Catherine O'Flynn - News Where You Are

The door opened and Frank quickly turned his face away. ‘Oh bloody hell.’

Andrea looked at the man who had just entered and now stood at the counter.

Frank hissed, ‘Will he see me?’

Andrea looked at him as if he was mad. ‘Course he’ll see you; there’s no one else in here. Who is he?’

At that they heard a high-pitched, ‘I don’t belieeeeeeve it!’

Frank looked up and feigned surprise. ‘Oh, Cyril. Hello there. I didn’t see you come in.’

Cyril walked over, carrying a cup of brown liquid. Frank hadn’t actually seen Cyril in person since their first encounter at the studio years before. Since then all communication had been conducted by phone or email. Frank watched him as he approached and had to conclude that the intervening years hadn’t been so kind to Cyril. He looked markedly more haggard than Frank remembered and he had allowed his grey hair to grow long and lank over his collar. He had, though, remained faithful to the Reactolite glasses and leather blouson jacket, but the current one was so stiff and new that it looked as if it was wearing him.

‘As I live and breathe! Frank Allcroft in the flesh. This is a rare privilege indeed.’

Frank smiled weakly. ‘Good to see you, Cyril.’

‘The pleasure’s all mine, sir, all mine. I’d come to think of you only as a voice at the end of the phone, or a face upon the flickering screen, but here you are, well and truly alive.’

‘Just about, yes.’

Cyril laughed. ‘Just about! Just about! I like that. Oh yes. It’s the best any of us can say.’ He turned now to Andrea. ‘Aha — and this would be the old trouble and strife, then, would it? The ball and chain? Eh?’

Andrea gave Cyril an icy stare. ‘My name’s Andrea. You must be the man who makes Frank pay for bad jokes.’

Cyril hooted at that. ‘Oh my goodness, Frank. You’ve got a live one there! Bad jokes? Is that what he tells you?’ Then a look of concern crossed his face. ‘Frank, is that what you tell her?’

Frank shook his head vigorously.

Cyril continued to look at him. ‘You’ve told her about Big Johnny Jason? Paddy “Sure I’m only having you on!” O’Malley?’

Frank pretended to try to remember. ‘I’m sure I did, Cyril.’

‘You have at least told her about You Gotta Laugh .’

Frank nodded. ‘Yes, I definitely told her about that.’

Cyril grinned and turned back to Andrea. ‘That’s all right, then. I wouldn’t want you to think I had no credentials. Worked with some of the best, I have, and I’d put your husband here amongst them.’

Cyril looked at the fourth empty chair bolted to the table. ‘Mind if I join you?’

‘Be our guest,’ said Frank. ‘We have to get off in a minute anyway.’

As Cyril sat down, Frank thought he detected a whiff of whiskey.

‘And is this one of your fellow TV presenters, Frank?’ asked Cyril, looking at Mo. Mo grinned broadly. ‘Yes, I think I’ve seen her saying very important things about the economic downturn.’

Frank said, ‘This is my daughter, Mo.’

Cyril held out his hand and shook Mo’s hand very formally.

‘It’s an honour to meet you.’

Mo smiled. ‘Hello.’

He carried on shaking her hand: ‘Mo. Mo. That’s an interesting name. I used to know a fella called Mo. He had an unusual surname, though. What was it now? Oh, that’s right: Thelawn! Mo Thelawn — great chap he was — very green fingered.’

Mo was delighted by this and chuckled into her glass of pop.

Frank watched with disbelief as Cyril gulped down the blisteringly hot coffee without the least sign of discomfort.

‘So what are you doing in town today anyway, Cyril?’

‘Oh, you know, this and that. A trip to the library to catch up with the papers. I get a lot of material that way. I like to have a few gags on current affairs always on the boil should I need them — sometimes these TV shows call you up last minute needing a few one-liners and it’s boom ! We need ’em now! So you’ve gotta be prepared. It’s a tricky job, though, doing it in the library — sometimes I get a bit too tickled by the gags and start laughing away and the librarians don’t like that at all.’ He turned to Mo and said. ‘Talking of libraries, do you know what my favourite book is, Mo?’

Mo shook her head.

‘Ooh, I’d sincerely recommend it. It’s called the The Dangerous Rocky Cliffs by Eileen Dover.’

Mo nodded and Cyril stared at her intently.

‘Cliffs. Dangerous Rocky Cliffs . Eileen Dover. Do you get it? Eileen Dover and I leaned too far — aaaaaah, splat!’

Mo was perfectly still for a moment and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Cyril turned to Andrea. ‘I hope I didn’t offend you with my joshing earlier. I’m afraid my mouth gets me into trouble sometimes — the brain’s firing off so quick that I don’t get time to run it past the censors before it comes out of my big trap. I didn’t mean anything by it. Frank always speaks very highly of you.’

As far as Frank was aware, he’d never once mentioned Andrea to Cyril.

Andrea smiled. ‘It’s all right, Cyril, no offence taken.’

‘It’s just I’d hate for us to get off on the wrong foot. Frank keeps my stuff alive out there and I’m very appreciative to him for that. Just as I was with Phil. Did you know I worked with Phil Smethway?’

Andrea nodded. ‘Yeah, I think Frank mentioned it.’

‘Yes, Phil and I went back a way. I was just a spotty kid helping out at the radio station when I first met him. He saw something in me — heard me making a few cracks to the receptionist there one day and told me if I had any more like that I should take them to him. I’d always had lots of jokes — they’d just pop into my head when I was supposed to be doing something else. So I started giving Phil a few gags each week and he’d give me a few bob for them. It all started from there.

‘Course Phil moved on, but he never forgot an old mate. In latter years he couldn’t use my material, you see. He had no choice. They had the top writers in the game working on his lines and he couldn’t use other sources, even though I know he wanted to. I’d still mail him the odd gag now and again — you know, just for old time’s sake, and he’d always take the time to send a thanks, but they were never used. I’d watch his show every week and sometimes I’d be sure one of mine was coming up, but it never did. To be honest, I couldn’t see that the gags he was using were any better.’

Frank could definitely smell whiskey now.

‘Did I tell you, Frank, that I had the privilege of bumping into Phil in London just before his tragic end? A city like that and we just bumped into each other. You know — of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world. Unbelievable, isn’t it?’

Mo now turned to Frank. ‘What’s a tragic end?’

Frank didn’t want Mo upset. ‘We’re just talking about Phil. “Tragic end” is just an expression — it just means we’re sad that he died.’

Frank wanted to change the conversation but Cyril continued before he had a chance.

‘Sad indeed. He was one of the greats and look at the way he ended up. You can never tell what’s going on in here.’ He tapped his head.

Frank frowned. ‘What do you mean? What was going on in there?’

‘I don’t know — that’s my point — you can never tell.’ He looked at Mo and grinned. ‘I do beg your pardon, Mo — talking about such gloomy things. This is the problem when you get old. Happens to the best of us. Just like my good mate Gerry. Gerry Atric — ooh you should see him trying to cross the road now.’ Cyril mimed a palsied old man and Mo once again was reduced to helpless giggles. He stood up suddenly. ‘Well, anyway, I shall love you and leave you. It’s been a great pleasure to meet you, Andrea and Mo. Mo I shall be looking out for you on the television — and, Frank, I’ll speak to you later in the week.’ He paused for a moment and his face was serious again. ‘Actually, Frank, I was wondering if you might have time to meet up one day — just the two of us. I don’t want to bore the ladies here with business.’