Adrian Pearson - Cow Country

“That makes sense, I guess.”

“Of course it does! I mean, isn’t that what all consequential literature aspires to do?”

“I wouldn’t know. But what about the ashes…how do you explain them ?”

“Merna was a lifelong smoker and kept a large urn of ashes — forty years worth — on the floor in her office. And so we finally scattered them for her that night at the river.”

“I see.”

“And you missed it.”

“Right.”

“Just like you missed her tonight.”

“Right.”

“You are a lot of different things, Charlie. But not being any of them entirely has caused you to miss a lot of things in this life.”

“I know. And I’m really sorry. I tried to get here on time. But I also realize that there are things in life that are just so much more important….”

“Than time?”

“Yes.”

“Like what?”

“Like darkness.”

“And?”

“And rain.”

“And?

“And love.”

“And?!”

“And the stars in the sky. All of those things are truly important, Dr. Felch. Living in Cow Eye has taught me to appreciate them all. Living here I’ve come to learn this lesson the tortuous way….”

“That may be so. But I thought you were going to change into your costume….”

“I didn’t?”

“Obviously not. You’re still in the clothes you wore to the city….”

“I am?”

“Charlie, are you still taking those pills?”

“Oh yes.”

“Both of them?”

“Oh no! I’m only taking one of them.”

“The pill to make you sleep?”

“I believe so. Though it’s hard to say anything with certainty right now. It’s all kind of blending together at the moment.”

“Anyway, don’t forget about the costume. The math faculty have just arrived as a group. And I have an important announcement to make to everyone.”

I grabbed my duffel bag and returned to the men’s room where Dr. Felch was already standing next to the paper towel dispenser.

“That’s a nice set of boots!” he said.

“Thank you,” I said. “But how did you get here so fast? How did you beat me to the towel dispenser?”

“What do you mean? I just walked in here. I’ve been out glad-handing for the last fifteen minutes?”

“But…!”

“Charlie, you seem to be slowing down, my friend. You seem to be losing track of your surroundings.”

“It’s entirely possible. This pill I’m taking…it’s…working, I guess….”

“Good. Let’s hope it brings you some well-deserved sleep….”

Dr. Felch ripped off the towel from the dispenser.

“By the way, when’s the food coming?”

“Soon.”

“How soon?”

“Very soon!”

“Well, you’d better let everyone know what’s going on, or you’re going to lose them. It’s almost ten and these people have been in this room since six o’clock. Some even longer! It’s absolutely packed. They’re huddled in here like cattle in a cattle chute. Like bullets in a box of bullets. Like pieces of chalk in a box containing many pieces of chalk. The room is sweaty and warm with poor circulation. The costumes are hot. Your peers are tired and very hungry. Charlie, if you don’t get them some food — or at least the promise of food — we’re going to have a mutiny on our hands…!”

“But…”

“…or an insurrection…!”

“But I…”

“Charlie, listen up! I’m preparing the finishing touches on the announcement that I’m going to make now that the math faculty have arrived dressed as Roman senators. In the meantime, you’d better say something to the crowd. You’d better say something to quell the tension. To appease the hunger pangs. To assuage the growing doubts. Go on. The microphone’s over there….”

Dr. Felch crumpled up his paper towel and threw it into the trash can and walked out.

I nodded…

“Yes, sir,” I said.

As the door closed after him I took out the vial from my shirt pocket, twisted the cap off, and slid out a pill. Leaning my head back, I dropped it down my throat and chased it with water from the tap.

“Alright,” I said to myself. “It’s time to let everyone know what’s going on…!”

Tired and bewildered, I made my way from the bathroom to the microphone at the front of the cafeteria. The microphone was cold and thumped loudly when I turned it on.

*

“Good evening!” I said. “Good evening, everyone, and welcome to our First Annual Springtime Masquerade and Christmas Extravaganza for Intra-faculty Unity and Student Success. Otherwise known as the Cow Eye Community College annual Christmas party….Thank you all for coming….”

Here I wiped a collection of spittle from the corner of my mouth. Then I turned off the spigot of the restroom sink and continued:

“…I know it’s already quite late and you are all very hungry. And so I just wanted to reassure you that the food is on its way. The caterer has been given the green light and so the food we’ve ordered should be arriving any minute. Specifically, I’ve been told that it will be here by eleven at the very latest….”

“Eleven?!”

“Yes, eleven.”

“P.M. or A.M.?”

“Very funny, Max. P.M. of course. So please be patient. This is not easy for me either. As you probably know by now, it’s been many months since I’ve had a decent night’s sleep. And it’s been many days since I’ve had any sleep at all. And yet here I am. Here I am in this men’s restroom in this sheriff’s costume. Here I am shepherding this Christmas party to its successful resolution. At eleven the food will be here — I promise. And it will be worth the wait. It will be a joyous occasion. A reason for celebration. A personal triumph against overwhelming odds. In the meantime, I encourage you all to use this opportunity to get to know each other in this crowded cafeteria. Or if you prefer, in one of the ten exotic rooms that we’ve procured for your enjoyment. While you wait you might as well talk incessantly with the many people you normally wouldn’t have the time of day for. And if you’ve gone that far you might as well get to know them in other ways too! Biblically, for example. You see, for especially intimate acquaintances we have arranged those ten exquisite rooms for your enjoyment. And for the more adventurous we have room 2-C. In addition, I encourage you to frequent the wet bar and the punch table throughout this evening. Please help yourself to the bowls of multi-colored barbiturates and amphetamines that have been positioned as centerpieces throughout the room. Don’t pass up the marijuana that is making its rounds. Or the lines of cocaine that have been carefully laid like rural highways across our vast continent. Or the LSD and heroin available under the NO SMOKING sign over there. (Just remember, folks, that we are a tobacco-free campus!) Oh, and while you’re at it, don’t neglect to take your prescription medication and to wash it down with some proscriptive legislation. The Prozac. The vitamins. The Ritalin and Viagra. The sign ordinances and leash laws. After so much planning and preparation it’s great to know that my quixotic plans are becoming observable reality. It’s great to see them taking shape in the form of this long-awaited Christmas party. And so, yes, I’m going to celebrate my own success by helping myself to Luke’s concoctions over there at the wet bar. I’m going to drink them enthusiastically. And indiscriminately. And I’m going to use them to wash down this amazing pill of mine that I’ve been taking and that has helped me stay up this long. This pill that will keep me awake forever! I am going to do all this. But first I’d like to acknowledge some people who’ve been instrumental in all this success. Some people without whose help none of this diversity and inclusiveness could have been possible…. It takes all kinds to organize a successful Christmas party. Just as it takes all types of personalities to run a struggling community college. Just as it takes all manner of Homo sapiens to make up this rich tapestry of human experience that swaddles us in our humanity…!”