David Gemmell - Quest for Lost Heroes

They rode back to the camp-site and tethered the horse. Tanaki drew her swords. 'Come,' she said to Kiall, 'show me your skill.'

'No. I… I'm not very good. I am not a warrior, you see.'

'Show me.'

Embarrassed, he drew his sabre and dropped into the stance Chareos had taught him. As she leapt forward his sabre blocked her thrust, but she spun, her second sword-blade falling to touch his neck. 'You are too stiff,' she told him.

'I loosen up when I am afraid,' he said, with a smile.

'Then be afraid!' she said, her voice low and chilling. Her sword swept towards his head and he jumped back, but she followed him in. He blocked one thrust, then a second. . she spun, but he dropped to his knees, her blade slashing the air where his head had been. As her sword sliced down, he dived to his left and rolled. 'That is better,' she said, 'but unless you are a master — which you are not — you should fight with sabre and knife. That would double your killing power.'

Sheathing her blades she walked to the brow of the hill, staring out over the land.

Kiall joined her. 'You still intend to rescue your lady?' she asked him.

'Yes, if I can. But she is not my lady, she never was. I know that now.'

'You blame me for that, Kiall.'

'I blame you for nothing, Princess. I was foolish. I had a dream, and I thought that dream was real.'

'We are full of dreams,' she said. 'We long for the unattainable. We believe in the nonsense of fables. There is no pure love; there is lust and there is need.'

'I do not believe that, Princess.'

'Another dream you think is real?'

'I hope not. There is so much sadness and hate in the world. It would be a terrible thing if love was an illusion.'

'Why did you walk away from me earlier, when you were touching me?'

'I… I don't know.'

'You lie, Kiall. I could feel the growing warmth in your hands. You wanted to bed me, did you not?'

'No!' he replied instinctively, then looked away, reddening. 'Yes, I did,' he said angrily. 'And I know it was wrong.'

'Wrong? You are a fool, Kiall. It was honest lust — do not be ashamed of it, but do not write poems about it either. I have had fifty lovers. Some were geriile, some were cruel, and some I even grew fond of. But love? If it existed, I would have found it by now. Oh, Kiall, do not look so shocked. Life is short. Joy is everything. To deny that is to deny life.'

'You have the advantage of me,' he said softly. 'I do not have your experience of life. I was raised in a village, where we farmed and we raised cattle and sheep. But there were people there who had been together for half a lifetime. They were happy; I believe they loved one another.'

She shook her head. 'A man and a woman are drawn together by animal passions; they stay together for security. But if a better, perhaps richer man comes along, or a younger, more beautiful woman, then — and only then — can you test their love. Look at you, Kiall. Three days ago you loved a woman enough to risk death for her. Now you say you did not love her after all. And why? Because I appeared. Does that not prove my point?'

He remained silent for several seconds, staring out over the horizon. Finally he spoke. 'It proves only that I am a fool. That is not hard to do.'

Tanaki moved to him. 'I am sorry, I should not say these things. I thank you for rescuing me. I will be grateful to you all the days of my life. It was noble of you — and courageous. And I thank you also for walking away back there; that was considerate. But give me a few days and I will teach you joy.'

'No!' he said. 'I do not want to learn that kind of joy.'

'Then remain a fool,' she snapped, turning and stalking away to sit alone.

For almost three weeks the questors journeyed more deeply into the lands of the Nadir, moving across the desolate Steppes towards the far, grey mountains. Occasionally they stayed in small Nadir tent settlements, but mostly they camped in hidden gulleys, caves or hollows. There was no sign of pursuit, and they saw nothing of the soldiers of Tsudai.

Chareos said little during their journey. His face was set and grim, his eyes haunted. Beltzer too had little to say. Harokas proved adept with the bow and twice brought down deer. But mostly their food came from the land in the shape of long, twisted roots, purple in colour, which made a thin but nourishing soup.

Tanaki recovered well and often entered into bantering conversations with Harokas, but Kiall saw the fear in her eyes when any of the questors came too close, watched her flinch at a touch. For some days he said nothing of it. He treated her with courtesy, though she ignored him for most of the time; he guessed she was still angry at what she saw as his rejection of her.

But one night she awoke screaming, rolling from her blankets and scrabbling for her swords. Beltzer was up instantly, his silver axe in his hands. Chareos and Kiall moved to her.

'It is all right,' said Chareos, reaching out. 'It was only a dream.'

'Get back! Don't touch me!' screamed Tanaki. Her sword snaked out and Chareos leapt back, the blade missing him by a finger's breadth.

Tanaki?' said Kiall softly. 'All is well. You were dreaming. You are with friends. Friends.'

She stepped back, her breathing ragged, her violet eyes wide and frightened. Gradually her breathing grew more calm. 'I am sorry,' she whispered, and turning on her heel, she walked from the camp-site. Beltzer returned to his blankets, grumbling. Kiall walked after Tanaki, coming upon her sitting on a flat rock. Her moonlit face was pale as ivory, and he was struck anew by her beauty. For a moment he said nothing, then he sat beside her.

She swung to face him. They must think me weak,' she said.

'No one thinks that,' he assured her. 'But I do not know how to help you, Tanaki. I can heal bruises, stitch wounds, prepare herbs that will bring down fevers. But I cannot deal with your pain.'

'I have no pain,' she said. 'I am healed.'

'I do not think so. Every night you toss and turn. Often you cry out, and sometimes you even weep. It hurts me to see you in pain.'

Suddenly she laughed and stood with hands on hips, facing him. 'I know what you want,' she said. 'You want what those soldiers wanted. Admit it. Be a man! Do not come to me with your, "It hurts me to see you in pain." You don't care for me. And why should you? As far as you are concerned I'm just another Nadir bitch, to be used when you desire it.'

That's not how I see you,' he said. 'Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, any man would desire you. But I was talking of friendship — and I do care.'

'Well, I don't want your pity either," she snapped. 'I'm not some colt with a broken leg, or a blind puppy.'

'Why are you so angry with me? If I have said — or done — anything to upset you, then I apologise.'

She seemed about to speak, but her breath came out in a long sigh and she sagged back to the stone beside him. 'I am not angry with you, Kiall.' She closed her eyes and leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees. 'It is not you,' she repeated. 'I cannot put it behind me. Every time I close my eyes I can see their faces, feel their hands, their. . Every time. When I sleep, they come for me. And in my dreams I think that the rescue was the dream, and this is the reality. I keep thinking about it. It isn't the rape itself, or the beating, it is. .'

Her voice faded for a moment and Kiall said nothing, allowing the silence to grow. 'I have always known about such atrocities, but until you suffer you cannot understand the enormity of it. And worse, you cannot explain it. Two of those men were once palace guards at Ulrickham. One of them used to carry me on his shoulders when I was a child. So I ask myself, how could he do that to me? And why would he want to? I feel as if the world was never how I saw it — as if a gossamer veil hung before my eyes which they ripped away, leaving me to see the vileness that is reality. Only a few weeks ago I would see that look in Harokas' eye, and I would take it as a compliment. It would make me feel good. Now? Now it is like the look a fox gives a chicken, and it terrifies me.' She looked up at him. 'Do you understand any of this?'