Array Коллектив авторов - 33 лучших юмористических рассказа на английском / 33 Best Humorous Short Stories

‘And then,’ I cried, beginning to feel enthusiasm, ‘when he declared that he had three daughters’ – ‘I could see,’ said Jolnes, ‘one in the background who added no flower; and I knew that she must be —’

‘Adopted!’ I broke in. ‘I give you every credit; but how did you know he was leaving for the South to-night?’

‘In his breast pocket,’ said the great detective, ‘something large and oval made a protuberance. Good liquor is scarce on trains, and it is a long journey from New York to Fairfax County.’

‘Again, I must bow to you,’ I said. ‘And tell me this, so that my last shred of doubt will be cleared away; why did you decide that he was from Virginia?’

‘It was very faint, I admit,’ answered Shamrock Jolnes, ‘but no trained observer could have failed to detect the odour of mint in the car.’

A lank, strong, red-faced man with a Wellington beak and small, fiery eyes tempered by flaxen lashes, sat on the station platform at Los Pinos swinging his legs to and fro. At his side sat another man, fat, melancholy, and seedy, who seemed to be his friend. They had the appearance of men to whom life had appeared as – a reversible coat – seamy on both sides.

‘Ain’t seen you in about four years, Ham,’ said the seedy man. ‘Which way you been travelling?’

‘Texas,’ said the red-faced man. ‘It was too cold in Alaska for me. And I found it warm in Texas. I’ll tell you about one hot spell I went through there.

‘One morning I steps off the International at a water-tank and lets it go on without me. ’Twas a ranch country, and fuller of spite-houses than New York City. Only out there they build ’em twenty miles away so you can’t smell what they’ve got for dinner, instead of running ’em up two inches from their neighbors’ windows.

‘There wasn’t any roads in sight, so I footed it ‘cross country. The grass was shoe-top deep, and the mesquite timber looked just like a peach orchard. It was so much like a gentleman’s private estate that every minute you expected a kennelful of bulldogs to run out and bite you. But I must have walked twenty miles before I came in sight of a ranch-house. It was a little one, about as big as an elevated-railroad station.

‘There was a little man in a white shirt and brown overalls and a pink handkerchief around his neck rolling cigarettes under a tree in front of the door.

‘“Greetings,” says I. “Any refreshment, welcome, emoluments, or even work for a comparative stranger?”

‘“Oh, come in,” says he, in a refined tone. “Sit down on that stool, please. I didn’t hear your horse coming.”

‘“He isn’t near enough yet,” says I. “I walked. I don’t want to be a burden, but I wonder if you have three or four gallons of water handy.”

‘“You do look pretty dusty,” says he; “but our bathing arrangements —”

‘“It’s a drink I want,” says I. “Never mind the dust that’s on the outside.”

‘He gets me a dipper of water out of a red jar hanging up, and then goes on:

‘“Do you want work?”

‘“For a time,” says I. “This is a rather quiet section of the country, isn’t it?”

‘“It is,” says he. “Sometimes – so I have been told – one sees no human being pass for weeks at a time. I’ve been here only a month. I bought the ranch from an old settler who wanted to move farther west.”

‘“It suits me,” says I. “Quiet and retirement are good for a man sometimes. And I need a job. I can tend bar, salt mines, lecture, float stock, do a little middle-weight slugging, and play the piano.”

‘“Can you herd sheep?” asks the little ranch-man.

‘“Do you mean have I heard sheep?” says I.

‘“Can you herd ’em – take charge of a flock of ’em?” says he.

‘“Oh,” says I, “now I understand. You mean chase ’em around and bark at ’em like collie dogs. Well, I might,” says I. “I’ve never exactly done any sheep-herding, but I’ve often seen ’em from car windows masticating daisies, and they don’t look dangerous.”

‘“I’m short a herder,” says the ranchman. “You never can depend on the Mexicans. I’ve only got two flocks. You may take out my bunch of muttons – there are only eight hundred of ’em – in the morning, if you like. The pay is twelve dollars a month and your rations furnished. You camp in a tent on the prairie with your sheep. You do your own cooking, but wood and water are brought to your camp. It’s an easy job.”

‘“I’m on,” says I. “I’ll take the job even if I have to garland my brow and hold on to a crook and wear a loose-effect and play on a pipe like the shepherds do in pictures.”

‘So the next morning the little ranchman helps me drive the flock of muttons from the corral to about two miles out and let ’em graze on a little hillside on the prairie. He gives me a lot of instructions about not letting bunches of them stray off from the herd, and driving ’em down to a water-hole to drink at noon.

‘“I’ll bring out your tent and camping outfit and rations in the buckboard before night,” says he.

‘“Fine,” says I. “And don’t forget the rations. Nor the camping outfit. And be sure to bring the tent. Your name’s Zollicoffer, ain’t it?”

‘“My name,” says he, “is Henry Ogden.”

‘“All right, Mr. Ogden,” says I. “Mine is Mr. Percival Saint Clair.”

‘I herded sheep for five days on the Rancho Chiquito; and then the wool entered my soul. That getting next to Nature certainly got next to me. I was lonesomer than Crusoe’s goat. I’ve seen a lot of persons more entertaining as companions than those sheep were. I’d drive ’em to the corral and pen ’em every evening, and then cook my corn-bread and mutton and coffee, and lie down in a tent the size of a table-cloth, and listen to the coyotes and whippoorwills singing around the camp.

‘The fifth evening, after I had corralled my costly but uncongenial muttons, I walked over to the ranch-house and stepped in the door.

‘“Mr. Ogden,” says I, “you and me have got to get sociable. Sheep are all very well to dot the landscape and furnish eight-dollar cotton suitings for man, but for table-talk and fireside companions they rank along with five-o’clock teazers. If you’ve got a deck of cards, or a Parcheesioutfit, or a game of authors, get ’em out, and let’s get on a mental basis. I’ve got to do something in an intellectual line, if it’s only to knock somebody’s brains out.”

‘This Henry Ogden was a peculiar kind of ranchman. He wore finger-rings and a big gold watch and careful neckties. And his face was calm, and his nose-spectacles was kept very shiny. I saw once, in Muscogee, an outlaw hung for murdering six men, who was a dead ringer for him. But I knew a preacher in Arkansas that you would have taken to be his brother. I didn’t care much for him either way; what I wanted was some fellowship and communion with holy saints or lost sinners – anything sheepless would do.

‘“Well, Saint Clair,” says he, laying down the book he was reading, “I guess it must be pretty lonesome for you at first. And I don’t deny that it’s monotonous for me. Are you sure you corralled your sheep so they won’t stray out?”

‘“They’re shut up as tight as the jury of a millionaire murderer,” says I. “And I’ll be back with them long before they’ll need their trained nurse.”

‘So Ogden digs up a deck of cards, and we play casino. After five days and nights of my sheep-camp it was like a toot on Broadway. When I caught big casino I felt as excited as if I had made a million in Trinity. And when H. O. loosened up a little and told the story about the lady in the Pullman car I laughed for five minutes.