Mira Jacob - The Sleepwalker's Guide to Dancing

“We should go in,” Amina said as the song ended.

Akhil slipped the key out of the ignition, and they walked to the door slowly, taking their time to cross the driveway, to step around mounds of yellow leaves instead of right through them, as though being careful might grant them a reprieve from whatever was waiting behind the front door. When he reached it, Akhil waited for Amina to catch up before reaching for the handle. It opened without them. Their mother looked at them, her eyes and nose soggy shades of pink. They waited for her to say something.

“The Salem house burned down.”

“What?” Amina was the first to get her bearings.

It had been three years since they left Salem that horrible morning, but Ammachy’s house lived on in her mind, the Wall as irrefutable as the Himalayas.

Kamala nodded. “A few hours ago. We just got word.”

“Burned down?” Akhil asked. “Like, it’s gone ?”

Kamala’s face trembled a little.

“But how did it—” Akhil started, and his mother waved him silent. A horrible grimace kept penetrating the surface of her face and then getting sucked back in, as if through sheer force of will. Amina watched this happen a few times before her head seared open with a terrible clarity.

“Did Ammachy die?” she asked.

Her mother nodded.

“What about Sunil Uncle?” Akhil asked.

Kamala nodded again.

“Divya?” Amina asked, wishing her mother would stop nodding. “Itty?”

Kamala exhaled a shaky breath. “Gone.”

Gone. Amina turned around and looked at the car and then back at her mother, whose shoulders trembled as if it were cold outside. Mittack .

“Fuck,” Akhil said.

Kamala pulled back the door farther to reveal Thomas curled over the dining room table like a question mark, his head in his hands.

“Go,” she urged.

They walked to their father. Even from a distance they could see the grief radiating from him. He was thumbing through an old photo album, the one that held the pictures of him and Sunil Uncle when they were kids. Amina knew the album by heart: her father as a fat baby with a thin string tied around his waist; Sunil riding a three-wheel bicycle around a pomegranate tree barely bigger than she; Ammachy and Appachen, two years before her grandfather’s heart attack, standing in front of the curving hood of an old Ambassador; Ammachy standing alone on the verandah, smiling in a way Amina had never seen in real life. It was this photo that he stopped at, working it gently from the yellowed corners that held it to the page. He lifted it close to his face.

“Hey,” Akhil said. Thomas looked up, his eyes riddled with pink. Amina couldn’t recall the last time she had seen her father in daylight hours, but here he was, clutching at the dining table with his enormous grief and aching face.

“Sorry,” Akhil said. Amina repeated the word, which felt stupid and scary at the same time, too adult, too full of nothing.

“You don’t remember that day.” Thomas looked back at the photo.

“No.” Akhil breathed tight, feathery breaths, his lower lip glistening with spit.

Their father’s face contorted, as though this were a new tragedy.

“What day was that, Thomas?” Kamala asked in the tone she used when the children were injured or sick.

“The first day the clinic opened. She was just thirty-three.”

Ammachy wore a sari, probably colored, but starkly black in the picture. She also wore pearl earrings, gold bracelets, and a braid wound with jasmine, but none of her adornments measured up to the wide arc of her lips, the even edges of her teeth hinting at a full smile like the glow of light before sunrise. Behind her, the Salem house rose up gloriously. The verandah gleamed, its walls as white as new paper. A tiny trail of light in the hallway led back to what would later become Itty’s room.

Itty’s room. Amina’s eyes fixed on the dark hallway. Was Itty in his room when it happened? Had he heard the fire coming for him? Had he tried to escape?

She must have made a noise. Kamala came up, hugging her from behind.

“Burned?” Amina said, the word aloud unhinging whatever it is in humans that keeps them standing upright and balanced. She chattered and tilted to the side a little. “Are you sure?”

“Koche!” Kamala squeezed hard. A warning.

Amina twisted her head around to look at her mother. “Itty was on fire ?”

“ Chi! Amina!” Kamala grabbed her face, squeezed her mouth shut. “Don’t say such things!”

Akhil swayed a little on his feet, pale. He took a step toward the stairs. “I need to go lie down.”

“Yes. Fine,” Kamala said, pushing Amina after him. “Both of you go. We will call you for dinner.”

Akhil headed immediately upstairs, but Amina could not move. The roof, hot with tar. The smell of the cows, street fires. Itty, crying on the lawn, clutching his bare feet. She looked at Thomas. He did not look back at her, or even at the picture in front of him, but into the boundless middle distance, a flat plane that did not intersect with any other member of the family.

“Are you going to go back?” she asked, and he flinched.

“Of course he’s going back,” their mother said, and with this, Thomas’s chin began to tremble in a way that made Amina look up and down, anywhere else, so she sensed, rather than saw, how Kamala drew closer, how some part of her must have touched him to release a jag of sobs. When Amina finally looked over, her father’s arms were wrapped tightly around her mother’s waist, his head pressed deeply into her belly.

The stairs. She had found her way to the stairs. She walked up them needing to stop the flood of images her mind seemed intent on retrieving. The halo of peeling paint around the dining room chandelier. The record spinning on the turntable. Sunil’s wrists floating in air as he danced. Mittack. Mittack. Mittack .

“Akhil?”

Her brother’s door was closed. Amina put her ear to the wood, listening. Was he crying? He would kill her if she opened the door and he was. She twisted the handle and looked inside.

Akhil was on the bed, facedown. He hadn’t even bothered to take off his Adidases.

“Hey,” she said. When her brother did not answer, she tiptoed into the room. She stood by the bed, watching his back rise and fall in a deep, steady rhythm.

“You’re asleep?” she asked, ignoring the obvious.

She didn’t want to be alone. She didn’t want to sit in her room or even shut her eyes. How could he sleep right now? How could he just turn off like that? Amina stood over her brother, fury rising. Something was wrong with him. She undersood this suddenly, with the same conviction she would understand other strange truths later in life — that Dimple needed her more than she needed Dimple, that her parents’ fight was about America, not Monica. Sure, Akhil could talk about whether or not Indians were second-class citizens in the Western world, and how big government was the only recourse for marginalized people, but when something big happened, something so big that neither of them would ever be able to think of India without their own hearts splintering, he bailed. Left. Went out like a fucking light.

“Wake up, asshole,” she said, crying now because there was no one left to talk her away from the conversation that had started in her mind, the one that she had imagined she would have had the next time she saw Itty, which wasn’t much of a conversation anyway, just some sort of weird shared understanding of how it was to always be outside of everything, even your own family, waiting to be seen. She sat on Akhil’s bed and put her head between her knees as blood and the roar of what had been lost filled her ears.