Jewel Ann - Idle Bloom

An hour ago, a nurse called and said Caroline ate all her dinner after I left when the nurse told her I’d come back tomorrow, but only if she ate. Apparently, she hasn’t eaten in three days, so now I’m the saintly miracle worker. Fucking fabulous. Whatever, eat, taper off your meds, admit you fucked up, and face the consequences. Then accept we’re over and let me get the hell away from you.

The anger I have inside is brutal. For a while I thought it was fading, but seeing her today I realized it was just time and distance buffering my raw emotions. I didn’t recognize her and not just because she looks horrid from the meds, lack of sun, and ripping out half of her own hair. It was her eyes. There’s no life in them. It’s as if her body is a vessel with a heartbeat, but her soul is gone. I think that’s what happens when you take someone’s life. Maybe that’s what happens before you take their life. Everything good in you has to leave, and then you’re nothing but a human machine acting without emotion. At best, she’ll get rehabilitated enough to not want to kill herself or anyone else, but I don’t believe she’ll ever be able to love or have genuine emotions for another human ever again.

I’m staying in Doug and Lily’s walkout basement. One of the reasons I agreed to stay here is because there’s a separate kitchen and bathroom so I can avoid them for the most part. They, of course, were elated about the nurse’s call and offered one too many I-told-you-so looks for my taste. So now I’m waiting with impatient frustration for Vivian to call me. I’m already having withdrawals from her and I need to hear her soft voice filled with sexy seduction that makes me hard every time she says the words Oli or babe .

Me: Are you alone yet?

I wait a few minutes and just as I’m ready to send another message my phone chimes.

“You’re killing me.”

“Miss you too, babe.”

And … I’m hard.

“So how was your first day?”

“Amazing. Except I pressed pause instead of play on my recorder during my math class.”

“You recorded a math class?”

“No. Aren’t you listening? I tried to, but I didn’t get it recorded.”

I chuckle. “That’s what I meant. You tried to record a math class?”

“Yes, Alex! I record all my classes,” she says with mock annoyance.

“When do you have time to listen to them all again?”

“Duh … while I’m sleeping.”

“What are you wearing?”

“What?”

“You had an amazing day, you’ve reconfirmed your nerd girl status, enough pleasantries, now what are you wearing?”

“Your T-shirt.”

“Hmm … in the back of the closet are my dress shirts. Put one on then pull your hair up, get your black framed glasses and then bring your laptop to your bed and we’ll Skype.”

“Why—”

“Just do it.”

“Um … okay.”

I slip off my pants and shirt and lie back on my bed. A few minutes later her live picture appears on my screen. With one look I’m hard as a brick and I can tell this won’t last long.

Her grin is bright and huge. “I want to kiss the screen.”

“Me too. Unbutton the shirt.”

She scoots her computer off her lap onto the bed between her spread legs. Perfect! Her lips part and her tongue eases out to wet them as she works the last button. Alluring eyes look up at the screen through sexy glasses and a few strands of her hair hang down from the messy pile on top of her head. “Like this?”

I slide my hand down my briefs and fist my erection. Her eyes follow my hand then she looks back up in wide-eyed surprise.

“Let me see your breasts.”

She glances back down at the screen. I slide the front of my briefs down so she has a better view. I can see her breaths coming quicker, almost feel her nipples hardening, and I can definitely taste the slick sweetness between her legs. Vivian pulls the sides of my shirt back with slight hesitation until her perky breasts with pebbled nipples are fully exposed.

I swallow and wet my lips while my hand slides along my erection. “Vivian, how do you like me to touch you?”

She drops her chin to her chest and stares at herself. Then bright emeralds peer at me over black frames. I have to slow down my hand. The vision before me is college professor porn.

Vivian moves her hand to her stomach then eases it up to her breast like she’s touching herself for the first time. She looks down and squeezes it while drawing her thumb down over her nipple. Okay, I thought this was a good idea, but I was wrong. I want to crawl through the screen and devour her. This sucks … really, really sucks.

Her other hand does the same thing and when I see her eyelids close and fight to open again, I squeeze my hand and moan in both agony and pleasure. She bends her knees and spreads her legs wide.

My hand speeds up.

“See anything you like, Mr. Konrad?”

“Fuck, Vivian!”

“I miss your lips here. ” She slides her hand down her stomach and between her legs. “Mmm …” She moans and closes her eyes.

I’m so close.

“And I miss your tongue here .” She presses two fingers to her clitoris and moves them in slow circles. “Oh, Oli …” Each word is a drawn-out pant.

I slow down again and try to hold off, but it’s killing me. I close my eyes to let the tension ease a bit, but her soft pants and whimpers don’t allow much of a reprieve.

“Oli, don’t stop.”

I open my eyes to Vivian with one hand on her breast squeezing and tugging at her nipple and her other hand still low on her stomach. Her two fingers are alternately pulsing in rapid succession.

“Ol-Oli … oh God … Oliver!” she yells my name as her head falls back and her knees collapse together.

It only takes a couple more pumps before I release—stomach muscles tensing, teeth digging into my lower lip.

God, I love technology even if I hate missing her.

The days have blurred into weeks and I’m starting to wonder if time exists. Is anything changing or am I stuck in limbo where Vivian is busy with school and working a few hours a week at The Green Pot while I’m trying, with little success, to get Caroline to … what? That’s just it. I don’t have a damn clue. She may never get better. I think Doug and Lily are grasping for something that’s just an illusion—wishful thinking, but not reality.

I need to work, but not just for the money. I need to feel like I’m making a contribution and doing something more than watching Caroline eat dinner every night while chanting she loves me. Yes, that’s the new development. She loves me. It’s ridiculous, unbelievable, but mostly pathetic. Since I’ve been here those are the only three words she’s said to me. I think it’s the meds, but who knows and who really cares? Not me.

Her doctor is going to adjust her meds and get her back in therapy now that she’s showing improvement and isn’t suicidal any more. I’m not a doctor, but where he’s “seeing improvement” is beyond me. Improvement would be moving past her half-ass suicide attempts and just getting the job done. There’s no need for her to be using up air that other people could make better use of. Obviously the monster in me is still alive.

Visiting Sturgeon, Wallace, and Faye, the law firm I used to work at, was not on my Portland to-do list. Unfortunately, plans have changed. Valerie Wallace is due with twins next month and the other partners and myself were planning on absorbing her work load while she takes maternity leave. I’m sure my leaving has made the load that much heavier for Sturgeon and Faye.