Ma Jian - Red Dust

I put up with her bites and pinches. After all, what kind of girl can you hope to find in this mixed-up country? Clever girls are too busy opening restaurants and trying to make money. University graduates expect their men to be like the heroes in romantic novels who explore the wilds of Tibet. All the nice girls are in the countryside, but when they move to the cities they are too preoccupied with the cosmetics counters to have any time for you. Xi Ping was different though. She liked music and art, and her classical Chinese was better than mine. We both liked the colour brown and shared a recurring dream of being chased by a huge rock while our feet were glued to the ground. And neither of us liked to wash — we would only visit the public showers once a month.

I could take her anywhere and she would never complain. Once we were stuck on a hill after dark, so we just lay on the ground and waited for dawn to break. If she saw me lower my paintbrush and stare into space, she would write messages to me on her hand: ‘I do exist you know’, ‘Hemingway topped himself in the end’ or ‘Where there’s a will there’s a way.’ If that didn’t work, she would pour a cup of tea over my canvas.

In July she was cast to play a nurse in a film about the Eighth Route Army that was to be shot in the hills of Guangxi. A week before she was due to leave, I discovered she had slept with Qiuzi and told her I never wanted to see her again. She was distraught, and I could not take the pain, so we made up in a flood of tears. I buried my anger in love. The night before she left Beijing, I pulled out a filing knife and told her to open her mouth.

‘If you want to kill me, at least use something a little sharper.’ When she looked into my eyes I could never tell what she was thinking.

‘Come closer,’ I said. She kneeled between my legs. I lifted the lampshade and let the light fall on her face. A cluster of freckles coloured her nose. I moved my hand into her mouth. Her breath felt warm and damp.

‘I’ll just straighten your front teeth.’

She sunk her teeth into my hand and looked up. The lower rims of her eyes were two streaks of red. ‘Do you know how strong my teeth are?’

I pulled my hand free and shook the pain away. ‘This front tooth is longer than the other, it will show when you smile on camera.’

‘The nurse never smiles. It’s a tragic role. She ends up being shot by a Japanese firing squad.’

‘Then they will need to film your mouth when you scream in pain. . Mm, your teeth are very strong.’ I slowly scraped at the enamel, and this time she didn’t flinch.

‘What about Lu Ping? When is she coming?’ Nannan is staring at the paper ceiling.

‘Lu Ping won’t be coming here for a while.’

Last week two officers visited Lu Ping at the Central Ballet Company and interrogated her late into the night. The next morning she came to my room and said, ‘They asked about the photographs you took of me. They wanted to know if you kissed me. They told me never to model for you again.’ She burst into tears. Her eyes were grey from lack of sleep.

Nannan has shut her eyes.

I remember accompanying Xi Ping to the train station the day she left for the shoot in Guangxi. We stood inside the crowded tram, our faces almost touching. She could sense I was still upset about the affair, so she said, ‘Qiuzi wanted my address in Guangxi, but I refused to give it to him.’

‘You mean you met him this week? You promised you would never see him again!’ I looked at her face in disbelief.

‘I’ve not left your sight for seven days — except the time I visited my aunt in Tongxian. I told you I was sorry. You said you’d forgiven me. But it seems you still don’t trust me.’ She stared out of the window and I looked at the slogan sprayed on the glass: ‘Safe trip to work, happy ride home!’

‘I will go to him when you’ve gone and find out the truth.’ My eyes and throat felt as though they were clogged with cotton wool.

She glanced up at me. I looked into her eyes and saw the eyes that lay behind — mysterious globes that glowed one moment then were as dead as the dark waters of a well. It was still her face, but it no longer resembled her. The plucked eyebrows looked false. I had never studied her in such detail. Before, when her eyes met mine I saw blue skies, when the corner of her mouth twitched, I yearned to kiss it. But now the dream was broken. Her face was pale, the features seemed frozen. Her cheeks were dry and chapped.

Then I looked at her mouth and panicked, because I knew I had emptied all my love into it.

‘My stomach aches.’ She stepped off the tram. We clasped hands and pushed into the crowd.

‘You can ask the conductor for a painkiller once you’re on the train.’ I took a deep gulp of air.

‘Don’t believe anything Qiuzi says. He’s a hooligan, he will lie to you.’ Her face looked ugly as it squeezed through the crowd. Our hands were still locked together.

‘I just hope you’re not lying to me again,’ I said, pulling a suitcase that I longed to press down onto her head.

She never smiled after that, not even when I waved at her from the platform. As the train pulled away my heart clenched.

I went straight to Mimi’s restaurant. I knew Qiuzi was a regular customer, I always saw his bike parked outside the door. When Xi Ping resigned from her job and started helping with the restaurant’s accounts, Li Tao hinted that something was going on. But I ignored him — I was in love, and could not believe Xi Ping would go off with a man just because he had a motorbike. Besides, she was with me almost every day. When I discovered she had slept with him, I slapped her face and told her to leave. But that night, I saw her in Mimi’s room. She was crying her eyes out, Tchaikovsky was booming from the radio, the room was dark, so we fell into each other’s arms. The last thing I wanted to do now was to talk to Qiuzi.

At about five in the afternoon, he turned up. He was short, had a scar across his face and a leather jacket with shiny brass studs. He’d spent twelve years behind bars for hooliganism and sold petrol coupons on the black market. He’d bought Xi Ping black stockings, taken her on his bike to a friend’s house and screwed her. When he went for a piss, his friend grabbed her. She screamed for help, but Qiuzi shouted, ‘Do him a favour, will you, he’s just out of prison.’

He walked towards me jangling a large ring of keys.

‘Hey, Ma Jian! How’s life treating you?’

The restaurant had four tables and a single bed at the back. There were no customers yet.

I lifted the door curtain and said, ‘Come in, Qiuzi.’

He tucked his sunglasses into his pocket and made for the bed. A large motorbike was printed on the back of his leather jacket. The skin on his neck hung loose.

‘If this blade doesn’t kill you I’ll turn myself in!’ There was a knife in my hand and a spare one under the mattress. He struggled to his feet but I pressed him back down. ‘Blink and I’ll stab you!’ My knife was pointing straight into his eye.

Mimi ran over from the counter. ‘Ma Jian! Don’t fight!’

‘Stay away, Mimi!’ I shouted, without turning round.

‘There’s no need for this. I’ll tell you everything.’ Qiuzi’s face resembled the frozen chicken that was lying on the floor.

‘I didn’t do it much with Xi Ping. Once, at my friend’s house. Three times in my room — my wife works during the day. .’

‘I know all that. Just tell me what happened this week.’

‘She said she was going away. I took her to Beitaipingzhuang market, bought her two pairs of nylon tights. We went to the woods, she pulled down her trousers. . Sunday I drove her to Tongxian to see her aunt, we did it twice. I dropped her at a station outside Beijing, she took the train for one stop, said you’d be waiting for her at the terminus. . Yesterday, I gave her some travel money. We didn’t go the whole way. She sucked me for a while but her teeth hurt, she said you’d cut them with a filing knife. . Look, I’m sorry, I won’t see her again. Don’t be upset, women are all the same. I’ll fix you up with someone else tonight, if you like. .’