Jonas Karlsson - The Room

I got no answer. The little girl just went on sucking the dummy. Her mother gave me a disapproving stare.

When I got home I leaned my briefcase against the wall. I tried lying down on the bed but I could feel how tense I was. And scared. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and it upset me. I felt pressure around my ankles and kicked my shoes off onto the floor. The seams of my socks had left marks on my skin.

I got up and turned on the television. I started watching a film with Harrison Ford fighting Russian terrorists. At the end of the film they were fighting by the open loading-ramp of a plane while it was in the air, which isn’t remotely realistic. So I switched it off and went out into the kitchen instead.

On the radio an actor was reading a novella he’d written himself. The story included a number, sixty-nine. The actor was claiming that it became ninety-six if you turned it round, which is obviously a total lie, and I suddenly felt how lonely it is, constantly finding yourself the only person who can see the truth in this gullible world.

I turned off the radio and went and stood by the window, looking out. The snow had turned to rain and for a moment I thought it might have leaked into the flat when I felt the first traces of wetness on my cheeks.

I hadn’t cried since junior school, and I didn’t like it. It was wet and messy. Crying is for weak people. Crying is a sign of not wanting to pull yourself together, and a way for people of low intelligence to get attention. Crying belongs to small children and onions.

But there was something different about this bout of crying. It was calm, factual crying. Good crying. Water cleansing the tubes, rather like clearing a gutter of leaves and pine-needles. A way to get rid of negative energy and make room for something better. It was as if I could feel all the improper thoughts flying away, and new ones taking their place. Better ones. A fresh start.

A new me.

For the first time I realised how oddly I had been behaving. My behaviour belonged in the madhouse. And that was where I would end up if I didn’t pull myself together.

Thinking about all the stupid things I had done and what they had led to gave me a headache. Going through the various events of the past weeks made me feel distinctly uncomfortable, as I realised how mistaken my behaviour had been in a whole series of different situations. I was forced to recognise my limitations, and it pained me.

Still, it was nice being able to think clearly for the first time in ages. And I realised that you have to live and learn.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Afterwards it felt good to have cried. As if I had once again got the better of myself and clambered another rung higher on the ladder of my personal development. How high can I get? If I carry on like this, who could possibly stop me?

I could easily have cried a while longer. Obviously I didn’t. I sat down at the kitchen table and thought through how to enact my return.

Karl looked up at me as if he’d seen a ghost in fake-leather shoes when I went into his office and stood in front of his desk with the new indoor shoes on.

‘Why are you late?’ he asked.

‘I overslept,’ I said.

Karl raised an eyebrow.

‘I’m very sorry,’ I went on. ‘I had trouble getting to sleep last night. I lay there thinking. Thinking about recent events. The things I’ve said and done, and so on. I suddenly seem to get ideas in my head, you see. So I’m lying there thinking about all that. As long as I get enough sleep, I can see it’s all nonsense. These past few weeks … Then this morning … Well, I just had to sort my head out a bit. I’ve had a lot of new things to try to take in recently.’

Karl nodded warily. I took a deep breath and went on.

‘I can see that I’ve been behaving oddly, and I’d like to do what I can to put right any problems I may have caused.’

Karl put his pen down on his desk and leaned back in his comfortable office-chair.

‘Björn, Björn, Björn,’ he said, as if he were talking to a small child.

‘And I understand that my actions have caused problems, not just for me but for you too, and I’d like to ask for your forgiveness. It was never my intention to cause trouble and bad feeling. I promise that from now on there won’t be any more of that nonsense.’

‘Sit down, Björn,’ Karl said, rolling round to the front of his desk.

I sat down on the uncomfortable little chair. Karl looked at me and I thought I could detect a crooked smile.

‘You’re an unusual person, Björn. I’m glad you’ve taken the time to think this through. Maybe it was worth a late start?’

‘Obviously, I’ll make up the time I’ve lost …’ I began, but Karl gestured dismissively with his hand.

‘Don’t worry about that, Björn. If we can get you sorted out, then this little break will have been entirely justified.’

He looked at my new indoor shoes and lit up. It was obvious that he liked what he saw.

‘They’re really nice,’ I said.

‘Aren’t they?’ Karl said with a smile.

‘Yes, that’s what I just said,’ I said.

He cleared his throat and turned serious again.

‘So are we agreed on the rules now, Björn?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

He leaned towards me.

‘And can we forget all about that room now?’

‘Of course,’ I said.

He looked at me and I realised that I ought to nod. I nodded.

‘Good,’ he said, and rolled back to the other side of the desk. ‘Good, Björn. No one will be happier than me if we can find a solution to this.’

‘I’m pleased,’ I said.

‘Yes,’ Karl said, and smiled again.

On my way to my workstation I tried to find someone to say hello to, but no one looked at me. Håkan was leafing through some papers and humming to himself. I sat down at my desk and switched the computer on.

Half an hour later I handed in a printout of the updated list of phone numbers. Karl raised his head and brightened up.

‘Excellent,’ he said.

He scratched his head and looked around, as if he were thinking. I stood in the doorway and waited. Most of the staff in the department had gone home for the day. I thought I might as well stay a bit longer.

‘Do you know what?’ he said after a few moments. ‘Tomorrow, could you put together a list of which projects have been quality assured and which ones haven’t? It would be good to have it on paper.’

I nodded.

‘You’ll be able to tell from where they’ve come if they’ve been checked or not.’

‘Of course,’ I said.

I returned to my place and sat down just as Håkan got up, put some documents in his bag, slung it over his corduroy jacket and disappeared without a word to me.

I logged in and got to work at once.

An hour or so later I decided to call it a day and go home too. I was almost on my own in the office. I turned the lamp off, gathered my coat and briefcase, went out to the lift and went straight down to reception. Without passing the room.

I slept relatively well that night. I slept the sleep that only someone who has been down at the bottom but is now on his way back up can sleep. The sleep of someone who recognises that an inferior position is a good position to attack from. The sleep of someone with a plan.

You don’t turn a river by abruptly trying to get it to change direction. You don’t have that much power. No matter how strong you are. The river will just overwhelm you and obstinately carry on pretty much as before. You can’t make it change direction overnight. No one can. On the contrary, you have to start by flowing with it.