Andrea Barrett - The Middle Kingdom

‘You are sick,’ Dr Yu said. ‘Oh, this is all my fault. I have taken you outside too soon.’

‘I’m just hungry,’ I said. I ducked my head between my knees. ‘I think.’

‘I should not have asked you,’ Dr Yu said. ‘Forget Zaofan.’

‘It’s not that,’ I said. ‘I’m glad you asked.’ I thought of Rocky, his gentle hands and the lilt of his voice and the drawings I’d tucked in my purse. ‘Show to Walter?’ he’d said; I’d forgotten completely. Where was my purse? I’d had it at the hospital; I thought I’d seen Dr Yu pick it up. With any luck it was back at the hotel.

‘We have to go,’ I said.

‘Of course.’ She led me to the platform, where a small crowd waited to ride down. They gaped at us as we spoke in English.

‘Why do you want him to leave?’ I said. ‘Your oldest son …’

‘It’s hard to think about,’ she admitted. ‘But I know it is best for him. Anything could happen here again. And already he has begun to forget what the bad years are like. He made some of those dazibao , those posters, that the students put up on Democracy Wall. That wall is covered now with advertisements for soap and cosmetics and refrigerators, but people remember these things. Some of his friends were arrested then, and his name is known. And Zaofan has no caution — this business of his, these things he wants … he does well now. But who is to say what comes next?’

We got on a chair and began our ride down, once again greeting the couples who passed us on their way up. Far away, beyond the green park, three smokestacks belched black clouds. We sat silently for a while, and then I said, ‘What about you? Maybe you should come — you could study with Walter. Or with someone like him.’

Dr Yu shook her head. ‘It would be hard for me to get permission,’ she said. ‘I was classified as a “stinking ninth element” — an intellectual — also as the daughter of one and the wife of another. Even though Meng and I have been officially rehabilitated, I think I would still have problems. And also I would not want to go. This is my home. Did you notice, at the conference, how you have seen old and young scientists but none your age?’

I hadn’t, but I realized she was right. The scientists I’d seen with Walter had all been Dr Yu’s age and older, or almost absurdly young.

‘All the people your age had to do other things,’ she said. ‘When the schools were closed. I have students now, finally, and so has Meng. We have work to do, so we stay. But Zaofan — oh, Zaofan is young. He has his whole life before him.’

I didn’t tell her about the drawings; of course I didn’t tell her about the cab. I prayed that I hadn’t spoken of Rocky during my stay in the hospital. ‘Let me see what I can do,’ I said, and for the rest of our ride down the peak, swaying gently in our fragile chair above the scarred, eroded earth, I sat silently and let the air flow into my newly healed lungs. I thought about my mother-in-law embroidering pew cushions in the Fargo airport: For nothing is secret , she’d patiently stitched. Nothing is hid that shall not be known. The wind played delightfully with my new short hair.

Walter was waiting for us when we returned. We walked into the hotel room and there he was: shoes off, feet on the bed, looking happier than he’d looked in years. I smiled at him; I had so much to say. But we were not alone.

Lou, the CAST guide I thought we’d shed a week ago, stood near the doorway and nodded coolly when we came in. He seemed unhappy that Dr Yu was with me; he placed his hand on her elbow and started whispering fiercely to her in Mandarin. She pulled her arm away and glared at him, all the good humor she’d gained on the mountain vanishing from her face. The hotel manager stood behind Lou, listening to the conversation and grinning in embarrassment. In the soft tan chairs Dr Yu had admired sat the people with whom Walter had traveled: Katherine Olmand and a fair young man with a bushy gold moustache, whom I had seen often during the conference but never met. Someone had opened the windows and the smell of flowers filled the room.

‘Grace,’ Walter said. ‘Welcome back. This is Quentin Bradley, the limnologist we’ve been traveling with.’

I caught the ‘we,’ and my smile faded as I tried to read what was going on in that room. Something; something that had to do with Katherine and Quentin and Walter traveling for seven days without me. I was tasting the air and the taste was sharp and strong.

Walter didn’t rise to greet me and Katherine stared at me, frankly curious, which made me wonder what Walter had told her. For an instant I saw myself through her eyes, heard how Walter might describe me in an unguarded moment. My wife doesn’t understand me ; the old plaint of married men. We used to work together, but now she doesn’t even know what I do. She’s let herself go. She’s not interested in me. Once she bit a colleague’s hand. He wouldn’t have told her how, during our early years, we had driven to New Hampshire and North Carolina and the Blue Ridge Mountains, bound by the plants and animals we examined into something which was, if not love, at least a pleasant companionship. He and I had parted on distinctly bad terms, and he might have told Katherine anything. Had, probably; but I was just as guilty as him. I had told Dr Yu things that would have shamed him, and the fact that I’d done so in my sleep was no excuse.

I reminded myself that Walter had no way of knowing what had happened to me or how I was feeling now, and I forced myself to smile at him and to greet Katherine and Quentin. Then I turned to Lou, who was still snapping at Dr Yu. ‘What’s the problem?’ I asked.

Lou bit off his last phrase and then looked at me, his face completely expressionless. ‘This esteemed scientist and her husband have been most thoughtful,’ he said. ‘Supervising your care. But now you are well, and returned to your husband. It is preferred that she leave now.’

Dr Yu and I looked at each other and I picked up the stack of pink soaps that she’d left on the table earlier. ‘Preferred by whom?’ I said. The hotel manager shifted uneasily and fixed his eyes on the floor.

Lou lowered his eyes. ‘Simply … preferred,’ he said. ‘Her work duties no doubt are calling.’

‘No doubt yours are as well,’ I said. I had had enough of Lou; I filled his hands with the bars of soap and eased him toward the door. ‘For your family,’ I said, when he stared at the soaps in surprise. ‘Thank you for all your help. Dr Yu has scientific matters to discuss with my husband, and she’ll be staying here for a while. Thank you for your concern.’

I shut the door behind him and turned back to the company. No one was smiling except Dr Yu. ‘See what I mean?’ she said, and then she shrugged and moved closer to Walter and welcomed him back from his trip. This was the first time they’d spoken face to face since their disastrous meeting at the banquet, and I was impressed by her calmness and poise. She waited politely for Walter to introduce her to his friends, and Walter flashed me the signal we’d used for years at cocktail parties: left forefinger rubbed on the skin just in front of his left ear. Help , that meant. Help me out here.

I couldn’t believe he’d forgotten. He’d met Dr Yu at the banquet; he’d left me in her care. Now he couldn’t remember her given name. ‘Dr Olmand,’ I said, as smoothly as I could. ‘Dr Bradley. Let me introduce a colleague of yours — Dr Yu Xiaomin, lake ecologist from Qinghua University.’

Walter’s face relaxed. ‘Dr Yu and her husband took care of Grace while she was sick,’ he said. ‘Her husband’s on the staff at the main hospital here. They’ve been very generous.’