Jewel Ann - Idle Bloom

I stop. “You’d better knock me off my feet because right now anything less than that isn’t going to work. I’m so sick of everyone making me feel like the pain in my heart caused by other people is somehow my own fucking fault. It’s not my fault I have this embarrassing, mauled skin on my back that makes me look like a mutant. It’s not my fault you have a wife and didn’t tell me. And it’s not my fucking fault Kai told everyone tonight!”

There’s an echo of several dogs in the neighborhood barking. I’m sure my outburst has riled them up.

“You’re right.” Oliver sighs with downcast eyes and a sullen face.

I wait.

Nothing.

“No.” I shake my head and start to brush past him. “Not good enough.”

“Wait.” He steps in front of me again.

I stare at his chest, clenching my jaw.

“I’m trying so hard not to regret my past, as awful as it’s been. But when I’m with you it’s so hard to do. I let my mind imagine a world where you’ve always been mine … a world where you don’t see your imperfections through his eyes, but your divine beauty through mine. Then I think of the pain that won’t go away … my pain, Caroline’s pain … Melanie’s pain. And I wonder if time was worth it. Can I be that person who doesn’t believe in divine purpose and meaning? Can I call fate bullshit and wish my child never entered this world because the pain with which she left it … left me is too great? I don’t know what to do with the pain and anger.” His voice breaks and so does my heart. “You’re the very best thing that’s happened at the very worst time. I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean and you’re my life raft, and sometimes I get so frustrated that we’re not making it to safety fast enough. I find myself blaming you for it, but it’s only because I fear my weight, the weight of my past, is going to take us both under.”

He cups my face with gentle, loving hands, and tilts my head up. “What if we’re sinking?”

I place my hands over his and close my eyes to the anguish etched in his face. “What if we’re not?”

I let him go back to Cambridge, not because I want to, just because I need time alone with my parents.

“Young lady, where have you—” My mom pauses as I close the front door and look at her with red swollen eyes.

“Can you just…” I wipe away my tears “…treat me like an adult for once. I need a friend more than a mom right now. So can you? Can you be both tonight?”

My dad hugs me and kisses the top of my head then does the same to my mom before going upstairs. She looks at me for a moment then nods and opens her arms. I fall into her embrace and weep. All of the emotions I can’t share with Oliver come pouring out—the fear that we could be sinking, the insecurity of knowing that he has a wife and it’s not me, the meaning of what I saw behind the locked door.

“You love him.”

I nod between sobs.

“Tell me about his wife.”

“I-I don’t know. They l-lost their b-baby and she went ins-sane or something.”

“Oh, Vivvy … he had a baby?”

I sniffle. “A daughter … Melanie.”

She leads me into the kitchen and I sit at the counter while she makes us tea. “He’s leaving his wife for you?”

I shake my head. “He filed for divorce before we met.”

“Why?”

I suck in a shaky breath. “That’s just it. I don’t know and I’m so afraid to ask.”

“Does he see her much?”

“She’s in Portland. That’s where they moved after he graduated from Harvard.”

She hands me a cup of tea and sits across from me. “What happened to Melanie? SIDS?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t found the courage to ask him. But I have this very unsettling feeling it wasn’t SIDS.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know it’s just a … feeling.”

“Can I give you some advice as both your mother and a friend?”

I nod.

“Ask what you need to ask and decide sooner verses later if you can make the time and emotional investment in Oliver and his past. You have two years left of school and I’d hate to see anyone or anything derail your dreams.”

I grimace. “Yeah, about that …”

Oliver

Ioffered to stay, but she told me to go. Leaving felt cowardly, like I was abandoning her in the middle of a huge mess. Kai has impeccable timing. Of course I know it’s not fair to blame him for the timing of his sister’s death, but nonetheless it dragged Vivian away on my birthday. His announcing my wife to her family on her birthday … unforgivable. He must like having my fist stamped on his face. Dear God I hope Vivian is too smart to give him another chance.

“What’d you think of her parents?” my dad asks as we row along the river just after sunrise.

I grunt as my oars grab the water. “I like them. They’re a little overprotective, but I suppose that’s to be expected since she’s an only child.”

“Yeah, that and I’m sure they feel responsible for her burn accident. Every parent feels responsible for what happens to their children even if they have no control over it.”

I nod but don’t respond.

“Shit! Oliver, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“No, it’s fine. I … I know what you mean.” I stop for a moment and sigh. “It’s probably about time for me to stop expecting everyone to act like my life in Portland didn’t exist. Vivian knows part of it and when she gets home later I’m going to tell her the rest.”

“Oliver that’s … Have you talked to your mom about this?”

I shake my head. “I trust Vivian. I don’t need Mom to tell me if or how to tell her. This is something I have to do by myself.”

“What about Caroline?”

I shrug, trying to dismiss the tensing hatred that takes over my body every time her name is mentioned. “What about her?”

“You’re still married to her. Responsible for her.”

We pull the boat out of the water. “No, I’m not. She’s Doug and Lily’s problem, not mine.”

“Oliver—”

“The papers have been filed, and it’s just a matter of time before it’s official.”

“You loved her once.”

“Dad! I’m not doing this with you!” I slam my oars in the boat.

He rests his hand on my shoulder. “I just want you to be prepared for the unexpected. You’re a lawyer. I shouldn’t have to tell you that circumstances can change.”

Resting my hand on my hip, I look at my feet and nod with a sigh. “I know.”

From my dad’s lips to my life, what are the chances? There’s a message on my phone after I get out of the shower. Doug Welch, my soon-to-be ex-father-in-law wants to talk to me. He has a favor , but he wants to talk in person, as if I have time to fly across the country on a whim. Not happening. I delete the message.

Vivian will be back in a few hours. That gives me a small window in which to get my shit together. I promised her answers and that’s what she’s going to be expecting. The door upstairs has to be opened and I need to face my fears … face my reality. The problem is I can’t get the sound of Doug’s voice and his message out of my head. What’s his favor? Why does he think we have to talk in person?

It may only be nine in the morning, but I think this day calls for an exception so I grab a beer. Three beers later I pour a glass of Jack and head upstairs. Inverting the cobalt vase, I wait for the key to fall out. Nothing. Where the hell is the key? I try to turn the knob, but it’s locked so I bang on the door … The door that I’ve not wanted to open, until now. I step back and kick it, but it doesn’t budge. It’s possible the alcohol is robbing my strength or my common sense.