Dave Barry - Big trouble

Behind him, wearing gym shorts and a Miami Fusion T-shirt and looking very anxious as he brushed Roger away from his groin, was Eliot Arnold. Eliot went straight to Matt.

"Matt," he said, "you OK?"

"Yeah," said Matt. "It's just a bloody nose. I'm sorry, Dad. I never thought, I mean… I'm really sorry."

"This is your son?" asked Monica.

"Yes," said Eliot. "I'm Eliot Arnold. I got a call from Andrew, Matt's friend, he said there was trouble here, so I took a cab."

"Ah," said Monica. "The imaginary friend."

"What?" said Eliot.

"Never mind," said Monica.

Arthur Herk walked over to Eliot and, standing too close, said, "You got a lawyer?" "What?" said Eliot.

"You better have a good fucking lawyer," Arthur told Eliot. "Your son broke my TV. It was a Sony, thirty-nine inches diagonal."

"Thirty-five inches," said Jenny, returning with a washcloth.

"Bitch," said Arthur.

"Could somebody please tell me what happened?" asked Eliot.

"I was trying to kill Jenny," said Matt, "and her mom jumped me."

"Hi," said Anna, giving Eliot a little wave. "I'm Anna Herk. I didn't mean to hurt him."

"Hi," said Eliot, waving back. "Listen, I'm really sorry about this. I thought it was, I mean, the way Matt described it, it was just supposed to be a game."

"Hey," said Anna, making a what-can-you-do gesture. "Kids."

"Yeah," agreed Eliot. "Kids." Eliot was noticing that Anna had extremely green eyes.

"Your kid's going to jail," said Arthur Herk, heading for the bar.

"Monica?" said Officer Kramitz.

"What?" said Monica.

'Take a look at this," said Officer Kramitz, feeling very happy about this case again. He was crouched by the TV set, pointing at something inside the gaping opening where the picture tube had been. Monica went over and saw that he was pointing at a small, perfectly round hole in the back of the plastic cabinet. Looking behind the TV, she saw a matching hole in the wall. She went around to the other side of the wall, which was the dining room; there was a hole in the wall, and another hole in the wall on the opposite side of the room.

"Jesus," she said. She went back into the family room.

"OK," she said, "Let's go over what happened again, and this time, let's include the part about who shot the TV set."

Arthur Herk, pouring a drink, jerked his head up.

" Shot it?" said Anna. "Nobody shot it."

"It's a squirt gun ," said Matt.

"Listen," said Monica. "There's a bullet hole in the wall there, and I want to know, right now, how… Wait a minute."

Monica turned and went over to the window next to the sliding-glass door and stood for a moment, staring. Eliot, Matt, Anna, Jenny, and Officer Kramitz moved closer to see what she was looking at. What she was looking at was a neat, round hole in the glass.

"Oh my God ," said Jenny.

"Is that a bullet hole?" asked Eliot.

"Looks like," said Monica.

"So," said Matt, "like, a bullet came through this room ? With us here ?"

"Oh my God ," said Jenny, again. Anna hugged her.

At the bar, Arthur Herk went pale.

"Matt," said Monica, "when you and your imaginary Mend were outside, did you see anybody else?"

"No," said Matt.

"Mrs. Herk," said Monica, "does anybody live here besides you and your daughter and your husband?"

"Well," said Anna, "there's… My god, where's Nina ?"

Nina could smell beer. It wasn't a bad smell; in fact, it reminded her of her father, when he came home late from work on Friday and sometimes she would sit on his lap and he would sing her songs, and on his breath was the sweet smell of the cerveza .

She could smell it now, but it wasn't her father; k was somebody with a different voice, a higher voice, and he was saying, "You OK? Lady? Lady? You OK?"

Nina opened her eyes, and she saw a man, but she didn't scream, because she was not afraid of this man. He had a beard and sad brown eyes, kind of like Roger the dog's, and she could see in them that he had a sad brown soul, and that he would not hurt her.

Puggy thought that Nina was beautiful. Just beautiful, like an angel in a blue nightgown, or a woman on the TV. He could not believe that a woman as beautiful as this was in his tree. He knew — he was sure — that she was the reason for the flute music, because that music was as beautiful as this woman was. He had never really loved a woman, or even really talked to one, but he believed that he loved this woman very much.

"You OK?" he said again.

" Si ," said Nina. "Yes."

Spanish , thought Puggy. He would die for this woman.

"What happen to me?" she asked, tentatively touching her forehead, discovering a large and tender lump.

"That guy ran into you," said Puggy.

"Seсor Herk," said Nina. "He chase me."

Whoever Seсor Herk was, Puggy hated him.

"I got the gun," said Puggy.

"Gun?" said Nina. She pronounced it "gon." Puggy thought it was a beautiful way to pronounce it. He wanted this woman to stay in his tree forever, pronouncing things.

"The gun the other guy had," said Puggy. "I got it."

"There was another?" asked Nina.

"There was two guys," said Puggy. "They're gone, though."

Nina looked around her. She was lying on something hard and flat, like wood, but she was outside, with branches all around.

"Where is this?" she asked.

"This is my tree," Puggy said.

Nina sat up a little bit, and saw that she was in a tree. "Well," said Puggy, "it's not my tree. But I live here."

"How do I come here?" asked Nina.

"I picked you up," said Puggy, remembering how warm her body felt over his shoulder. "I hope I didn't… I mean, I wasn't…»

"No, no," said Nina. "Is OK. You help me. Muchas gracias . Thank you." She smiled at him. She had very white teeth.

Puggy had never been happier in his entire life, never, not even the time when he was little and his dad, who was still around then, took him to the volunteer firemen's carnival and let him ride the bumper cars over and over, his dad drinking beers and laughing and handing the bumper-car guy some bills and saying, "Let'm go again!" That was the best time he'd ever had, and this was better, to have this TV-beautiful angel smiling at him.

"Nina!" called a voice through the darkness, from the direction of the house.

" Ay Dios ," said Nina. " La seсora !"

Nina , thought Puggy.

"I must go," said Nina.

"Nina!" called the voice.

"Nina," said Puggy, trying it out.

Nina liked the way he said it. "What is your name?" she asked.

"Puggy."

"Puggy," she said. She pronounced it "Pogey." Puggy thought he was going to float out of the tree.

"NINA!" called the voice, sounding a little frantic, and a little closer.

"I must go," Nina said again.

"OK," said Puggy. He was used to people having to go..He held out his hand, and Nina took it, and he pulled her up, and she could feel that he was strong. She hoped her hand did not feel too rough to him. She had working hands.

But Puggy liked the way her hand felt, and he loved the way she gripped his hand, a firm grip, as he eased her down onto a lower branch, and then, following behind, eased her to the ground. He dropped down beside her, and they stood looking at each other. They were exactly the same height.

"NINA!" called the voice, now definitely coming this way.

"I don't think they know I live in their tree," said Puggy.

"OK," said Nina. She would not tell.

"Nina," said Puggy, trying to figure out a way to tell her that he loved her.

"Yes?" she said.

"I'm usually here," he said.

"OK," she said. She touched his arm, leaving her hand there a second. Then she turned and walked, a little unsteadily, toward the calling voice, leaving Puggy watching her, still feeling her hand on his arm.