Rob Doyle - This is the Ritual

That night scared me. I had the realisation — right there on that slope of grey sand by the Thames — that there was no getting away from the Turk, I mean the Turk inside, the inner Turk. Things had to change or I was fucked. I could be a waster no longer, the humiliation was too severe. It took some time, a few years I mean, but eventually things started coming together. Then, for a dark and frightening period, there was the cocaine instead of mephedrone, and all that led to, the regressions and setbacks — but that’s another story, or I can’t be bothered to tell it.

And so here I am, still working hard — too hard, I sometimes think, even my manager says I should take things a little more lightly — up in my office on the twenty-eighth floor, right bang in the City. It’s still a struggle, I take one day at a time. I don’t like to think about that other period of my life, but it comes back at night when I can’t sleep, or early in the morning, before my first double espresso.

As for her. . I only saw her once after that — my breakdown or epiphany or whatever you want to call it. I was still fairly frail at that time, shaky. I’d lost the restaurant job, had no money, had fallen out of contact with Celak — I was basically litter on the breeze, too weak for life. I was sitting on a bench in Hyde Park. It was a summer’s day, I forget why I was there, possibly no reason, just sitting and waiting. I looked up and saw her walking towards me along the pathway, it was too late to get up and scurry away. Beside her was a man — one of those bulging, all-in-black, fashion-beard guys with sunglasses, from Italy or the Middle East, wherever. I mean someone who was in love with himself, and you could tell right off that his phone cost twice your yearly salary. It was an awful moment. I shrank into the bench, hands in pockets, praying to God she wouldn’t stop and talk, just walk on and pretend she didn’t see me. But then she did walk on — and she’d seen me alright, I caught the moment of confusion and dismay on her face before she averted her eyes — and it was the most crushing, humiliating thing I’d ever experienced, like being informed I had a terminal sex disease or I was a leper. They walked away. I looked up when they were twenty yards on — she was under his wing, that rippling, designer-labelled hulk of muscle and self-worth. I stayed there on the bench, on my own. It occurred to me that there was no one, not a single person in this whole city, who I wanted to talk to at that moment, despite the suicidal loneliness. I stayed sitting there on the bench as the park slowly emptied out, and grey clouds drifted in across the sun, chasing away the warmth. Then the day was gone and all the people had left, just a few pigeons shuffling about. Finally the man with the green uniform and the rubbish-prong came and told me to go home, or move away, or get lost, I don’t really remember exactly.

What follows has only the most oblique and tenuous of claims to fictionality, being an email, transcribed from memory, sent to me by an Irish friend I met while travelling in India several years ago. Though the original is no longer in my inbox, having no doubt fallen victim to one of my periodic, over-vigorous purges, P. Cranley’s strange last email, which I received in late 2010 or early 2011 and read a great many times, remains fresh in my mind. Its fractured and torrential cadences still haunt me, as does the memory of Cranley himself — a generous, likeable man who exuded the unmistakable aura of being both doomed and psychotic. If I have not achieved here a verbatim transcription of the email, I have come close to it. Cranley never responded to any of my subsequent attempts to contact him. In all probability he is now dead .

From: P. Cranley

To: Robert Doyle (No Subject)

4:32am

i did what i said i got out of st patricks hospital i came to america. my ma keeps emailing DONT DO IT WE LOVE U and da as well WHATEVER HAPPENED TO U WEELL FIX IT but i have to meet the angel. i know u laugh but only transcendent presence can save u me or anyone. u must embrace it. have u done so

let me tell u i

i came here 2 san francisco i checked into v cheap & v grimy hotel on colombus street which is bad-energy area where u will find titty bars. d guidebook say ‘this area is OK by day but can be dangerous at night when it is often d site of drug deals and also cannibal hordes roam freely feasting on christians and yes d policemen have red SATAN eyes and truncheons of fire. with d truncheons they impale u anally in their HQ which is d COCK FORTRESS.’ but i stay in at night i pray i write i have to meet the angel at 3 am tomorrow thursday out at d panhandle. this is dark strip of grass and benches where homeless wander nocturnally with shopping trolleys stocked 4 d coming holocaust. i pray i write i reread d lives of saints. st teresa of avila her story is my own. tears of fire 2 cleanse us of sin. but at night now she comes 2 me and whispers DESPAIR CHIL’’, THE SKY IS A DESERTED QUARRY OR A FAMISHED MOUNTAIN THE LORD IS A CRIPPLE HE HATES US ALL. i cry i scream LIES but d other guests shout through d walls in spanish or gigolo & d manager pounds on door sayin QUIET OR U GET THE HELL OUT i know he is a denizen of d Foul Realm but i am protected in d ring of light holy light. embrace d lord in yr heart.

everything has changed

i need to explain all 2 u. starting. only with d force of god i could walk out of that so-called hospital ie ‘loony bin’ (prison of light. black cage of spirit. . bureaucrats of d abyss) i came to san francisco like i said to meet d angel. of mercy of truth. . o holy fire. & yesterday i went down to castro where d homosexuals congregate i roared BROTHERS I LOVE U AALL BUT FEAR THE FLAME. . D LORD WILL SPEAK AND HIS VOICE IS FLAME & U WILL TREMBLE & REPENT. YES. TO LUV A MAN IS NOT A SIN BUT IT IS A TRANSGRESSION I TOO HAVE MY SINS BUT I ACCEPT D LORD INTO MY HEART. D RECKONING IS AT HAND & they were all laughing and i wasnt d only 1 naked there was 1 homosexual male in cowboy hat & nothing else he tried to dance with me while other homosexuals clapped & cheered. i felt ridiculed i pulled on ‘pants’ AKA trousers and ran away. . angel will protect me i felt strong and elated & ran to haight. nearby a music festival ie. gathering of dark shamans/infiltration of d invader force. but it was ok until i see this hippy ie ‘human wreckage’ with a sign held up saying MELT ME. that i could not handle i ran to d end of haight every1 deformed every1 doomed the armpit of the earth i came to golden gate park at the end of haight/hate & sat & cried. overcome i was d universal sorrow. could not stop crying. like FATHER WE ARE SCREAMING COME TAKE US AWAY OUR EARTH IS FALLING THROUGH SPACE & SHAMANS MASSED IN LEGION FROM D FOUL REALM R POISED TO OVERRUN BUT I HAVE NO FEAR OF D COMING WAR IF U LUV ME DO U LUV ME d hippies gathered around & took pity but i can see these are d broken children/orphans of d american wilderness d broken west i see them all marching into d ocean or a JAW in d sky. they have no teeth & crackhead mothers tried to abort them & now they smoke chillum & pray to universal spirit or ganesh or vishnu or shiva but i was frighten they had been duped n under d sway of d dark shamans from d far side of d universe where hate is d only law & cruelty d only science (vast technologies shown 2 me by d angel. . planet systems wholly of prison torture experiment/entire races engineered & raised captive only purpose as subjects of torture. they have elongated life & amplified nervous systems x1000000000 sole purpose is 2 feel agony) all of this is real

then d hippies were laughing to themselves while i was sitting there crying & 1 of them says to me HEY MAN WHAT U NEED IS SOME SHROOMS they all laughed & i knew they were conspire but then i look up & 1 hippy girl she was smiling at me benign smile i knew she was different she was beautiful & then i knew ‘it is a sign!’ she was d angel or a human bodiment of d angel 2 guide me through d utter chaos. calm i put out my hand n d hippy reached out & put d mushrooms in it i ate them. d other hippies were laughing & watching like v curious & then d shroom guy took out more i ate them & then d other hippies weren’t laughing & 1 says SHIT MAN, THATS 2 MUCH HE IS GONNA TWEAK. . YR A FUCKIN ASSHOLE & i felt fear. i start 2 panic but i thought ‘look 4 d angel’ so i looked up into crowd of hippies 4 d radiant girl but she was gone. & now i felt pure alone like had been duped & she was not d angel she was a trickster 4 d dark shaman. d other faces crowded around sneering & deformed. i screamed WHAT DID U GIVE ME WHAT HAVE I EATEN U CUNT i leapt i claw his face he screaming & blood flow i scream U DARK SHAMANS D LORD WALKS WITH ME I HAVE NO FEAR & put my finger in his eye. in d commotion i run so fast away from d park i kept running till they gone behind me. already i could feel d alien presence in my system this was d mushroom i knew it was Malign Presence i was crying 2 d angel ‘PLEASE BE WITH ME NOW THIS IS MY TRIAL’ i ran 2 a place called buena vista park a big mountain in d city. ran up d side of d mountain & all around me were screaming devils & d sky was a holocaust. i saw now that nature was a virus from d FOUL REALM and d virus has spread to everything. this was a revelation. nature not benign: d trees grass sky insects birds & animals r all manifestations of d FIEND & d FIENDs body is nature itself. i was in horror. nowhere 2 escape 2. i knew despair because i reached d top of d mountain & no one around & thick fog came rolling in across d bay i saw it swarm over d land & cover everything i saw d earth swallowed up in fog i screamed now i knew i had been fool all along. d great war 4 d earth is not to come IT ALREADY HAPPENED WE R LIVING IN D FOUL REALM. . IT IS CALLED NATURE. . WE LIVE IN D BODY OF SATAN i fell on d ground & cried i thought ‘i am abandoned for ever in d body of satan’ a dog came to me he lick my face i try to annihilate him i punch his face he shrieked & run he is 1 manifestation of d FIEND & i howled and screamed & then d vision overwhelmed. . planet in space. planet/Gaia is Satan & conscious & we are his serfs god is defeated & crushed & great war will never come we r lost. r future is 2 be engineered ie. earth as infinite suffering realm ie. warfare/torture/screaming 4ever 2 feed d power of Satan