Сол Беллоу - Dangling Man

"Right in the room. I couldn't butt in."

"What about the money?"

"I pinned it on a false hope. I suppose you think that's terrible, huh? Well, this may sound hard, and you may not believe it, but they're more human when they're fighting. bbss, it was like a movie. He suffered remorse, she forgave him because he was her man, and so on. They got a big kick out of it. I know. I was their go-between. But now she says she's the one who should take the song to New York, if anyone goes. I guess she sees herself in Tin- Pan Alley, her face streaked with tears @?

"Oh, it can't be that bad."

"Can't it, though? You don't know the type.

Let me show you. She hides overnight in a publisher's broom closet and surprises Mr.

Snaith-Hawkins himself in the morning. "What are you doing here?"' "Oh, for my sake, Sir, listen to this. My husband wrote it." As he sternly refuses, she throws herself at his feet, and he says, "Come now, my girl." Not a bad man, you see. "It's not only for my sake, but for Democracy and…@'@; as she goes on, he relents. "You shouldn't be lying on the floor, my dear. Here, take this chair. I'll have Mr.

Trubshevsky run through it" (the score)-Just wait" (i had tried to interrupt)-"Trubshevsky plays; Snaith-Hawkins frowns, strokes his beard. His expression changes. Trubshevsky pounds in ecstasy. They sing together, "Let's link hands," et cetera. "This is great, positively!" exclaims Snaith-Hawkins. And Trubshevsky, enthusiastically, his eyes shining, "Your husband is a genius, Madam, positively."

"There, don't cry, my dear," says Snaith-Hawkins. "Oh, Sir, you can't understand. all those years of struggle, driving a cab, working at his music after supper." They're overcome. You see?" said Steidler. "That's how they think. She'll probably go. It's money thrown away. Well, he won't be satisfied otherwise."

"What a shame."

"It's not a shame at all. It's just as well.

Just think what the world would be like if their dreams came true."

Or if yours came true, I was tempted to say.

I had a full day of this. He walked home with me and stayed until five o'clock, talking incessantly and smoking so many cigars I had to ventilate the room when he left. I was as tired as though I had spent the day in dissipations of a particularly degrading sort with Steidler as my accomplice. I did not tell Ira of the visit. She disapproves of him.

February 2

Sa'IL. no fruits and flowers. I have been too lazy to stir out. But I know I am not lazy.

Here is an incalculable deception. Lazy we are not. When we seem so, our cyclonic wishes are baffled, and pride requires us to be indifferent.

The Egyptians were right to make one of their gods a cat. They, the worshipers, knew that only a cat's eyes could see into their interior darkness.

The papers say no husbands have been drafted from Illinois since last summer. But now the supply of men is lower, and married men without dependents will soon be called up. Steidler asked me how I was using my liberty. I answered that I was preparing myself spiritually, that I was willing to be a member of the Army, but not a part of it. I–Ie thought this a very witty answer. He believes I am a natural comedian and laughs at everything I say. The more serious I become, the harder he laughs.

He now reveals that he lived in the County Hospital for three months, last year, in the internes' quarters. The cials knew nothing about it.

His friend Shailer, who was then in residence, took him in, and the other internes agreed to keep his secret.

He ate in the cafeteria, and his clothes were washed in the hospital laundry. He made his pocket money at cards; there were escapades and jokes; he was introduced to patients as a specialist; he gave advice. the internes were genial and admiring; he was hilarious. Shailer's room was crowded all night long. He was given a party right in the hospital before he left for California. And I suppose it is all true. He exaggerates, but he does not lie.

February 3

AN Hour with the Spirit of Alternatives.

"Let's have a talk, shall we, Joseph?"

"Glad to."

"We'll make ourselves comfortable."

"You can't be very comfortable here."

"Perfectly all right. I thrive on small hardships."

"You'll find all you need."

"Don't worry about me. You're the one who's uneasy."

"Well, the fact is, though I'm glad to have this opportunity, I can't quite place you."

"By name?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Of course not. I go by several."

"Such as?"

"Ohm'But on the Other Hand; or "Tuea.bledness Raison 4ussi." always know who I am; that's the important thing."

"An enviable position."

"I often think so."

"Have an orange."

"Oh, thanks, no."

"Take one, go on."

"They're so expensive now."

"To please me."

"Oh, well '@.

"I've grown fond of you. I like your manner."

"We'll each take half."

"Good enough."

"So you like me, Joseph?"

"Oh, yes.88That's flattering."

"No, really I do. I appreciate you."

"Igg.o you take quick likes and dislikes?88I try to be reasonable."

"I know you do."

"Is that wrong?"

"To Understand?"

"You want me to trust Unreason?"

"I want nothing; I suggest @?

"Feelings?88ally have them, Joseph.88Instincts?"

"And instincts."

"I know the argument. I see what you're after."

"What?"

"That human might is too small to pit against the un-solvables. Our nature, mind's nature, is weak, and only the heart can be relied on."

"What a rush you're in, @ccloseph. I didn't say that."

"But you must have meant it. Reason has to conquer itself. Then what are we given reason for? To discover the blessedness of unreason? That's a very poor argument."

"You're inventing a case against me. You're to be congratulatedon your conclusions, but they're off the point.

However, you've had a hard time."

"Am having."

"Quite so."

"And will continue to have."

"Of course. You must be prepared for it."

"I am. I am."

"It's sensible of you to expect so little."

"But it's sad, you must admit."

"It's a matter of knowing how much to ask for."

"How much?"

"I'm talking about happiness."

"I'm talking about asking to be human. We're not worse than the others."

"What others?"

"Those who preved it possible to be human."

"Ah, in the pa."

"Listen, To 4s Raison..4ussi.

We abuse the present too much, don't you think so @8@?

"You're not so fond of it."

"Fond! What a word!"

"Alienated, then."

"That's bad, too."

"It's popular."

"There's a lot of talk about alienation. It's a fool's plea."

"Is it?"

"You can divorce your wife or abandon your child, but that can you do with yourself?"

"You can't banish the world by decree if it's in you.

Is that it, Joseph?"

"How can you? You have gone to its schools and seen its movies, listened to its radios, read its magazines. What if you declare you are alienated, you say you reject the Hollywood dream, the soap opera, the cheap thriller? The very denial implicates you."

"You can decide that you want to forget these things."

"The world comes after you. It presents you with a gun or a mechanic's tool, it singles you out for this part or that, brings you ringing news of disasters and victories, shunts you back and forth, abridges your rights, cuts off your uture, is clumsy or crafty, oppressive, treacherous, murderous, black, whorish, venal, inadvertently naive or funny. Whatever you do, you cannot dismiss it."

"What then?"

"The failing may be in us, in me. A weakness of vision."

"Aren't you asking too much of yourself?"

"I'm serious."

"Where shall I put these pips?"

"I'm sorry; have you been holding them? Here, in this ash tray. I'm telling you. It's too easy to abjure it or detest it. Too narrow. Too cowardly."