him, marm. It's that wound he took to the head. Thinks he's some otherbeast now, wants t'be called Colonel Crockley Sputherington."