Array Коллектив авторов - 33 лучших юмористических рассказа на английском / 33 Best Humorous Short Stories

‘You are a governess. What can you teach?’ he asked, suddenly and fiercely thrusting his face in mine.

‘Manners!’ I replied, calmly.

‘Ha! teach ME!’

‘You mistake yourself,’ I said, adjusting my mittens. ‘Your manners require not the artificial restraint of society. You are radically polite; this impetuosity and ferociousness is simply the sincerity which is the basis of a proper deportment. Your instincts are moral; your better nature, I see, is religious. As St. Paul justly remarks – see chap. 6, 8, 9, and 10 —’

He seized a heavy candlestick, and threw it at me. I dodged it submissively but firmly.

‘Excuse me,’ he remarked, as his under jaw slowly relaxed. ‘Excuse me, Miss Mix – but I can’t stand St. Paul! Enough – you are engaged.’

I followed the housekeeper as she led the way timidly to my room. As we passed into a dark hall in the wing, I noticed that it was closed by an iron gate with a grating. Three of the doors on the corridor were likewise grated. A strange noise, as of shuffling feet and the howling of infuriated animals, rang through the hall. Bidding the housekeeper good night, and taking the candle, I entered my bedchamber.

I took off my dress, and, putting on a yellow flannel nightgown, which I could not help feeling did not agree with my complexion, I composed myself to rest by reading Blair’s Rhetoric and Paley’s Moral Philosophy. I had just put out the light, when I heard voices in the corridor. I listened attentively. I recognized Mr. Rawjester’s stern tones.

‘Have you fed No. 1?’ he asked.

‘Yes, sir,’ said a gruff voice, apparently belonging to a domestic.

‘How’s No. 2?’

‘She’s a little off her feed, just now, but will pick up in a day or two!’

‘And No. 3?’

‘Perfectly furious, sir. Her tantrums are ungovernable.’

‘Hush!’

The voices died away, and I sank into a fitful slumber.

I dreamed that I was wandering through a tropical forest. Suddenly I saw the figure of a gorilla approaching me. As it neared me, I recognized the features of Mr. Rawjester. He held his hand to his side as if in pain. I saw that he had been wounded. He recognized me and called me by name, but at the same moment the vision changed to an Ashantee village, where, around the fire, a group of negroes were dancing and participating in some wild Obi festival. I awoke with the strain still ringing in my ears.

‘Hokee-pokee wokee fum!’

Good Heavens! could I be dreaming? I heard the voice distinctly on the floor below, and smelt something burning. I arose, with an indistinct presentiment of evil, and hastily putting some cotton in my ears and tying a towel about my head, I wrapped myself in a shawl and rushed down stairs. The door of Mr. Rawjester’s room was open. I entered.

Mr. Rawjester lay apparently in a deep slumber, from which even the clouds of smoke that came from the burning curtains of his bed could not rouse him. Around the room a large and powerful negress, scantily attired, with her head adorned with feathers, was dancing wildly, accompanying herself with bone castanets. It looked like some terrible fetich.

I did not lose my calmness. After firmly emptying the pitcher, basin, and slop-jar on the burning bed, I proceeded cautiously to the garden, and, returning with the garden-engine, I directed a small stream at Mr. Rawjester.

At my entrance the gigantic negress fled. Mr. Rawjester yawned and woke. I explained to him, as he rose dripping from the bed, the reason of my presence. He did not seem to be excited, alarmed, or discomposed. He gazed at me curiously.

‘So you risked your life to save mine, eh? you canary-colored teacher of infants.’

I blushed modestly, and drew my shawl tightly over my yellow flannel nightgown.

‘You love me, Mary Jane, – don’t deny it! This trembling shows it!’ He drew me closely toward him, and said, with his deep voice tenderly modulated: —

‘How’s her pooty tootens, – did she get her ‘ittle tootens wet, – bess her?’

I understood his allusion to my feet. I glanced down and saw that in my hurry I had put on a pair of his old india-rubbers. My feet were not small or pretty, and the addition did not add to their beauty.

‘Let me go, sir,’ I remarked quietly. ‘This is entirely improper; it sets a bad example for your child.’ And I firmly but gently extricated myself from his grasp. I approached the door. He seemed for a moment buried in deep thought.

‘You say this was a negress?’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Humph, No. 1, I suppose?’

‘Who is Number One, sir?’

‘My FIRST,’ he remarked, with a significant and sarcastic smile. Then, relapsing into his old manner, he threw his boots at my head, and bade me begone. I withdrew calmly.

My pupil was a bright little girl, who spoke French with a perfect accent. Her mother had been a French ballet-dancer, which probably accounted for it. Although she was only six years old, it was easy to perceive that she had been several times in love. She once said to me: —

‘Miss Mix, did you ever have the grande passion? Did you ever feel a fluttering here?’ and she placed her hand upon her small chest, and sighed quaintly, ‘a kind of distaste for bonbons and caromels, when the world seemed as tasteless and hollow as a broken cordial drop.’

‘Then you have felt it, Nina?’ I said quietly. ‘O dear, yes. There was Buttons, – that was our page, you know, – I loved him dearly, but papa sent him away. Then there was Dick, the groom, but he laughed at me, and I suffered misery!’ and she struck a tragic French attitude. ‘There is to be company here to-morrow,’ she added, rattling on with childish naiveté, ‘and papa’s sweetheart – Blanche Marabout – is to be here. You know they say she is to be my mamma.’

What thrill was this shot through me? But I rose calmly, and, administering a slight correction to the child, left the apartment.

Blunderbore House, for the next week, was the scene of gayety and merriment. That portion of the mansion closed with a grating was walled up, and the midnight shrieks no longer troubled me.

But I felt more keenly the degradation of my situation. I was obliged to help Lady Blanche at her toilet and help her to look beautiful. For what? To captivate him? O – no, no, – but why this sudden thrill and faintness? Did he really love her? I had seen him pinch and swear at her. But I reflected that he had thrown a candlestick at my head, and my foolish heart was reassured.

It was a night of festivity, when a sudden message obliged Mr. Rawjester to leave his guests for a few hours. ‘Make yourselves merry, idiots,’ he added, under his breath, as he passed me. The door closed and he was gone.

An half-hour passed. In the midst of the dancing a shriek was heard, and out of the swaying crowd of fainting women and excited men a wild figure strode into the room. One glance showed it to be a highwayman, heavily armed, holding a pistol in each hand.

‘Let no one pass out of this room!’ he said, in a voice of thunder. ‘The house is surrounded and you cannot escape. The first one who crosses yonder threshold will be shot like a dog. Gentlemen, I’ll trouble you to approach in single file, and hand me your purses and watches.’

Finding resistance useless, the order was ungraciously obeyed.

‘Now, ladies, please to pass up your jewelry and trinkets.’

This order was still more ungraciously complied with. As Blanche handed to the bandit captain her bracelet, she endeavored to conceal a diamond necklace, the gift of Mr. Rawjester, in her bosom. But, with a demoniac grin, the powerful brute tore it from its concealment, and, administering a hearty box on the ear of the young girl, flung her aside.