Edward Aubyn - Lost for Words

‘Mr Malcolm Craig has told us that the novel is such a “varied” and “flexible” form, and yet no one could be more amazed than I am to discover that I have transformed my cookery book into a work of literature, simply by including one or two stories about some of our more colourful ancestors.

‘I want to thank the distinguished panel of judges for giving me this prize, and to say that I shall donate the money to the Badanpur Orphanage, of which I have the honour to be the Patron.’

Auntie bowed to her audience and crossed the stage with quiet dignity, holding her sari a little raised as she walked cautiously down the steps, amidst a scattering of applause, tentative in places and fanatically enthusiastic in others.

* * *

‘Fucking hell,’ said Katherine, staring at the television from her bed, while Sam stared at her glowing skin from the pillow beside her, ‘that’s the book that Alan sent to the judges instead of Consequences .’

‘The world’s gone mad,’ said Sam, leaning over to kiss her on the neck.

‘Listen to this ,’ said Katherine. ‘It’s an interview with one of the judges’ daughters.’

Sam turned to the screen and saw an angrylooking, middle-aged woman standing in front of a terraced house, with her arms folded across a thick sweater.

‘Yes, I’m saying that my mother told me to place a bet on wot u starin at . She gave me inside information and encouraged me to commit what would in effect have been fraud.’

‘But it wasn’t fraud, was it, because that book didn’t win?’

‘That doesn’t mean she didn’t try to cheat,’ said Nicola stubbornly, ‘it’s just another thing she isn’t any good at.’

‘Great,’ said Sam, relighting the joint. ‘Maybe there’ll be a retrial and we can both get Short-Listed and one of us can win. I don’t mind which one of us, that’s how madly in love I am.’

‘If you were madly in love, you’d want me to win,’ said Katherine.

‘I’m not sure that’s true,’ said Sam. ‘I think love is about equality: both of us equally happy with either result. One-sided self-sacrifice is only enabling someone else’s egoism. Altruists always end up riddled with resentment, or if they make that last superhuman effort, with spiritual pride.’

‘Oh,’ said Katherine, ‘you mean you’re not going to enable my egoism.’

‘Okay, okay,’ said Sam ‘you’re right — love is doing everything you want all the time.’

‘Only because you want it too,’ said Katherine.

‘Hmm, the ever-popular merged volition,’ said Sam, ‘that can work, for about three weeks.’

‘Oh, look,’ said Katherine, lying down sideways, with her head in her hand, ‘it’s the mother of that woman.’

Sam looked at Katherine, her fine shoulder blades, the line of her waist, the ridge of her hipbone, and her legs tapering into the sheets.

‘Amazing,’ he said.

‘She’s been told about her daughter,’ said Katherine.

Sam looked back up at the television. Penny was still in the Banqueting Room, with the empty stage behind her.

‘I have no idea why she would say something like that. Nicola has always been fond of a practical joke, but I really think this is going a bit too far. Besides, it makes no sense, since the book I’m supposed to have recommended didn’t win!’

‘She says that’s just incompetence,’ said the interviewer. ‘Were you planning to share the money?’

‘Now, look here,’ said Penny, genuinely indignant, ‘our committee has been working extremely hard all year, in order to bring the very best works of literature to the public’s attention, and those discussions have always been strictly confidential . To suggest otherwise is not only an insult to me but also to my colleagues and friends.’

‘Some of us have been following Jo Cross’s Twitter wars with critics of the Long List for several weeks now,’ said the interviewer.

‘I’m not prepared to discuss these matters any further,’ said Penny, ‘for the very reason that they are, as I’ve said, strictly confidential.’

‘Are you saying that Twitter is confidential?’

Penny turned her back on the camera and walked out of shot.

‘Oh dear, well, I seem to have lost Penny Feathers,’ said the interviewer. ‘I suspect we’ll be hearing a lot more about this year’s highly controversial Elysian Prize, but that’s all we’ve got time for tonight and so…’

Katherine switched off the television and tossed the remote control onto the floor under her bedside table.

‘I’m sick of prizes,’ she said.

‘Comparison, competition, envy and anxiety,’ said Sam.

‘Let’s just make love and be happy.’

‘ Vaste Programme ,’ said Sam, ‘ as De Gaulle said to the heckler who shouted, “Death to the idiots”.’

‘That is too ambitious,’ said Katherine, ‘but my programme is completely realistic, especially the first half.’

‘Ah, the first half,’ said Sam, sliding down the sheets.

‘Which will lead naturally to the second half,’ said Katherine.

They smiled at each other and all the irony seemed to have rushed from the world, restoring it to a place where things happened naturally and incomparably.

Edward St. Aubyn was born in London in 1960. He is the author of a series of highly acclaimed novels about the Melrose family, including At Last and Mother’s Milk , which was short-listed for the 2006 Man Booker Prize, as well as the novels A Clue to the Exit and On the Edge .