Adrian Pearson - Cow Country

“Charlie, put the gun down! Please !”

“….You know, there was a time once when I longed to be something more toward the ends of the spectrum. A solstice perhaps. Or a proven theorem. I longed to have a diametrical opposite to guide me. To be the bos indicus among bos taurus ….or the bos taurus among bos indicus . But those days are long gone. They have passed into history and now I am content to be my own opposite. Just as the spring equinox is the opposite of the fall equinox. Just as today, March twentieth, is the exact opposite of both summer and winter solstices. Just as paradox is the opposite of itself. These things are opposites just as that strobe dangling from our ceiling is the exact opposite of the sun that in a few short hours will surely bring a new day….”

“Pull the trigger, Charlie!” said Ethel.

“What?” I said.

“Charlie, it’s time. Pull the trigger….”

“You’re absolutely right,” I said. “Thank you for whispering these words of advice into my ear. It is very late and so it is about time for me to become something entirely.”

And so over the gasps of the faculty and staff in the cafeteria, I released the hammer and closed the safety. Without firing I lowered my gaze from the strobe.

Meekly, I set the gun on the floor.

*

Here Bessie shook her head:

“Except that, well, you didn’t .”

“I didn’t?”

“Nope. Standing alone in the crowded cafeteria you were not yourself, Charlie. You seemed possessed by an idea. Or a sound. The voice of eternity perhaps. Or the promise of ending time. Or maybe it really was Ethel Newtown whispering into your ear to pull that trigger…”

Bessie stopped to press the napkin against my forehead.

“…But whatever the case,” she said, “you really did it. This time you pulled the trigger entirely.”

* * *

INTRODUCTION

Our twelve-member accreditation team visited Cow Eye Community College from March 15–20 for the purpose of determining whether the college continues to meet accreditation standards, evaluating how well the college is achieving its stated purpose, providing recommendations for quality assurance and institutional improvement, and submitting recommendations to the regional accrediting body regarding the accredited status of the college.

In preparation for the visit, team members carefully read the college’s self-study and related evidentiary documents provided by Cow Eye Community College. Three weeks prior to arriving on campus, each team member prepared written reactions to the Cow Eye Community College self-study and identified inquiries to be made during the visit. This included detailed analysis of the college’s administrative structure, curriculum, fiscal standing, facilities plans, assessment process, and its ability to support meaningful dialogue among an increasingly diverse community of tenured and non-tenured educators. During the five-day visit, the team met either individually or in groups with over 80 college faculty, classified staff, students, and administrators. In addition, team members held two widely publicized sessions open to all members of the college community. The week of accreditation activities included visits to special showcase projects, in-class observations of key instructional faculty, a fireworks display and ceremonial opening of the campus’s three cattle-themed fountains, and a memorable Christmas party in which the college’s Special Projects Coordinator employed a Ruger.38 to shoot out the rotating disco strobe in the cafeteria.

The team appreciated the hospitality of the college’s employees as well as the candor of its faculty, staff, and students throughout the visit. In general, the self-study is complete and despite a series of misspellings and some suspicious iambs in the chapters concerning its assessment practices, the document covers all important topics and all standards and eligibility requirements. The team noted that the college did a good job in organizing its accommodations. Individual team members also expressed appreciation for the frankincense and myrrh, as well as the shoulder-length gloves that were handed out as tokens of esteem upon the conclusion of our visit to the college.

MAJOR FINDINGS AND RECOMMENDATIONS

To acknowledge the good work that Cow Eye Community College has done, the team makes the following specific commendations:

The college is to be commended for its ongoing commitment to student success as evidenced by the flickering 22-inch color-television set with push-button remote control.

The college is to be commended for the commitment to excellence of its faculty. This encompasses a broad cross-section of disciplines and perspectives ranging from Art History to Eugenics and from Autobody to Philosophy. A special commendation is also given to the college’s creative writing instructor for his mesmerizing approach to facilitating an environment of creativity and lifelong learning in his classroom.

The college is to be commended for its efforts to promote cultural diversity and unity through a variety of means including Campus Conversations and focus groups.

Along with the above commendations, the following forty-three recommendations are made as a result of the team visit:

Recommendation 1:

The team recommends that the college continue its two-year cycle of reviewing the mission statement and in so doing ensure the statement’s alignment with ongoing assessment results of college-wide planning and quality assurance processes.

Recommendation 6:

The team recommends that the college continue its efforts to develop comprehensive plans for continuous improvement. It is further recommended that these plans be implemented within a reasonable timeframe and that they be entrusted to faculty and staff whose commitment to campus engagement and student success is not only sincere but also shared entirely.

Recommendation 17:

The team recommends that the college develop a more rigorous hiring process to discourage the employing, sight unseen, of under-qualified applicants with sparkling curricula vitae after a mere phone interview.

Recommendation 26:

The team recommends that the recently vacated Special Projects Coordinator position be re-envisioned to include more specific duties and that this position be filled by an applicant with a proven track-record of administrative success in the field of Educational Administration.

Recommendation 39:

The team recommends that the college’s cafeteria be equipped with ADA-accessible egress and clear paths to the exits to ensure that a sudden and mass exit through the doors can be accomplished in a safe and expeditious manner.

“So then what happened?” asked the man sitting next to me. “After you blew away the disco strobe to the screams and shrieks of faculty and accreditor alike? After you ran outside and collapsed in the parking lot? After you violated your colleagues’ naive expectations of meat and vegetable and sunk your college’s attempt to reaffirm its accreditation? After your three friends went outside and found you bleeding and unconscious on the asphalt? After they brought you back into the cafeteria to sleep until the following afternoon? After all this took place, then what happened?”