Adrian Pearson - Cow Country

“Interesting. So you’ve mixed them according to geography?”

“Right. But that’s not all. We’ve also made sure to bring them together politically, economically, and ethnically. In each group there will be at least one laissez-faire capitalist and one left-leaning socialist. One centrist and one anarchist. One tenured faculty member and one who is non-tenured. One white, one Asian. A lumper and a splitter. A Catholic and a Protestant. Sikh and Hindu. Jew and jihadist. Social scientist and actual scientist. Vegetarian and anti-vegetarian. Introvert and extrovert. Isolationist and expansionist. Loved and unloved. Metaphysician and empiricist. Here, we will find a way to bring together the different dichotomies of the world — both true and tru ish — each of humanity’s myriad conflicts, into a tense but respectful homogeneity. With this, the cafeteria will be perfectly balanced. The groups will be demographically diverse yet united by a common mission. And in the name of accreditation they will sit with each other in cultural, economic, political, professional, and institutional harmony at their respective tables.”

“That should be interesting to observe. So then what? How are you going to entertain all these diverse groups?”

“This too has been carefully planned! As soon as they enter the cafeteria they will be accosted by the sweet strains of the Cow Eye jazz band and chamber orchestra playing familiar Christmas standards. We have asked the Esperanto club to sing holiday carols and so they have already started, I’m sure. In fact, if you listen closely you may even be able to hear them now…the mellifluous voices…the gleeful gaiety. ‘ Ĝi estas la sezono por esti gaja ….’ they are surely crooning to a rapt audience in the crowded cafeteria: ‘… Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ….’

“….la!”

“Right. And when they’re done Dr. Felch will come to the microphone and he will say…”

“…Is this thing on?!”

“Exactly! And then he will give some opening remarks — something about how all of us at Cow Eye Community College need to work together as a single unit, as a cohesive whole, to get through this fucking accreditation nonsense and that all of our efforts are for the benefit of our students. Of course the accreditors will still be there so he won’t use those exact words — and when he’s done he’ll introduce the accreditors themselves, who will present their findings from the week of intense scrutiny they’ve just enjoyed here on campus. I imagine they will want to sweeten the pill by starting with the positives….”

“The positives being our beautiful campus with its majestic fountains and carefully cut grass!”

“And its pelicans!”

“And don’t forget the many construction and reconstruction projects that we have underway!”

“And the ducks quacking!”

“…Exactly. And after all these commendations have been issued they will pause. And here they will grow serious. The mood in the cafeteria will change. Here things will become tense as the accreditors proceed to announce the findings of their visit. The deficiencies that they discovered. The grave institutional concerns. The inconsistencies. The worrisome trends….”

“The iambs!”

“Right. And after that they will thank us for hosting them this week and stand up from their chairs.”

“And then?”

“Well, and then the accreditors will quickly leave as a group for their bus, which will be waiting to whisk them away from Cow Eye Junction back to their own communities. They will leave as a group and now as the front door shuts behind them, the latch closing with a decisive click, everyone will breathe a deep sigh of relief.”

“And now?”

“Well, and now the formal portion of the festivities will begin, as always, with a benediction. At this the atheists will turn their backs; the agnostics will shrug their shoulders; and the Jews will feel a slight disturbance in the pits of their stomachs. But when it’s done the silent majority will look up from their prayer and with an utterance of “Amen!” the wet bar will be opened and the formal portion of our Christmas program can begin with the awards presentation….”

“Awards?”

“Yes. As you know, our society is thoroughly enamored of awards. Awards are more numerous than stars in the night sky, more countless than cockroaches behind the icemaker of our cafeteria. Awards are the straw that stirs the mixed drink of academe. It is the long needle that is threaded though the receptive heifer’s cervix and stabbed into her uterus so that new life can be conceived. Without awards, I dare say, there would be little to distinguish the worth of our contributions as academicians from those made by the maggots out back of our cafeteria.”

“Maggots perform an invaluable service to humanity!”

“As do academicians! And so we will conduct a comprehensive awards ceremony to recognize them.”

“The maggots?”

“The academicians! I doubt maggots require such things….”

“And then?”

“Well, and then people who value awards will learn of the new accolades and be justifiably impressed!”

“No, not that. We meant what is happening after the awards ceremony?” Raul checked his watch. “It’s getting late. The sun is beginning to set. Our award-winning peers are sitting in that cafeteria as we speak. So having finished that , what’s happening now?”

“After the awards ceremony comes the costume contest.”

“That sounds fun. Are you dressing up, Charlie?”

“Of course. I’ve got my outfit in the duffel bag in the trunk of our car.”

“And your costume is?”

“A sheriff!”

“A sheriff?!”

“Yes, from New Mexico!”

“And then? After the costume contest, what’s happening?”

“Next comes the exchanging of gifts.”

“Secret Santa?”

“Yes. And then the apple-bobbing and face painting. The mistletoe and dunking tank. The stocking stuffing. The pony rides. The piñatas. The kissing booth. The pie toss. The silent auction and charity raffle. Holiday-themed karaoke. Massage tables. The photo stand. Musical chairs to the patriotic strains of our national anthem….”

“And then?”

“Well, by now the party will be fully underway with most of the attendees having devoured their share of alcoholic drinks many times over. They have mingled with their peers and engaged in fuzzy dialectics. They have complimented each other on their costumes. They have no doubt helped themselves to the large bowl of barbiturates so that by now their muscles are relaxed, their minds cloudy, their defenses lowered. Despite their strong wishes to the contrary, our faculty and staff will find themselves sharing conversation with their worst enemies. The Buddhist and the gentile. The historian and the mathematician. Dreamer and empiricist. Liberal and conservative. Poet and professor. The Muslim, the Hindu and the Anglican will have no choice but to stare in loving admiration at the diverse ornaments depending from the all-inclusive Christmas tree. The generalist and the specialist will exchange hugs. The businessman and the metaphysician will shake hands in mutual respect. Even the secretaries from the competing academic departments will put aside their personal and professional enmities for the sake of yuletide harmony. Before long the cafeteria will join hands in a circle to sing Silent Night . By now, you see, everything has coalesced quite nicely. The diversity. The unity. The promise of a vanquished frontier. While the three of us sit here in this Oldsmobile, this dream of mine is coming together rather perfectly….”

My friends nodded again.

“Meanwhile,” I continued, “the break-out rooms will be heavily attended throughout the evening. In fact, these rooms will be as diverse as the human condition itself. In one there might be a tribute to campus artists and their works, while another could feature a display of animal husbandry. In one room there will be a hands-on demonstration of artificial insemination complete with cow in estrus and shoulder-length gloves. In another a lecture on Esperanto. In a third, a thought-provoking discussion of syllogistic fallacies. In a fourth room — a small conference room with poor lighting — a prominent literary agent will be conducting a workshop for our English faculty on the subtleties of query writing. There will also be seminars on estate planning. And a slideshow on the transcontinental railroad. Outside the cafeteria there will be ten rooms dedicated to the slaking of pent-up desire — quiet rooms equipped with candles and champagne and satin pillows where couples can break away from the festivities to explore their inner fantasies and desires. For obvious reasons these ten rooms will be heavily visited throughout the evening. And of course one of these ten rooms will be Room 2-C….”