Евгений Мешков - Simple Truths of Life

Mistakes continued to be made, but there were also very positive periods in my life, one of which was destined to become the calm before the storm…

It was autumn, and I was finally able to put up with baldness – I found myself a suitable hairstyle that hid the bald patches of the head. The girls also liked it, as some young ladies clearly paid attention to me. One of these girls was walking with her friend along the street and constantly looked at me. I had just left a paid dental clinic then. I went there after accidentally detecting caries on the lateral side of the lateral tooth, but since there was a two-week queue in the free city hospital, I decided that it would be better to spend some of the money that I still had then, but fill the tooth as soon as possible. The first day I went to the clinic, I was not well – both because of masturbation, and because of an obvious upset stomach. The operation on the tooth was postponed to another day. Leaving the building, I was pleasantly surprised to see my dad, who by himself decided then to come for me and take me home, since the clinic was not in my neighborhood, but in his.

Another good news was that I put up with my lip, forcing myself to believe that there must be an operation that will restore the symmetry, and I would definitely do it when I am in the USA. Since I did not want to look for a girlfriend because of the tireless desire to leave the country, I had no great reason to solve the lip problem in Russia.

Humility with the two main negative realities of my body made constant fantasizing an unnecessary thing, as I no longer experienced stress while realizing that I had those problems with my appearance. In addition, I with benefit used my imagination for writing scripts, which also helped me, since I did not have a vacuum due to the lack of old habits – I simply redirected the negative erroneous action, habit, to doing useful work. I then wanted to use my imagination only while working on scripts, and by and large I managed to do it.

Earlier, I often had the thought that the fact that I needed to meditate to calm my mind meant that I was “worse” than other people who could be focused on the present moment without meditation. But I was able to overcome those thoughts and began to meditate on breathing every night, and noticed one simple truth – you wake up in the same mental state as you fall asleep. Then I always fell asleep a very happy and inspired person. And if earlier I could have problems falling asleep, in those days I fell asleep in a couple of minutes, just lying in bed without thinking about anything at all and not concentrating on anything. I woke up in exactly the same condition as I fell asleep that night. I was full of happiness and enthusiasm for the new day with its new studies and work on my scripts – and so it went on for a short time. If I used paint to show my spiritual and emotional state in those two years of my new life, it would be mostly bright colors which would only in some places have specks of dark tones…

I signed the scripts with an alias. It was an American name, because I did not want to have mine then, trying to get away from who I was and trying to forget about my life’s story.

Around that period of my life, I had a dream about New York. The city, which I often looked at with such admiration and charm on the Internet, felt just like Moscow. There was a slightly different architecture, but on the whole it could have been an ordinary Moscow district. And that was the main idea that I had in that dream – that the USA is exactly the same country. When I woke up, I reluctantly agreed with this “message”, but, while still being very stubborn, I did not change my goals. In fact, until that moment I did not really want to learn anything about the USA because I used to have a strange desire of unknown origin to be a “pioneer” and personally discover America once I was already in it. I did not want to learn about the country beyond its borders from other people's life experiences.

I also noticed that when I was completely relaxed, the asymmetry of my lip due to my old bite was almost invisible. This was a confirmation of my long-standing reasoning that the muscles of my right cheek, which I felt was more tense during fantasizing than the left, also played an important role in the fact that the lip seemed very crooked under tension. I should have been happy with this, but since there was still a barely noticeable asymmetry, I sadly thought to myself then that now there was no point in going to the doctor, and, accordingly, this asymmetry would remain with me for life.

Another consequence of my relaxation was that my eyes also relaxed, which also completely restored my vision that was somewhat blurry when my brain was overburdened. While still working as a courier, I even went to the ophthalmologist for eye diagnostics, but as it turned out, in my case I just needed to relax my mind and body in order to regain my vision.

In general, I was very optimistic about my future. I just wanted to live a happy life, believing that everything good should be given just like that. I thought that bad things and negative periods in my life, like my stuttering, were just accidents of our existence.

From time to time, I thought about going somewhere and asking women and girls what they thought about my appearance. Did they consider me beautiful and did my lip and balding head bother them? I never did this, which was one of the mistakes.

I noticed an unusual thing when while being outside, I could often get out of my mind and be focused on reality, but each time I entered my apartment I would immediately see how I was losing this state of mind and becoming absorbed in my thoughts. Perhaps the thing was that at home I had nothing to cling to with my attention, as everything was the same old way in our apartment, or it just reminded me of the past and the present… After some time, I began to gain focus of mind at home too, but I would still get absorbed in my mind after each arrival of my mother from the village, since I could no longer be in silence.

Here I need to talk about one very important and unusual incident in my life. There was a time when I caught a cold on the street, and at home I had a runny nose, a sore throat, and a fever. I knew that I would be ill for at least five days, since for about such a period I had always recovered before. Also, my mood always worsened greatly during the illness. At that time, I did not want to lose all the joy and pleasure of life that I gained through meditation and concentration on reality. It is a little hard for me to explain what happened next, but I will try my best. I was in the toilet when I decided that I would not be depressed because of all the sensations that we feel during illness. Then I realized that those painful feelings are simple data that must exist so that we can find out that there is a virus in us and we could take appropriate measures, and therefore there is no reason to experience bad emotions due to painful sensations, since those feelings are neither good nor bad – these are just data that we feel in this way for our own protection. I immediately turned that new way of thinking into reality and was instantly cured ! I had absolutely no symptoms of the disease. The only reminder that the disease had really just existed was an unusual sensation in my throat that lasted for a couple of days. I felt that sensation for the first time and have never felt it again. The best way I can describe it is a sensation of throat that was sore and then was instantly cured. Then I did not know what, or who, is the cause of such healing, but I found the answer to this question after some time later…

Due to the fact that I did not want to meet girls, I continued to masturbate from time to time, because thoughts about sex prevented me from thinking, and the urge to masturbate while browsing porn sites was quite strong at a time when my defense was breaking through, and constant thoughts about sex consumed my mind after all…